I am not a shrink (though I have seen plenty
) nor any other type of mental health professional. I also do not know you, all I know is the very little I see here in front of me. I am just calling it as I see it and not claiming any professional experience or anything like that. This is just the advice I would give to a friend.
That said...
Put myself in your shoes?
OK.
1.) I fall so madly head-over-heels "in love" with someone that I have never spent any time with in real life.
2.) I am so "in love" with this person that I am ready to dedicate or scrifice my life for this person.
3.) I KNOW this person is just as "in love" with me and wants to be with me.
4.) This person has never acknowledged me, outside of astral projection (keep in mind, I AM experienced in meditation, out of body experiences, lucid dreaming and drugs).
5.) All of my reasoning for not contacting this person not only does not make reasonable sense even to me, but it all comes from the voice of God.
6.) The one time I DID try to contact this person, the package came back unopened (even though this band is known for opening all their fan mail).
7.) I talk about this person like we have known each other our entire lives.
OK, here would be MY reasoning if I were in your shoes...
1.) Being "in love" with someone requires getting to know them. Not through their art, not through astral projection (real or imagined), not through my built-up impression of who I think they are. Through real life interraction. Through getting to know and trust them by them being there for me in times of need (like my girlfriend taking care of me while I was sick with the flu this week), and me doing the same. It is a two-way street. Give and take. It requires EARNED and DESERVED trust and mutual respect. It requires spending quality time with the person and seeing them interract with other people on a regualr basis so you get to see and fully understand their true character. When I was younger I fell for MANY artists for their art. It took me a long time and a lot of hurt to recognize that an artist and their art are two very different things. Until I get to know a person, TRULY get to know them through inter-personal interraction and real time together, I can't BE 'in love" with them. At best, I can be infatuated with their persona or intrigued by their art and WANT to get to know them.
2.) That's not love if it's not reciprocated. It's dangerous obsession and nothing more. If this person is not willing to contact me, then it is not reciprocated, regardless of what happens in the spiritual world.
3.) If the person is not willing to publicly come out and love me in real life because the person is afraid people will think it is a publicity stunt or people will ridicule us, then that person is more in love with their career than ME. If that person is "in love" with me, and that person is a rich and famous rock star, that person would be willing to retire, step out of the limelight and settle down with me if that is what is required to be with me. The person would do a Rolling Stone interview and say, "I know this sounds cooky, but I truly believe that God led me to this person." The person is Born-Again, anyway. Most of rock star's fans would completely understand and say how wonderful it is that God did that, and those that didn't believe, SO WHAT?! I don't need people to believe I am in love with the person I am in love with. I could care less about anyone's opinion of OUR relationship.
4.) I have had some incredibly realistic believable experiences during meditation and other altered states of consciousness. I have felt people touch me, heard voices (not just in my head, but clearly whispering in my ear) I have had visions, I have had the sensation of leaving my body, I have had the sensation of communing with others WHILE out of my body. Although I do honestly believe that some of it was real, I am absolutlely convinced that some of it was just in my head. YES, my subconscious. It is a hell of a lot more powerful than you give it credit for. I have personally seen people cause burn blisters rise on thier skin without touching anything warm to it. If they can do that, don't you think you can have the sensation that someone is touching you? Or talking to you? One experience I had was communing with my father in my bathroom mirror. He was dressed in the leather jacket he used to wear when I was a kid. The last time I spoke to him he was on his way into the hospital, and I hadn't heard from him since (it was over a month, but that was nothing new for my father). I called the hospital (he didn't have a phone), I checked the Social Security database online, I called everyone I could think of and nobody knew anything. I was convinced he was dead. A few months later, my brother tried the bar he likes to hang out at and he was there. No matter HOW convincing it might be, I would never take any of these experiences as FACT, ESPECIALLY invoing someone else,
ESPECIALLY someone I didn't know without some kind of confirmation in real life. Not only does this person not confirm any of this, but I am making nonsensical excuses for it and holding onto those for dear life.
