Revenge

Roaring like a thunderous wind, he farted.

And it smelled like the old Cavern club in Liverpool used to the day after the night before and that is to say it STANK! But at least the noise had lifted the silence and he felt cheered, he suddenly felt a deep craving for a Mars bar and ran towards the door, slipping on the soap and sliding headlong into a very large pair of black boots attached to a very displeased looking...
 
...Chuck Norris! "What were you thinking, hitting Bruce on the nose that hard!", he yelled at Adam. Adams thoughts of the weird night at the dressing room of Wimbledon suddenly fell into place as he saw the devilish look in Chuckies eyes.

Like a deja-vu, he was off in the same feeling as way back in 1970. Now he really got afraid! No movie, no dream, this was for real!

Cold sweat appeared on his brows as he felt a fire-red pain come up in his chest. He looked at Chuck's hands and his eyes couldn't believe what they were seeing...
 
A titty twister! Chucky had applied his martial skills in a most devilish way. Adam's nipples burned as chuck slowly turned his gripping hands. Falling to his knees, Adam pleaded, "Stop, Chuck! You're killing me...Yeeeaaahw!"

Just then Mr. T appeared behind Chuck. Looking down at Adam and lowering his brow in anger, he bagan to shake his fist. "Foo! You didn't even bother to pay the man!"
 
"Foo! You didn't even bother to pay the man!"

The shock of seeing Mr. T was stunning. All Adam could do would not allow him ot take his eyes off the glint of all that gold just hanging around Mr. T's neck.

Then it dawned on him. He had been running through what had seemed like a nightmare since he had woken up. All these people that in real life, he would have no connection too...

Someone had slipped acid into his morning orange juice....
 
<i>"Someone had slipped acid into his morning orange juice..."</i>

Or, possibly, those moldy donuts he had found in the dumpster were responsible.
 
Or, possibly, those moldy donuts he had found in the dumpster were responsible

He wondered how long it was going to take for this stuff to wear off. How could he put his self in such a position? He felt exposed to what ever enemy might hold ill will towards him. Should he wait it out until he returned to normal? Going with the flow didn't seem like such a good idea now. Not after the day he just had...
 
<i>"Not after the day he just had..."</i>

The pain in his nipples dissolved away, as did Chuck and Mr. T, as did the walls around him. A flood of euphoric bliss rushed into his tortured soul, and he found himself sitting in a field of swaying grass and daisies. There, under the sun and blue sky, he felt safe.
 
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...With a blissful smile on his face he looked around. The wind was blowing softly and the few clouds were floating by like in a dream. Then he heard a vague sound, he didn't realize before. Like there was some hammering somewhere in the distance. Adam turned his head in the direction he thought, the sound was coming from.

Far away, at the horizon, he saw a kind of shed, it wasn't entirely clear now. His curiosity was awakened. Slowly he stumbled up to his feet and began walking in the direction of the 'shed'. The grass under his feet felt soft and seemed to part wherever he put his feet. "Amazing!," he thought in wonder. Then the colour of the grass turned from warm green into dirty, smokey yellow while he was looking at it. Like his feet were disturbing the Land on which he was walking. "Gods, that garbage is still working in my body, when will it be over?," he mumbled to himself.

He lowered himself down to the grass again. "I better lay down here and wait, til it's finally over."

A voice spoke...suddenly, unexpected and startled him almost to death...
 
YOOHOO!

THE PARK KEEPER WAS FURIOUS

He had nurtured the beautiful lawn for ten years and he knew that human sweat mixed with LSD residue would ruin it because he was told this when he sold his soul to the devil in exchange for a lovely green lawn.

There it was, ruined.

Adam groaned as the keeper approached
"oh for fecks sake" he squeaked, getting rather tired of not knowing his arse from his elbow

It was turning out to be the second worst day of his life...
 
It was turning out to be the second worst day of his life...

"Well?" The park keeper bellowed, "Aren't you feeling ashamed of yourself?"

"Hey look I didn't do nothing to the grass, it was like this when I stumbled across it."

"Exactly! You stumbled over it and ruined it.. my life's work! You've made an old man very sad sir." He said transforming into Ringo Starr as he'd been on the cover of Sgt Pepper.

"You're not that old." Said Adam.

"Not now I'm not but I will be when I'm 64 and it won't take long now that you've ruined my octopussy's garden." He said.

"Damn' I hate trippin'!"

"Who are you?"

"Adam"

"Shame"

"What d'you mean?"

"Shame they don't call you Eve, I've got a pound of juicy apples waiting for her over in that shed!"

Adam turned his head in the direction Ringo nodded to and laughed, "That's not a shed, it's a yellow submarine! What's a yellow submarine doing in the middle of a field?"

