What do you call a Jewish band?
Jesus and the four-skins.
Jesus and the four-skins.
Jokes and Funny Stories II
- Thread starter Billy T
- Start date
I once had someone tell me I seemed to think I was above it all.
I replied that I was only trying to get to the bottom of why I felt like I was behind the eight-ball, but with clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right, I didn't want to start getting ahead of myself given all the difficulty with staying on top of things.
I replied that I was only trying to get to the bottom of why I felt like I was behind the eight-ball, but with clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right, I didn't want to start getting ahead of myself given all the difficulty with staying on top of things.
..... I didn't want to get stuck in the middle with you
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you, here I am stuck in the middle with you
http://www.metrolyrics.com/stuck-in-the-middle-with-you-lyrics-stealers-wheel.html
Last edited:
The nice misties: smack, crack and pot.
Apologies, that should be, "The nice trippies."
...when you go to Church be sure to visit the bell-end. ☺
Lady goes to a movie and got in just as the lights going down
Finding her way through a row she sat down
Sometime after she feels a nip on her bottom
Looking behind and around she couldn't see any person around
Settled down again and it happened again
Finding her small door lock torch she looked on the seat next to her
To her surprise there looking back was a lobster
The gentleman one seat over noticed and asked "Is there a problem?"
"This lobster is nipping me"
"Oh sorry" and reached over and picked the lobster up
"Who brings a lobster to the movies?" she asked
"Well I was at my friends and he had just come back from collecting his lobster pots. He had a good catch. Told me to take one
I said thanks I'll take one home for dinner"
"Oh he's already had my bait for dinner. Take him to a movie"
Adapted from old, 1964, Dean Martin movie Kiss Me Stupid just seen on TV
Yes my life is that exciting
Finding her way through a row she sat down
Sometime after she feels a nip on her bottom
Looking behind and around she couldn't see any person around
Settled down again and it happened again
Finding her small door lock torch she looked on the seat next to her
To her surprise there looking back was a lobster
The gentleman one seat over noticed and asked "Is there a problem?"
"This lobster is nipping me"
"Oh sorry" and reached over and picked the lobster up
"Who brings a lobster to the movies?" she asked
"Well I was at my friends and he had just come back from collecting his lobster pots. He had a good catch. Told me to take one
I said thanks I'll take one home for dinner"
"Oh he's already had my bait for dinner. Take him to a movie"
Adapted from old, 1964, Dean Martin movie Kiss Me Stupid just seen on TV
Yes my life is that exciting
A man walks into a library
I'd like a hamburger and chips please
Sir this is a library
Man lowers voice
I'd like a hamburger and chips please
NT newspaper Darwin 22/12/2019
I'd like a hamburger and chips please
Sir this is a library
Man lowers voice
I'd like a hamburger and chips please
NT newspaper Darwin 22/12/2019
I rather loved the Mercedes commercial that used this joke, but they used a blondeA man walks into a library
I'd like a hamburger and chips please...
Love it
Not seen as in Australia
Just noticed in my post joke still being used a year from now. Oops
Roman centurion walks into a bar with four friends
Holds up two fingers, Churchill style, to the bartender
Five beers please
Holds up two fingers, Churchill style, to the bartender
Five beers please
DaveC426913
Valued Senior Member
Did we already do the other Roman one?
Roman walks into a bar, asks for a martinus.
Bartender says "Don't you mean martini?"
Roman says "If I wanted two, I would have ordered two."
A 70 year old boss calls in his 25 year old secretary as soon as he arrives in his office
"I would like to treat myself today and this is what I would like to do. At 6 pm this afternoon I would like you to come into the office. I will throw $1,000 onto the floor. You are invited to pick up the $1,000 and for the amount of time it takes you to pick up the $1,000 I would like, if you agree, to have sex with you. Go back to your desk and think about it"
Back at her desk she calls her boyfriend and explains the situation
"Well we could do with some bonus money. Go back and ask him to increase the amount to $2,000 to find out how serious he is"
She gets back to her boyfriend soon after and explains he agrees but now the encounter will be the next night
Next morning he calls his secretary in and repeats his request upping the amount to $2,000
She agrees and at 6 pm enters the office, he throws down $2,000
About 7 pm the boyfriend calls for a update
"How going hunny?"
"Good news, bad news. Good news yes we have $2,000. Bad news he threw down $2,000 in 5 cent coins. Don't wait up for me tonight"
Adapted from a joke friend sent me on Messenger
"I would like to treat myself today and this is what I would like to do. At 6 pm this afternoon I would like you to come into the office. I will throw $1,000 onto the floor. You are invited to pick up the $1,000 and for the amount of time it takes you to pick up the $1,000 I would like, if you agree, to have sex with you. Go back to your desk and think about it"
Back at her desk she calls her boyfriend and explains the situation
"Well we could do with some bonus money. Go back and ask him to increase the amount to $2,000 to find out how serious he is"
She gets back to her boyfriend soon after and explains he agrees but now the encounter will be the next night
Next morning he calls his secretary in and repeats his request upping the amount to $2,000
She agrees and at 6 pm enters the office, he throws down $2,000
About 7 pm the boyfriend calls for a update
"How going hunny?"
"Good news, bad news. Good news yes we have $2,000. Bad news he threw down $2,000 in 5 cent coins. Don't wait up for me tonight"
Adapted from a joke friend sent me on Messenger
Last edited by a moderator:
Why do Cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
The Queen is having a garden party and invites a school of disabled children.
At the party the Queen approaches three children. She says to the first child, "if you can touch your nose, you can have an ice-cream." The child grunts and struggles, but misses his nose. The Queen approaches the second child, "If you can touch your nose you can have an ice-cream." The second child grunts and struggles, but misses her nose. The Queen approaches the third child. "If you can touch your nose, you can have an ice-cream," the Queen says. The third child grunts and struggles but successfully touches his nose. "Well done," says the Queen, and hands the child an ice-cream.
"Thank-you," says the child, and sticks the ice-cream in his face.
At the party the Queen approaches three children. She says to the first child, "if you can touch your nose, you can have an ice-cream." The child grunts and struggles, but misses his nose. The Queen approaches the second child, "If you can touch your nose you can have an ice-cream." The second child grunts and struggles, but misses her nose. The Queen approaches the third child. "If you can touch your nose, you can have an ice-cream," the Queen says. The third child grunts and struggles but successfully touches his nose. "Well done," says the Queen, and hands the child an ice-cream.
"Thank-you," says the child, and sticks the ice-cream in his face.
sculptor
Valued Senior Member
When I heard that joke 60 years ago, it was "spastic" children.................The Queen is having a garden party and invites a school of disabled children.
...
It's still funny though.
"He was remanded into custardy!"
A man ran twenty-six miles after a chocolate-bar. He thought it was a marathon, but it was a snickers.