Interesting. I was raised christian, thought, and tried wicca, thought some more, became an atheist, thought some more, and now I'm back to christianity. I guess it just depends on how much you are willing to think.
*************
M*W: I can understand the desire to find the core of religious belief. I've been there, too. It was important, in my thinking process, to find the one true religion, so I searched and searched and searched.
As a child, I followed. I went along to the baptist church with my school friends. There was always something
not right in my gut feeling about christianity. As a teenager, I questioned everything. I wanted to believe that I could find the only true religion, so I pondered within (nothing strange for a teenager). As a young adult, married with children, I wanted to give my children a spiritual direction, so I converted to catholicism and was hell bent to scorch the Earth with catholicism. Those I first scorched, however, were my children and raised them as Roman catholics.
As they were becoming adults, I continued to search for reason, and christianity became less and less able to take me beyond a certain point of understanding when I wanted to go the distance. I consulted my priest, and he basically told me to stop questioning, so I became discontented and I began my own private search for the truth that would take me years to do.
It was a long, drawn out process, through years of research and re-education, to come to the understanding that all of this god/religion/ritual/salvation/eternal life was false. It's only a figment of one's imagination. It's all a false hope. It doesn't really exist but only in the minds of those who can't face the truth.
It sounds from your post that you chose to think but not believe, and then you went on to your own search for the truth. Then you turned around and chose to believe and not think, and went back to your old religious comfort zone. Somewhere in your mind, you still have doubts about christianity, or you would have never gone elsewhere. I think your desire now is to follow the christian crowd, so you won't be alone. I've been there, and I'm not dissing you about your beliefs. I'm interested in the process of the search and why it led you 360 degrees. The point I'm trying to make is, once a person learns the truth, that is usually where they will stay in the process. What was more important to you, the truth you found from your search, or your need for a familiar comfort zone?