5.) I'm not an atheist, so I wouldn't discount God right out of the box, like some, but I am agnostic and would, understandably, have a hard time with this. Pretty much everything from number 4 would stand for this one. Sure, maybe God does have some grand plan for me, or maybe he just wants to play match-maker for me. Maybe he is my buddy and just picked me out of 6 billion people to hook-up because of my faith. As outlandish as it might sound, is it possible? Sure! However, I can't let myself forget precicely HOW outlandish it does sound. I couldn't allow myself to use God's voice as supporting evidence (again, refer back to number 4).
6.) One of two things happened. Rock start knew who I was and is trying to push me away, and could possibly be getting nervous or the Post Office fucked up. There is NO WAY in hell I would make the connection that I am not "supposed to" contact the person! Even with point 1, 2 AND 3 put aside, the reasoning makes no sense whatsoever. The band likely gets (they way you describe them and their popularity) thousands if not tens of thousands of pieces of fan mail a week. There is no way the flower deliever person would remember my name, even if he did, he didn't know what I said in the card, even if he peeked, it would mean nothing to him. Who besides me and this person would think those flowers are of any significance to me and the person. Besides, this person doesn't sign for their mail personally! In order to have my flowers rejected, this person's assistants would have to know about us, and that is MUCH more of a risk than actualy accepting flowers from a fan. which this person does on a regular basis. It makes NO SENSE!
7.) Let's take Jack Kerouac as an example. The vast majority of Jack's work is autobiographical. Most of his friend and acquaintences were writers, and most of them wrote about him (before or after his death). He lived a WIDE open life. I have read things that he has written dating back to when he was 12 years old! I have a book filled with dozens of letters Jack has written to many people. I have heard him speak about his work and his life. I have heard other that knew him speak of his work and life. I have read books and articles wriiten about him by people that knew him and others that studied his life. I know a great deal ABOUT Jack Kerouac. Odds are I know a good deal more about Jack than you know about rock star. You know what, though? I DO NOT KNOW JACK. Moreover JACK DOES NOT (or did not) KNOW ME.
Looking at it altogether, this is the impression I get.
This happened RIGHT after you decided that it is OK to need and want a man in your life.
You had been without one, and living a self-destructive lifestyle for quite a while up until then.
You were lost, confused and desperate for some direction, some understanding, but you were still very afraid.
Afraid of what? I don't know, but I suppose it was whatever drove you to your secluded life of self destruction in the first place (yes, even when you were married, you were secluded - secluded from life and from yourself). You tell me, what drove you to drugs in the first place? What were you running away from? What were you trying to hide from all those years ago?
So, your survival instinct kicks in. That's quite a powerful thing. It gives people super-human strength at times (physically and menatlly). Your mind will convince your body of ANYTHING if it needs to. It will even lie to itself. You knew that if you stayed in the life you were in, you would be destroyed. You were probably coming to some big turning point in your life, some point of no return. You knew there was no turning back after this. You had a decision. You continue on with the path you had chosen, or you allow your survival instinct to take over. What's the easiest thing for a Christian to believe? God intervened. It is almost like a split personality. Your rational side that knows you are destroying yourself and will not let that happen, does what it has to to convince your emotional side to change, to hold on to life, to trun around before it's too late. Who knows you better than you know yourself? Of course, you can't see all this going on because, as much as you seem to hate the word, it is happening in your subconscious mind. You were ready for a man, but if another man broke your heart it would be then end of it, you were far too fragile at that point, so you had to be protected from that. Your rational subconscious mind knows that if youe confront your rock star and he rejects you, the whole smoke and mirrors set-up will fail, and you just may collapse.
You aren't crazy at all. We all do this. Regardless of what anyone tells you, we ALL do this. To what extent we do it all depends on how much we need it. You are far too intelligent and sane to need it to this level. You DON'T NEED a man. It is nice to have a companion in life, but you are not incomplete, your life is not incomplete without one. Fuck Jerry Maguire, if you need a man to complete you, then you are better off alone until you are a complete person. Find what's missing in your life and pursue it. When you see yourself as complete, then look for someone who will COMPLEMENT you and your life.
So, me, in your shoes, I think the same thing I thought last week.
Yes, it is possible, but severely unlikely.
Find out.
Write him a letter and say, "This may sound crazy, but it would be MORE crazy for me to NOT ask..."
If he says, "No." or doesn't reply, let it go. Get on with your life.
If he says, "Yes" run to him (sticking your tongue out at all of us on the way there), be happy, and let me write the book.