one_raven said:
1.) Being "in love" with someone requires getting to know them. Not through their art, not through astral projection (real or imagined), not through my built-up impression of who I think they are. Through real life interraction. Through getting to know and trust them by them being there for me in times of need (like my girlfriend taking care of me while I was sick with the flu this week), and me doing the same. It is a two-way street. Give and take. It requires EARNED and DESERVED trust and mutual respect. It requires spending quality time with the person and seeing them interract with other people on a regualr basis so you get to see and fully understand their true character. When I was younger I fell for MANY artists for their art. It took me a long time and a lot of hurt to recognize that an artist and their art are two very different things. Until I get to know a person, TRULY get to know them through inter-personal interraction and real time together, I can't BE 'in love" with them. At best, I can be infatuated with their persona or intrigued by their art and WANT to get to know them.
I know everything I need to know about this man to love him and to commit myself to him and I do. That is not to say that our love will not grow upon meeting in the flesh and spending time sharing each other...as this will continue on forever and ever. God has shown me this man...his character...his faith...and resulting accomplishments...his personality. It's like He let me take a peek inside his heart. God told me that he was just like me only a man...only stronger than I am. God told me that he was my husband...my spiritual leader. God also told me that he was my childhood imaginery friend before he was born. How extremely odd and romantic is that? Because of God, I know things about him that not many people know...and understand things about him that not many people understand...things that have been extremely personal...rather ironically, as these secrets have been the inspiration for all of his art. I have just about everything the band has ever put on tape in the form of cd's, music videos, interviews, concert footage, radio shows. And I've watched this man change...over the past 6 years or so. I've watched him grow up...having to...rather quickly. And I've watched and listened with a limited understanding, but at that, a better understanding than most others have. I've watched him become humbled...going from an angry and defiant boy to a remorseful and desperate man. It's been difficult to watch because it breaks my heart...and I'm sure I still have no idea really how bad and hard it's been for him. But I've sat riveted to the images and mesmerized by the music in absolute amazement at what he and his friends (his band) have accomplished. I've never been so impressed with anyone. I don't even know the half of how hard it's been for him and yet I still respect him and admire him more than I have anyone else in my entire life...by far. It's actually occurred to me lately that what I am going through now, and have been for the past nine months is an itty bitty taste of what it must have been like for him...only he endured for seven years...and he endured in a state of "being" that I have no understanding of...spiritual death. The strength that he has shown is miraculous and inspiring. And so God was right...I am most certainly in awe of him. Bottom line is this...when God tells me something I believe Him. And God has told me that me and this man were made to love each other. It's that simple. There is nothing in this world that is more real to me than that. As a matter of fact, this world and those in it can be very deceiving can't they? In many ways, this world and our flesh is one big lie...one big distraction from the truth which is found in the Spirit of God. You think that people don't deceive one another when forming a relationship? Think about it. My baby watches me when I think that I'm alone. He has most undoubtedly seen me at my worst...and I can be really hideous. I disgust myself even sometimes.
2.) That's not love if it's not reciprocated. It's dangerous obsession and nothing more. If this person is not willing to contact me, then it is not reciprocated, regardless of what happens in the spiritual world.
It's not that he's not willing. He is doing what he has been told to do, as am I. He is doing the right thing for me and for everyone...even for you my dear...and I'm sure that it is not easy for him. But we are all blessed by his strength and righteousness. And it is reciprocated. He wrote an entire album just for me for crying out loud. I've told you that he has made his sentiments very clear to me in his lyrics and in other ways.
3.) If the person is not willing to publicly come out and love me in real life because the person is afraid people will think it is a publicity stunt or people will ridicule us, then that person is more in love with their career than ME. If that person is "in love" with me, and that person is a rich and famous rock star, that person would be willing to retire, step out of the limelight and settle down with me if that is what is required to be with me. The person would do a Rolling Stone interview and say, "I know this sounds cooky, but I truly believe that God led me to this person." The person is Born-Again, anyway. Most of rock star's fans would completely understand and say how wonderful it is that God did that, and those that didn't believe, SO WHAT?! I don't need people to believe I am in love with the person I am in love with. I could care less about anyone's opinion of OUR relationship.
Just give him a minute would you? This is not over. And this can not be rushed. He will treat me right...you'll see. He will sanctify, honor, defend, and protect me...you just watch.