"Cause they didn't have it in red dummy!"

"Ringo d'you realise I'm trippin on acid and this is the most stupid conversation I've ever had?"

"Well sod you then!" He said and vanished into thin air.

Adam just sat there, head in a daze staring at the bright yellow marine craft, which had somehow come and parked right next to him. It made a buzzing noise and seemed to be vibrating at quiet a high frequency when he noticed that it was actually floating. Suddenly and with a metallic whirring noise a door opened on the side of the craft and a staircase unfolded down to the ground. A figure appeared standing in the doorway and Adam looked at it astounded, "Oh no, not Lucy!" He said.
 
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"Oh no, not Lucy!" He said.

Adam thought to his self. I could have told that gardener how to take care of his problem with the grass. The English solved that long ago. They even have a formula for it and it goes like this...

Cut grass regulary and often. Water when necessary. Fertilize when needed. And use a roller on it to keep it level for 500 years.

His thoughts returned to Lucy. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds; bright and sparkling. Shiny, twinlking so bright, like stars in the heavens.

And then the thunderstorm started on the horizon. Bolts of lighting, a long way off, rippling across the sky. What a light show thought Adam! Man, a front row seat, with every seat a winner! W@W! Talk about a light show. All he needed was a good band playing live music to make it so right...
 
All he needed was a good band playing live music to make it so right...

"Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour, roll up.." Lucy shouted, breaking into a wheezing cough as a psychedelically painted bus appeared on the horizon framed between forked lightning.

"I should definetely stop eating out of dumpsters!" Thought Adam. "That's a shocking cough you've got there Luce", he said to Lucy, but she was off running towards the bus and throwing her knickers in the air in jubilation. He just sat there and scratched his head waiting for the bus to arrive but to his consternation it didn't seem to be moving, in fact it looked like the whole scene on the horizon had simply frozen in time, even the forked lightning was still there astride the bus and Lucy's knickers were still stuck to the sky her arms outstretched and heels frozen in a permanent state of clicking for joy. "God I wish I were sober!" He said to his shadow draped over the yellow submarine.

"Come on Adam! I'm ready for you!" The sultry voice of a woman shouted from inside the craft.
 
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"Come on Adam! I'm ready for you!" The sultry voice of a woman shouted from inside the craft.

He could hear echoes ending the shout. The whole scene had a surrealistic feel and look to it, almost as if it were out of a painting. The lightning was now stuck to the sky, frozen in place.

Everything was losing it's solidity, trying to run together. He scampered for the red bus, the only thing remaining that looked as if it was anchored to reality.

As he was on his way, the thought occured to him. All this started with that stupid button I hit. Revenge, indeed but whose revenge...
 
...Probably the one who'd added the acid to his drink or food, earlier. He had completely lost track of time now. While Adam was heading for the red bus, his thoughts ran wild in his head, trying to remember who the hell could have done this to him.

He'd forgotten all about the woman's voice...the sultry voice shouted again! It sounded much closer then the first time! A shadow appeared in front of him, a big, tall shadow of a woman!

"Oh Gods, I have to run," Adam thought and sprang forward, trying to get to the bus. To late! The shadow catched up with him.

"Where are you going my dear," the voice said, almost purring from devilish joy. Adam turned slowly around, and stood face to face with her.

"Oh no! YOU!...", he cried by the sudden recognition...
 
"Yes liebchen, it iss I Your Luffly Dr russ. Ze Druks ver impregnated into mine couch on vich you lay. But zey vear off now.
The doc suddenly began to grow to a size more in keeping with people with letters after their name.

All of the colours faded and the world became a dull grey once more. He looked into her piercing blue eye and her piercing red one.
"Why?" he squeaked

"Zimple liebchen... Rrrrrrrrrrrrevenge!!"
 
"Oh no! YOU!...", he cried by the sudden recognition...

It was Jim Carrey in drag! Thunder clapped so loudly it moved the very earth they stood on and scared away the light as the sun hid behind ominously dark clouds in awe of the awesomely talented actor!

"Jim! I think the Mask was brilliant, I particurlarly admire the way you avoid getting stereotyped as a Mask type character even though it was the best thing you ever did."

"Huh? I'm Dustin Hoffman yajerk!"

"Forgive me dude, I'm high as a kite in a crosswind!"

He continued running for the bus and suddenly the grass became as it were before, lush and green with large nine tipped blades and it parted the way for him like the red sea, only in green. The psychedelically painTed bus, which probably looked red from a distance drew closer and he could hear beautiful music drifting his way
---Do you know the way to San Jose? La la la la la la la la la yeah--

"Cool!" He thought. He just couldn't imagine what was awaiting him.
 
