Looking within, one runs into the danger of solipsism - solipsism is short of insanity.
Looking without, one runs into the danger of being swallowed by interpersonal politics.
So where should one look?
i'm pretty sure that your horrible religious experience was a christian one. did you pay attention to anything the bible said during that time? or were you too distracted by your desire to please others? or perhaps a desire for an easier answer than the one presented in the bible? who are you really trying to serve? yourself? your own need for approval? other people? their need to judge, condemn, and control? all of those needs firmly grounded in ego.
immanuel means god with us. not only by our side, but on our side as well. can you not stop and appreciate a flower without someone else around to validate your appreciation? can you not look at it and say "this is beautiful"? can you not smell it and say "this smells good"? without having to run to find some other human to tell you whether you're right about that or not? is that really insane, to think that you could appreciate something all on your own?
the way i see it, your problem is that you have no faith in god or in yourself.