The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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Bill Gates died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he
finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before.....

I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.

St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine! Where should I go first?"

"You decide."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I'd REALLY like to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision.

"I think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates.

His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that was a demo," replied St. Peter. "This is the release version."
 
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have
to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run
on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%
or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by
the Justice Department.

12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine
 
Taurine is normally synthesised, but it can be extracted from bile. Not sure about semen.
What difference would it make anyway? It's been extracted.
 
its the thought that counts

more like putting the image in there head that every time they take a drink they are drinking a biproduct of jizz, hell whether its true or not its still funny to mess with thier heads
 
I myself would not be fussed where it came from, so long as nothing but the extract remains.
The water in your tap has probably been through numerous peoples insides by the time you drink it.
 
Ant said:
What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?



Dr Dre.
Click to expand...

Pretty good. Not offensive in the least though.

visceral_instinct, snoop is referring to Snoop Dog, a rapper.
Dr. Dre is also a rapper.
 
The BBC have recieved over 60,000 complaints that there are not enough black and asian people on tv.
As of August, in response to this Crime Watch will now be aired 3 times a week.
 
What do you call an Irishman in college-
The caretaker (janitor)

what do you say to a black man with a degree?
large big mac meal please.
 
You like silly ones eh?


How are a plum and a rabbit alike?

They're both purple, except for the rabbit.


What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.


A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.
The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say willytop.
The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.
He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn't that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.
Well, the boy arrives in the principals office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willytop. The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.
Well, the boy went home, to find his parents in the living room. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.

Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.
Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says "Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of willytop. what does it mean sir?" The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.
Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.
 
Try again until you do.
You'll hit yourself.
 
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