Sex is usually graphic.
My Daughter's FaceBook Account
- Thread starter Bowser
- Start date
Indeed.
@ Bowser - please atleast consider, if not follow, my advice. You are acting alarmed and acting as if you must rush to save your daughter from falling over a cliff - you do not want to appear bossy or authoritarian.
No you cant. Never. Which is why I suggest you being with "How are things going with ...."
No you dont. You need to come up with a better and more justified/reasonable/apt option to this situation. You dont nip no problems. You present her with choices and make your choice strong and good enough that she will pick it.
I beg you - not before you talk with her first and inform her that you intend to talk to her boyfriend. You cannot make her decisions for her, teens are very specific about this, you dont want this to go south.
That is an understatement. That would cause family problems for her boyfriend and his family, give rise to friction in her relationship and she will probably outright hate you for that.
Trust me, baring Shogun, I am closest to her age, I know how we think and how we must be conversed with/persuaded. Please read both my earlier posts again -
http://www.sciforums.com/showpost.php?p=2902128&postcount=15
http://www.sciforums.com/showpost.php?p=2902131&postcount=17
You need to tacke this with a level head, cold mind, logic and rational reason and a planned conversation. You need to be objective, fair, open and caring in said conversation. This is a great opportunity for a good spark of father-daughter bonding/understanding - dont waste it or let it deteriorate.
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That is no big deal. It will be graphic - sexting always is. Today's teens would make excellent erotica authors.
Then you need to make a better point than her friends. Remember, this is not about you - this is about her.
That attitude right there is why there are so many bad parents in the world.
And I never said parents have to be equals. I said that it's impossible to teach a moral lesson when the parent is guilty of the same thing they're punishing the child for. What credibility does a parent have when they, as a smoker, tell their kid not to smoke? Or when they steal cable and tell their kid that stealing is wrong? "Because I said so" doesn't work.
You'll notice I'm right because even the OP is looking for ways to broach the subject without having to fess up to how he came about the situation.
Words worth gold to you, bowser.
They dont. They are more experience, more developed and generally smarter/better informed people and as such must be dominant. But the dominance cannot be asserted or imposed - it can only be willingly given by the child and that too only if the parent is a regular and better source of good arguments and fair choices than the child.
Depends.
The credibility of bad experience, at least. The kids would know [or be told] that a smoker could pass a better judgement whether or not to smoke. Of course, it HAS to be followed by the parent putting their money where their mouth is and quit smoking.
In this case, agreed.
And he doesn't have to. He can consider it a lucky chance that he became aware of it and should make the best of it as I suggested - this is a good chance for bonding or understand, if only he can play his cards right.
The main flaw [if I may] that I found in the OP and subsequent posts was his alarmism and authoritarianism. Concern is good, but not to the extend where it can actually harm the situation.
Only if the situation is regarded in a decontextualized manner.
"Do as I say, not as I do" is a misrepresentation of the principle sometimes employed by people in position of authority when they themselves do not live up to the standards that they expect their subordinates should live up to.
Generally, if people do not understand the value of a moral principle, they will not act on it, no matter how many examples and role models they see.
If children do not understand the value of, for example, respecting privacy, they won't act on it, at least not consistently, regardless whether their parents act on it or not.
From early on, children should be taught gratitude to their parents. It's hard to begin to learn this as a teenager or adult.
It doesn't work with people who want to be equals, or who don't hold to a particular set of moral principles.
Elaborate, please.
How is it a misrepresentation?
And if you view children as subordinates, you've already lost.
That's not true. They can understand it and dismiss it for other reasons, such as peer pressure or a desire to try something for themselves. Sometimes the best parents just can't stop their kids from doing something wrong. But they'll never be able to get across to their kids if they're criticizing or punishing the child for things they do themselves.
Oh please. I was an angel as a child, and a demon as a teenager, and I have known plenty of others who were the same way.
You're just typing for the sake of it.
I disagree. Parents must earn the gratitude, trust or love they desire from their children. A child cannot and should not to be made to be/feel/act grateful towards, say, an abusive or irresponsible parent. If the parents are good enough to be worthy of the gratitude, the children will be grateful, provided that the parents can communicate this worth to the children.
She sounds as if she was raised in a very strict, probably emotionally-abusive household.
Well, I stopped by my wife's work and talked with her about the matter. She's telling me that they, my daughter and her boyfriend, talk about sex often. She thinks they have touched a couple bases but never gone for a home run. Obviously, my daughter tells her mother much more than she ever tells me.
I dunno... I feel like I really need to emphasize the value of abstinence. One thing leads to another, and I don't like the direction this is going.
I dunno... I feel like I really need to emphasize the value of abstinence. One thing leads to another, and I don't like the direction this is going.
If she doesn't get pregnant, what's the problem?
So what if you don't like the direction it's going? Did you give a damn what anyone thought about you having sex when you were her age?
Again, we're back to asking your children to do what you yourself couldn't be bothered to do at their age. It's one thing to let them know what they're risking by having sex, and stressing the use of protection, but telling her not to? Not only is that ineffective, it's can be a motivator for her to do the opposite.
I know you'll ignore this post, because you're looking for affirmation, not advice. But there it is anyway.
Pandaemoni
Valued Senior Member
I will run it across my wife. She has a better head when approaching this these sensitive issues. We definitely need to talk with my daughter. She's simply too young. I'm definitely going to have a talk with her boyfriend. Damn it!
I would think you'd be better off not letter her know the source of your information. If the goal is to make her behave, then letting her know you saw her facebook account (A) picks a fight over the question of what level of privacy she should legitimately expect and (B) better allows her to formulate strategies to do what she wants while avoiding your oversight.