4.) I have had some incredibly realistic believable experiences during meditation and other altered states of consciousness. I have felt people touch me, heard voices (not just in my head, but clearly whispering in my ear) I have had visions, I have had the sensation of leaving my body, I have had the sensation of communing with others WHILE out of my body. Although I do honestly believe that some of it was real, I am absolutlely convinced that some of it was just in my head. YES, my subconscious. It is a hell of a lot more powerful than you give it credit for. I have personally seen people cause burn blisters rise on thier skin without touching anything warm to it. If they can do that, don't you think you can have the sensation that someone is touching you? Or talking to you? One experience I had was communing with my father in my bathroom mirror. He was dressed in the leather jacket he used to wear when I was a kid. The last time I spoke to him he was on his way into the hospital, and I hadn't heard from him since (it was over a month, but that was nothing new for my father). I called the hospital (he didn't have a phone), I checked the Social Security database online, I called everyone I could think of and nobody knew anything. I was convinced he was dead. A few months later, my brother tried the bar he likes to hang out at and he was there. No matter HOW convincing it might be, I would never take any of these experiences as FACT, ESPECIALLY invoing someone else, ESPECIALLY someone I didn't know without some kind of confirmation in real life. Not only does this person not confirm any of this, but I am making nonsensical excuses for it and holding onto those for dear life.
Well, that sounds kind of nuts to me. It must come down to our differences regarding the acceptance or knowledge of the spiritual realm. I honestly have no idea how you could experience what you have and still say that you're an agnostic. I mean what's it going to take with you? Only God knows what it will take for each of us...and He knew for me...and so that is what He presented to me...and so now I know. And what you are missing, and by no fault of your own since I refuse to divulge the identity of the artist, is the confirmation. But please believe me...there is a ton of confirmation...a mountain of confirmation. So far, six cd's of it...plus a variety of other art...interviews. You know, all of the "coincedences"...the bazillion or so "coincedences" all regarding the same thing. This will be shown...soon...and then you will see what I've seen and then you will understand.
5.) I'm not an atheist, so I wouldn't discount God right out of the box, like some, but I am agnostic and would, understandably, have a hard time with this. Pretty much everything from number 4 would stand for this one. Sure, maybe God does have some grand plan for me, or maybe he just wants to play match-maker for me. Maybe he is my buddy and just picked me out of 6 billion people to hook-up because of my faith. As outlandish as it might sound, is it possible? Sure! However, I can't let myself forget precicely HOW outlandish it does sound. I couldn't allow myself to use God's voice as supporting evidence (again, refer back to number 4).
I am very well aware of how outlandish it sounds. I'm the one who's going through it and it sounds outlandish to me. I've said that I can barely get my own head around all of this...and in many ways it's very surreal to me. But being the one having experienced it, I can assure you that this is as real as the nose on my face...there is absolutely no denying it. Aside from the "spiritual experience" itself, the material evidence and confirmation that has been provided to me has been absolutely overwhelming and undeniable. Given what has been presented to me for confirmation, I would have to be insane to
deny.
6.) One of two things happened. Rock start knew who I was and is trying to push me away, and could possibly be getting nervous or the Post Office fucked up. There is NO WAY in hell I would make the connection that I am not "supposed to" contact the person! Even with point 1, 2 AND 3 put aside, the reasoning makes no sense whatsoever. The band likely gets (they way you describe them and their popularity) thousands if not tens of thousands of pieces of fan mail a week. There is no way the flower deliever person would remember my name, even if he did, he didn't know what I said in the card, even if he peeked, it would mean nothing to him. Who besides me and this person would think those flowers are of any significance to me and the person. Besides, this person doesn't sign for their mail personally! In order to have my flowers rejected, this person's assistants would have to know about us, and that is MUCH more of a risk than actualy accepting flowers from a fan. which this person does on a regular basis. It makes NO SENSE!
Listen, I don't know how it went down...but rock star definitely knew who the flowers were from, but was not trying to push me away. He's known me and been watching me, and waiting for all of this to happen for years. And during that time was not allowed to contact me, but only to pursue my interest with his music. And it does make sense. Think about it...I know this is hard to follow, but try. When this is all said and done, no one will be able to say that rock star came to me in response to a solicitation or invitation from me due to a lack of communication. There is also no way, without communication that our individual accounts/stories of what has transpired could have been corroborated...and yet we will have been witnessing to the exact same account for almost a year...or have been for almost a year...as I do not know how long this separation will last. The lack of physical or material communication will be evidence of a spiritual interaction and/or phenomenon...and it will give credibility to our testimony. Do you see that?
7.) Let's take Jack Kerouac as an example. The vast majority of Jack's work is autobiographical. Most of his friend and acquaintences were writers, and most of them wrote about him (before or after his death). He lived a WIDE open life. I have read things that he has written dating back to when he was 12 years old! I have a book filled with dozens of letters Jack has written to many people. I have heard him speak about his work and his life. I have heard other that knew him speak of his work and life. I have read books and articles wriiten about him by people that knew him and others that studied his life. I know a great deal ABOUT Jack Kerouac. Odds are I know a good deal more about Jack than you know about rock star. You know what, though? I DO NOT KNOW JACK. Moreover JACK DOES NOT (or did not) KNOW ME.
I know what I need to know, and apparently so does he. I don't know what else to say.
Looking at it altogether, this is the impression I get.
