So I'm using my daughter's netbook this morning and noticed that her FaceBook account is open. I had a look at the messages on her account, those between her and her boyfriend. So I've learned a considerable amount about their sexual relationship and am thinking that I can't trust them to be alone.
Considering that I've read her personal messages, I need a reason that wont tip her off as to how I know what they have been up to.
Who bought her the netbook? Did she buy it with her own money? According to law in the United States, minors don't "own" anything. . . everything they have technically belongs to their parents. I remind my son of this everyday of his life. Our schools and society habitually condition both us and our children to think of possessions as ours and theirs. They own nothing. Everything they have has been provided for them. It is your job as a parent to protect them and provide for them. Is she old enough yet to protect and provide for a new life? Is her boyfriend? My folks always taught me that you shouldn't be having sex till you are able to do this, or have a strategy to do this. Seems when people engage in relationships today, it is always about "me, me, me," not about love. What they have is, mutual masturbation. What they have, is making each other feel good, it isn't a selfless love. How would he feel about your daughter if you emailed, Facebooked, or handed those messages to his parents? Would he still love your daughter enough to be with her?
Relationships that involve sex are ADULT relationships. People under eighteen are MINORS and should not be having sex, it is that simple. You have been receiving some very bad advice. Your gut instinct is the correct instinct. If you went to any number of tribes throughout this planet and asked them the same question, "should my daughter and her boyfriend who are unable to take care of themselves be engaged in an adult relationship?" every mature society on the planet would give you a unanimous resounding NO! I question the selfishness of the advice you have gotten in this thread (wynn excepted.) The ill informed wisdom of "well. . . they will find a way to do it anyway. . . " Crap, ill informed crap. It is your job to lay down the law and find a way to make it so in such a way that they don't.
Should you have read what she wrote? Apparently so. Children cannot be trusted. . . they are CHILDREN. People here seem to think that it is hypocritical to lay down a double standard. Well, it is. If you had found nothing? Well, then you would feel shame, and you would never have had any need to snoop for as long as she lived under your roof again, correct? But a great man once said, "Trust, but verify" You can't protect and make sure she makes the correct decisions unless you check up on her. I myself would not have been checking up on her and her boyfriend, I would have been making sure she wasn't messing around with anyone you didn't know, like someone older, a child predator. How would you have known? Kids today do these things. You have seen that show,
To Catch a Predator. If she can't understand you were doing what you were doing out of love now, she will when she has children. You are a parent, this is your job. I have a son. I know all of his passwords. I lay down the law. I tell him that the government makes the law and I know that nothing I write on Facebook is really private. Nothing I say in any phone conversation is really private. The government and DHS has super computers constantly searching for key words and phrases that might indicate to the government that citizens might be breaking the law. So he can expect no more privacy from me. He had better break none of my rules while he is using computers that I provide and internet service that I provide. I give him the luxuries that make his life what it is, and I can take them away. I keep him safe, and I keep him happy, that is my job as a parent.
It is your job as a parent to look after your daughters best interests. Having sex causes two things. Intense emotional attachment, and possibility of pregnancy. The first, she will never, ever completely get over. This will affect all her future relationships. Even the man she eventually marries will know who she sleeps with, and she will remember who it is, and how she relates to that guy will affect her future ability to fall in love and how deeply she will be able to fall in love. Treating that cavalierly, like sex is a child's play thing, should be taught to her is wrong, and not something to be toyed with. Movies and television make it seem cool, empty, shallow, and something that is just for feeling good. She has no idea that this will desensitize her emotionally later in life to possible romantic partners the younger she gets sexually involved. Likewise, the sooner she becomes sexually active, the more likely she will be to cheat on her partners later on in life, as she will not view sex as something that is a sacred bond between to partners to be cherished. It is clear, the people that have been giving you advice here have no respect for the sex act beyond using it as a means to just get their rocks off. Your precious daughter should not be using it for that. If she wants to get her rocks off with her b/f, take them to Cedar Point.
The point is, it's a legitimate concern. Sexual intercourse is no more appropriate for a fourteen-year-old than is smoking. Some people here seem to be expressing the opinion that since it's within a child's grasp, it should be allowed. Hell, I suppose, as they seem to be suggesting, that I should just sit on my couch while my daughter is being boinked in her bedroom. I understand that everybody thinks I'm being totally uncool because I'm so opposed to the notion, but I think I'm simply being a father.
Good instincts! Now you are talking like a parent! I swear, besides Wynn, none of these people really has a notion to protect the psyche of the child. Even when my son watches a promiscuous scene in a movie or on T.V. with me, he knows the difference between when it is "not right" and when it is right. We watched Forest Gump the other day. The final scene when Forest and Jenny were finally together, he understood, that, this was an example of a "good" relationship, it didn't make him uncomfortable. . . . for once. Almost every other time we see sex in movies? Like the previous New Years eve scene in the same movie where Lieutenant Dan and Forest were in a Hotel room with the two whores? Although the movie is Rated PG-13, for a 10yr, with an extremely high IQ, that scene really made him squeamish. Why? B/C I have taught him right from wrong, and he really felt the uncomfortableness and disgust that the character Forest felt. He even said to me. . . "eww yuck dad." He really gets the hibbie Jibbies.
REAL relationships take time to develop. Real relationships can only happen between mature individuals who are already developed, not between individuals that are in the process of developing themselves. These children don't even know who they are yet. They are merely playing at being grown-ups. They know nothing of the world. They are mirrors for it. They mirror what they hear in music, what they see in movies, what they read in books. They have no minds of their own, none really to speak of. Sure, as parents we can see it, but no one else really knows them, or can know them in so short a time. Unless the boy grew up next door. What they are acting out is hormones, and a desire not to feel alone in a world of change and uncertainty.
Perhaps, you and your wife need to spend more time with them both, together, as a couple. . . .
Well, my wife let the cat out of the bag and told my daughter more than she should have. Now I have to wait before I approach her because she's pissed at the moment. I will get a chance the next time I drive her to gymnastics--it's a long drive. I put a lock on her bedroom door as a Christmas gift, now she's using it.
That's impossible. There is no, "more than she should have." If you want complete and total honesty in the household, you have to give if you want to receive. Get that password to the facebook account, and all of those email passwords I say. Tell your daugher that you will not be reading her emails, and she can expect to have privacy, but know, that at any time, there might be a check up. Likewise, it would good for you to do some research on how to secure your belongings and your household privacy. There are methods you can use to find out if someone is snooping in your stuff. My son is only ten, but I have been using them since he was six.
Simple things, like remember how you placed stuff, taking photos of how your belongings are arranged, placing tape over drawers and cabinets. . . or the old sting on the dresser knob trick. There are many ways you can proof your room, garage, shed, kitchen, liquor cabinet, and other private areas to come back and see if they have been tampered with if you are a wise and a world weary parent. They key is to not let your teen think they are smarter then you are. Trust. . . but verify. They are just kids after all. AND IT IS YOUR JOB TO PROTECT THEM!
On that note, my friends and I enjoyed this video. Now, I'm not nearly this extreme, though my gun toting friend said he'd have no problem going to this extreme to teach some respect. And that is really what is lacking in this generation of kids, RESPECT.
Father teaches Daughter a Lesson about Facebook