"Cool!" He thought. He just couldn't imagine what was awaiting him.

The grass was continuing to grow at an astounding rate. What was once low cut was on the verge of becoming thick and lush vegetation reaching nearly to his waist. If it continued at this rate he would be luckly to reach the bus.

He reboubled his efforts to reach his goal of the vehicle. He had made it. There was a thin curtain of grass now between him and his intended path. He brushed some of it aside.

The song from the sixties was coming from the oddest thing! It was a catapiller astride a mushroom! The mushroom was like out of a picture book, all pok-a-dotted. And the capapillar, it was...
 
...Garfield! The face of the cat had its own peculiar, sadistic grin on it when Adam looked down on him. He shook his head as to shake off the weird picture, sketched before his eyes. He even put his hands before his eyes. "Oh, oh, this has going to stop", he thought fiercefully. At last Adam spread his fingers and peered through his eye lashes, very carefully.

"Hi", Garfield lispeled. "You have something to eat? All this singing makes me so very hungry!" His grin seemed to widen and his sharp teeth were shown.

Adam gave a brief, weak yel and galoped over the grass towards the bus. The bus didn't seem to come any closer though. He ran and ran. The grass under his feet now felt like a rollercoaster. Up and down the path went as the grass parted and he set his feet. Like a path was made for him and he couldn't go aside of it.

In his hurry to get to the bus he barely noticed the figures, watching him with almond, bright eyes...
 
watching him with almond, bright eyes...

"Look, there's another one dad!" Said the baby rabbit.

"I see him son, the humans certainly seem very strange in this neck of th woods, I wonder if we did the right thing by leaving Watership Down?"

"Oh do me a favour!" Thought Adam as he whizzed past the family of rabbits and began reciting a mantra to himself, "This is just a dream ohm, I must not eat out of dumpsters ohm, this is just a dream ohm.." etcetera, etcetera, etcetera as Yul Brynner once said.

By now the psychotropically inspired paintwork on the bus was brimming his vision but suddenly the grass shot up to over 2 metres high laden with thick clusters of flowers and he couldn't see a thing, ran straight into a thick cola. "Yeouch!" He shouted as he landed on his bottom and rubbed the sticky flowers out of his face. He could suddenly smell something, he sniffed the atmosphere, smelled his fingers, "Wow, what a delicious scent!" He said looking around the thickly wooded plantation.

A noise in the undergrowth made him start! "RIBBIT!" it said, "CROAK!" He looked for the source of the noise and noticed a toad chilling by a big fat stem of a grass tree. " Yo bitch what you muthafuckin' doin' on my turf? Did you hear me give you muthafuckin' permission to be in my 'hood yo muthafucker? You better remove your Nikes and get the fuck outa maface muthafucka!" The toad said soon as he saw him.

"I ain't afraid of no toad!"

Toad pulled out a Magnum .45! Adam quickly removed his trainers and ran through a barely discernible path being afforded him by the wilting grass trees. "Where's the bloody bus?" He shouted, hopping in pain as he stepped shoeless on the pebbles and seashells. "Seashells?"

He suddenly stopped and looked around him, could see nothing but sand and water, he'd found himself on a vast seashore, ocean perfectly blue, perfectly calm. The coast stretched on for miles in a gigantic bay--couldn't see where it finished in the hazy distance. Suddenly the atmosphere was filled with the calming sounds of mellow guitar weeping gently through a wah pedal. The sky above turned a hell fire red, someone's house is burning down down down down. Somebody sang. He looked toward the water and saw a periscope jutting out of the glass-like still water, it approached in his direction..
 
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...the periscope came a little higher above the water and turned in every direction before staring right into Adams face. It had a weird glare in the light of the red sky and the now purple-blue ocean. Suddenly a voice said," Hey man, there's a red house over yonder. I bet you can find your way back there!"

Adam staggered back in awe. "Who, what, where?", he thought and looked around him. In the sand was a creature which looked like a kind of lobster but certainly wasn't. It had big scissors at the end of its claws and was snatching at him while it approached. It made a hair raising sound. "Dadachuk, dadadum", it said and almost got a hold of one of Adams feet.

He jumped back and his gaze floated over the Ocean while he tried to get away from the creature. The periscope now, had nearly arrived at the coast. It rose above the water and a silver Dolphin came to the surface. His eyes blinked at Adam and the periscope quickly disappered in his head. he laughed and the sound of it made Adam dazzle. "Hi", the Dolphin said. "Didn't you hear me? You better watch your step..."

The Lobster creature now, had reached Adam and clutched its left scissor-claw in Adams foot. Before he realized it, his big toe was gone and a bloody stump was left where once his toe was. Blood all over the sand...
 
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