"it" is so impersonal. keep in mind that whatever gender this "it" is, i interact with "it", so i like to call him "him". it works for me. i don't really dwell on the details to tell you the truth. it's enough just to try and keep up with what is going on in my life because of this interaction. try to understand that this is not an intellectual or theological debate for me. this is real. this is really my life that i have to live everyday, and i take it very seriously. i offered god my life, and he took it, and he turned it upside down. i'm not talking about what i read in a book, or heard someone else say, or something that i pretended to believe to make me feel better or to conform or be part of a group. i've been outcast by what he's done in my life, and i've been transformed, and it hasn't been some joy ride either. if you think that god is some glorified dr. feelgood then think again. god is not nice. and giving up your life to him is not what i thought it might be like when i did it, but i still meant it. i had no idea what i was in store for. rainbows, and puppy dogs, and church on sunday mornings, i don't think so. i still have the marks on my dining room wall where i kicked it repeatedly until i think i broke my toe. i've been frustrated, isolated, and i've been pissed off. think about the stories you know of from the bible. do they seem like "feel good" stories to you? do you think that noah was at ease and happy go lucky when he was building his ark? how about jonah when he was in the belly of a whale? what do you think about what happened to jesus? i have thought many times that i understood why jesus asked god, "why have you forsaken me." but god never did. it just feels that way sometimes. i am so better off for having been through what i've been through. i feel invincible and i know that's for a reason, because i'm sure he has more in store, and i'm prepared. bring it on. i love god. and i am not out here in vain, wishing that someone would say they believe based upon what i testify to. i'm not trying to convince anyone, or convert anyone. i know better. i know that you can not truly believe something unless you know it, and that you can not know it until you experience it for yourself. i'm just here to share and discuss things.