The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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If Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day,
what do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.




What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a
Southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit."
 
What do arabic women and coffee machines have in common?

Both make the sound aghcck
 
Am most prob being a complete spaz, but the the fuck does the joke above mean?
 
when a coffee machine grinds the coffee it makes the grinding sound and hissing sound
 
Day time soap watchers have to be the most fucked up people. Americans, you have guns for a reason, use them.
 
Its important to remember that conquering a piece of land is the same as conquering a woman. First you must check with the leaders, in the womans case this is her true identity. Then you must randevous with the clergy, as far as the woman is concerned, this is just making sure you elevate her confidence and reassurance. The next step is to be accepted by the people, in both cases you just have to appear caring and attentive.Then locate the natural resources of the land; most guys don't have any probelm with this. Then lay your own terms; listen to her more. Finally, the most important part of any conquest is to always have an exit strategy, don't go into anything you won't come out of.
 
Erm... this may only work for UK viewers.
What do Richard Hammond and Kate Moss have in common?

- They both get smashed on top gear.
 
why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?

so they don't fill up with dirt...
 
why are a womans holes so close together?

so you can pick them up like a six-pack...
 
What do richard hammond and elton john have in common?

They both have skid marks on their helmets!!!
 
A bloke goes for an eye appointment at his optician:

Optician: Im afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating
Bloke: Why? Is it making my eyes weaker?
Optician: No - its upsetting all my other patients!
 
Two flies on a piece of shit, one farts and the other one says "Do you mind, Im eating my dinner".



Whats the hardest part of a cabbage to boil?

The Wheelchair!!!



What do you call a good looking paki ?

AZIF



Did you hear about the Muslim copper

Allah Allah Allah wot is all this then



What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?

The PGA tour!




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A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing.""
 
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said,

"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
 
A muslim woman came knocking on my door earlier today. I didn't open it- just looked through the letterbox. Let's see how she fucking likes it!

The Flemster.
 
Two prostitutes are in a lift.

One says to the other "I can smell spunk!"

The other replies "Yeah, it's me, I've just burped"
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1st post, my kinda site!
 
Two little sperms are swimming along, post ejaculation.

One says to the other "How much further to this ovary then?"

"Dunno mate, we've only just passed her tonsils"
 
Paki goes to the Doctor...

"Doc, I've got terrible diarrhoea, can you recommend anything for me ?"

Doc answers "Try Bisto"

Paki "Will it cure it?"

Doc "Nope, but it will thicken it up a bit!"
 
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