Jokes and Funny Stories II

TheFrogger said:
A Chinese man walks into a Doctor's with a parrot on his shoulder.
"Where did you get that?", asks the Doctor.
"China", replies the parrot, "there's millions of 'em." :)
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Along same lines

Man walks into doctors office with a frog on his head

When did that appear

Frog says Started as a pimple on my arse

:)
 
A very rich lawyer dies and ends up in heaven (ya I know weird what)

Anyway comes his time for god chat

Why am I here at my young age

God says 103 is not a young age

But I am only 36

God frowns and walks away

Comes back half hour later

Sorry there was a mix up. The new angel on the job did not look at your calendar age

She totalled up your billing hours

:)
 
True story:

I sent in one of those cards to get a free issue of a woodworking magazine and a free gift - no obligation. A few weeks later, I got a bill for 35 dollars for my first year's subscription. I wrote to them explaining that I had not agreed to subscribe and I had never received a free issue or a free gift - i.e. I had never seen the magazine, so how could I agree to subscribe? They ignored my letter and just kept sending more bills. I wrote to them a couple more times explaining again and asking why they didn't read their mail. They just kept sending more and more bills and their demands for payment got less and less polite. Eventually, I stopped opening their mail; it went straight into the garbage.

A few months later, I got a letter from a law firm in St. Louis. They were demanding payment of the 35 dollars.

I wrote to them explaining the situation with the magazine. Then I asked them what kind of idiot hires a lawyer to collect 35 dollars. And what kind of crooked lawyer takes the case. I told them I had better not ever hear from them or the magazine again.

And I didn't.
 
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A new client came in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions."
"That's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
 
DaveC426913 said:
A new client came in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions."
"That's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
Click to expand...

Along the same lines

At a cocktail party a renowned doctor asked a lawyer

"One of the guest asked about a medical condition. Can I charge her for the advice I gave?"

"Yes you provided a service"

Next day the doctor sent off a bill to the guest

Following day he got a bill from the lawyer

:)
 
Another true story:

My dad was a carpenter. One time he was doing some work for a doctor and the doctor was watching him closely. Finally, the doctor said to him, "It must be nice to have a job where you can just cover up your mistakes."

"Yes," Dad agreed. "I guess you have to bury yours."

(And he thought we didn't appreciate his sense of humour.)
 
sideshowbob said:
Another true story:

My dad was a carpenter. One time he was doing some work for a doctor and the doctor was watching him closely. Finally, the doctor said to him, "It must be nice to have a job where you can just cover up your mistakes."

"Yes," Dad agreed. "I guess you have to bury yours."

(And he thought we didn't appreciate his sense of humour.)
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I heard another punch line

"Yes and we still charge for them. How about you and your mistakes? Do they still get charged or just buried?"

:)
 
Went to the hospital to donate a kidney but decided not to

They keep asking me where did I get it from

:)
 
a lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He is standing at the Pearly gates with a Pope, Mother Teresa, 30 Nuns, seven priests and a faith healer.

St. Peter lets them in and corrals them all in a small area. He tells them to follow him and he will lead them to their homes they will stay in while in heaven.

As they wander through heaven, St. Peter points to a single level Ranch home on 10 acres and tells the Pope "This is where you will stay. The kitchen never runs out of your favourite foods and drinks, the fun room will have anything you desire and the bed is like sleeping on a cloud. Your loved ones will visit when you want and leave when you want and you get to talk directly to god every other Thursday. If you have any questions, you can call upon any Saint, Pope or resident in heaven just by picking up the phone and talking into it, or asking a question - it will be routed to the most relevant person or to the person you wish to speak to."

This goes on and on, each Nun, Mother Teresa and the faith healer get the same speech: "This is where you will stay. The kitchen never runs out of your favourite foods and drinks, the fun room will have anything you desire and the bed is like sleeping on a cloud. Your loved ones will visit when you want and leave when you want and you get to talk directly to god every other Thursday. If you have any questions, you can call upon any Saint, Pope or resident in heaven just by picking up the phone and talking into it, or asking a question - it will be routed to the most relevant person or to the person you wish to speak to."

at last there is just the lawyer left and St. Peter walks over this hill to view a golden castle sitting next to a floating castle of pure white light. St. Peter points to the Pure light castle and says "That's God's place and next to it you will see the golden castle: that is where you will live. Anything you desire is yours to have. It doesn't matter what you want, you just have to ask for it. You have a thousand servants daily and they will rotate unless you ask for a specific server. The Saints are at your beck and call, and..."

"Wait!" says the lawyer. "Surely you made a mistake! The Pope gets a small-ish ranch style home but I get the castle? I don't understand!"

"Well, " say St. Peter. "We get a lot of Pope's and religious folk up here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever seen!"
 
TheFrogger said:
What's, "a bust?"
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You must be a furinur.......o_O

It's was a double entendre, a bust is a sculpture of a chest, but is also a failure of some attempted enterprise.
Mozart-Bust-06__53508.1441480998.1280.1280.jpg


Of course he was not a bust in music, so he was just a short statue, which of course would be a detriment for making his wife happy in bed. She went all the way down to the floor.
 
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Physics jokes, remastered.

A particle physicist walks into a particle shop and is about to ask for a pair of massive entangled particles, when he suddenly realises his expectation value is too high.

Two photons try to go into a bar, but get entangled with the entrance.

A pair of fermions goes into a bar. One says, "I'll just go and charge a couple of drinks.".
 
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arfa brane said:
Physics jokes, remastered.

A particle physicist walks into a particle shop and is about to ask for a pair of massive entangled particles, when he suddenly realises his expectation value is too high.

Two photons try to go into a bar, but get entangled with the entrance.

A pair of fermions goes into a bar. One says, "I'll just go and charge a couple of drinks.".
Click to expand...
A cartoon I saw once: One scientist offers another scientist a jar labeled Atoms, "Take two. They're small"

Another cartoon: Sign on the door of the Physics lab: "Gone Fission".
 
A man enters a Butcher's.

"Do you have any chicken's feet?" The man asks the Butcher.

"No." Replies the Butcher

"Do you have any chicken's feet?" Asks the man again.

"No!" Replies the Butcher.

"Do you have any chickens feet?" Asks the man, once again.

"If you ask me that again I'll string you up." Says the Butcher.

"Do you have any string?" Asks the man.

"No." Says the Butcher.

"Do you have any chickens feet?" Asks the man.
 
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