I think you should stick with have a talk with her and her boyfriend and simply asserting "I'm your father, I KNOW." That gives you an air of uncanny ESP-ish ability. She may guess that you saw her messages, but don't confirm that.
I also think there is no way to avoid there being alone together. If she can't be alone with him at her house, she'll be alone with him at his, or somewhere else. In the end, you can only guide her, with real control being an illusion. That's why it would be good to make sure that your wife presses for them to take precautions, even as you push for abstinence. Your message is likely not to work (except perhaps in delaying things a bit), and they need to be safe when they do decide to disregard it. So you and your wife tagteam them, with her taking the "safe sex" position and you pushing the "noting is completely safe, better to avoid it until [marriage/your daughter turning 18/your having been dead at least 20 years/etc.].
I think that having a talk with them both to say that you know what they've been up to (without giving too much detail, just enough to establish your actual knowledge), and so that can no longer have closed door meetings. Then you can add that they shouldn't go all the way and should generally save the stuff they have been doing for later in the relationship.
Assuming you have a strong relationship with your daughter, and that she cares about what you think, privately telling her, later, that you are struggling with the feeling that you can't trust her (or are disappointed that she'd do what she has done, or whatever you are comfortable with) would probably also make sense. I'd personally also add that, as much as she likes this guy, and and strong as her feelings are, she has to realize based on the evidence that, at age 14, it's very unlikely that her relationship with him will last forever. Then I'd ask her to imagine how she'd feel about these acts down the road when she meets a new guy and she and he are really headed towards something lifelong.
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I read your post. I would hope that she stays true to her promise to wait at least till she's seventeen. She's just a kid right now. I was fortunate in that I never caught an STD or impregnated one of my girlfriends. Let's face it, the moment of sex doesn't always begin with rational thought.
She's home. so I need to get off her netbook. Shhh!
HAHAHAHA finally someone with a brain. The only 2 choices a parent has is either to enable someone to be responcible by talking about contraception and giving them somewhere safe and therefore they will be able to come to you if something goes wrong, or acting like a Victorian era idiot who belives that someone elses sexuality is there property and therefore driving there children away and possibly leading to them unable to talk to you if they are raped or get advice if the condom breaks or worse still leading to the sort of idiocy where they think they can get pregant from giving head.
How would you like it if she read YOUR private mail BTW?
@Bowser --
Hate to break it to you but teenagers have sex. This is a fact of life that won't be changed no matter how hard you want to. Your daughter is fourteen, and that means that there's every likelihood that she's going through puberty and an even greater likelihood that if she's not already sexually active then she will be soon. Again, you can't stop it(if she really wants to have sex then she will, plain and simple) so the best thing you could do right now is make sure that she knows how to be safe while she's active. That means going over every bit of data you can get your hands on about sex and contraception(preferably you and your wife would both be there during "the talk").
As for the cough cough "graphic nature" cough cough of her messages, I can assure you that I've seen worse. As a long standing member of the BDSM community I can pretty much guarantee that I've seen things that you couldn't imagine(not without help at least). Trust me, your daughter is probably quite normal(what we would call vanilla) in this regard, I highly doubt that there's anything to worry yourself over. She's a teen who's in the throws of a major bodily adjustment, graphic sexual thoughts are merely a part of the transition.
Hate to break it to you but teenagers have sex. This is a fact of life that won't be changed no matter how hard you want to. Your daughter is fourteen, and that means that there's every likelihood that she's going through puberty and an even greater likelihood that if she's not already sexually active then she will be soon. Again, you can't stop it(if she really wants to have sex then she will, plain and simple) so the best thing you could do right now is make sure that she knows how to be safe while she's active. That means going over every bit of data you can get your hands on about sex and contraception(preferably you and your wife would both be there during "the talk").
As for the cough cough "graphic nature" cough cough of her messages, I can assure you that I've seen worse. As a long standing member of the BDSM community I can pretty much guarantee that I've seen things that you couldn't imagine(not without help at least). Trust me, your daughter is probably quite normal(what we would call vanilla) in this regard, I highly doubt that there's anything to worry yourself over. She's a teen who's in the throws of a major bodily adjustment, graphic sexual thoughts are merely a part of the transition.
Abstance based sexual education has been shown time and again to lead to MORE teen pregancies and higher rates of STIs than the so called "harm minimisation" methods. Once again, provide a safe place, teach about contraception and enable her to obtain it (if nessary go with her and get the pill or at least find a doctor who will perscribe it for her) and be there for her if things go wrong. Seems like your wife knows what she is doing and you are acting like a compleate ass. You have no rights in this, sexuality is about the people involved, her and her boyfriend and no one else. If you put yourself in the middle i can almost garentie she will be pregant before the end of the year (because thats EXACTLY what happened to my aunt and uncle, they got pregant BECAUSE his mother was interfearing in there relationship).
The pill is a hormonal adjustment that concerned me when my wife was taking it. I would hate to subject a teenage girl to it. Look, of course I want my daughter to be safe, and yes, she's been educated in the ways of contraceptives and appropriate protection, yet that doesn't mean she needs to jump into the game now. I would prefer she wait till she's an adult, and that's what encourage to do--be patient.
Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids
Not a perfect match, but close enough.
Good luck Bowser. Look on the bright side; you could have stumbled across information indicating she was using drugs. Virtually all teenagers have sex at some point during their teenaged years (well, I didn't, but being an uber nerd is possibly the world's most effective form of birth control), but not all of them end up using illegal drugs.
Not a perfect match, but close enough.
Good luck Bowser. Look on the bright side; you could have stumbled across information indicating she was using drugs. Virtually all teenagers have sex at some point during their teenaged years (well, I didn't, but being an uber nerd is possibly the world's most effective form of birth control), but not all of them end up using illegal drugs.