This happened RIGHT after you decided that it is OK to need and want a man in your life.
No, it actually happened five years later.
You had been without one, and living a self-destructive lifestyle for quite a while up until then.
You were lost, confused and desperate for some direction, some understanding, but you were still very afraid.
Afraid of what?
Probably failure.
I don't know, but I suppose it was whatever drove you to your secluded life of self destruction in the first place (yes, even when you were married, you were secluded - secluded from life and from yourself). You tell me, what drove you to drugs in the first place? What were you running away from? What were you trying to hide from all those years ago?
I wasn't hiding from anything...I was just bored, unfulfilled and disappointed. And in regards to men, I was afraid of them. I didn't trust them...I didn't think that they could be trusted, or that at the very least that it was a good idea to lay it all on the line in hopes that one could be.
So, your survival instinct kicks in. That's quite a powerful thing. It gives people super-human strength at times (physically and menatlly). Your mind will convince your body of ANYTHING if it needs to. It will even lie to itself. You knew that if you stayed in the life you were in, you would be destroyed. You were probably coming to some big turning point in your life, some point of no return. You knew there was no turning back after this. You had a decision. You continue on with the path you had chosen, or you allow your survival instinct to take over. What's the easiest thing for a Christian to believe? God intervened. It is almost like a split personality. Your rational side that knows you are destroying yourself and will not let that happen, does what it has to to convince your emotional side to change, to hold on to life, to trun around before it's too late. Who knows you better than you know yourself? Of course, you can't see all this going on because, as much as you seem to hate the word, it is happening in your subconscious mind. You were ready for a man, but if another man broke your heart it would be then end of it, you were far too fragile at that point, so you had to be protected from that. Your rational subconscious mind knows that if youe confront your rock star and he rejects you, the whole smoke and mirrors set-up will fail, and you just may collapse.
After knowing God personally for years, and after He was the one who explained to me what my problem was in relation to men...being the trust issue. He convinced me that I had been lying to myself all of these years. This is how it went in a nutshell...
Lori: What is my problem?
God: You don't trust men.
Lori: Well, duh. Why would I? You know what I've seen...you know what I've experienced. You know your whole "wives submit to you husbands" and "husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church" thing sounds really nice...really nice. I mean what a relief it would be to be able to actually trust a man's intentions were in my best interest...but the fact is that the preacher man who is explaining all of this to me is most likely doing half the choir behind his wifes back and you know it.
God: Touche. So are you saying that you don't think that there is any man on the face of the earth that is as trust worthy as you are?
Lori: *dumbfounded by the last three words of His last statement* Yea, I suppose that is what I'm saying.
God: Doesn't that sound kind of arrogant to you?
Lori: Well yea, when you put it that way, I suppose it does sound pretty arrogant. So if I'm wrong then prove it to me. Show me this man who is as trust worthy as I am who I can be with. I mean, where the hell is he? Where has he been hiding?
God: So what are you going to do?
Lori: What can I do? I can't kill myself because of you. I can't go through what I've gone through with a man again...I'm just not willing to go through it again...I can't...I'm not capable of being that devastated again...I won't. And yet the thought of living the rest of my life without that kind of love that I long for just makes me want to refer back to the first option. So I ask you, what can I do?
God: Let me do this for you.
Lori: Well, you're going to have to because there is no way in hell I'm ever trusting my own judgement again. The only way I will ever be with a man again is if you provide him to me. I mean you are going to have to find this guy, cause I'm not looking, and plop him down right on my front porch, and make it so overwhelming obvious to me that he is "the one" that I can not possibly mistake him.
God: Well then I will.
And I have been waiting for five years. And I've done a lot of learning and growing and changing over those years.
You aren't crazy at all. We all do this. Regardless of what anyone tells you, we ALL do this. To what extent we do it all depends on how much we need it. You are far too intelligent and sane to need it to this level. You DON'T NEED a man. It is nice to have a companion in life, but you are not incomplete, your life is not incomplete without one. Fuck Jerry Maguire, if you need a man to complete you, then you are better off alone until you are a complete person. Find what's missing in your life and pursue it. When you see yourself as complete, then look for someone who will COMPLEMENT you and your life.
I do need a man. Not just any man. Only one man...and yes I do need him. I could live without him, but I don't want to. I need him to be fulfilled in ways that only he can fulfill me...no one else can.
So, me, in your shoes, I think the same thing I thought last week.
Yes, it is possible, but severely unlikely.
Find out.
Write him a letter and say, "This may sound crazy, but it would be MORE crazy for me to NOT ask..."
If he says, "No." or doesn't reply, let it go. Get on with your life.
If he says, "Yes" run to him (sticking your tongue out at all of us on the way there), be happy, and let me write the book.
Forget it, I'm not writing him or contacting him in any way...it's not gonna happen. He will come to get me...he will contact me...not the other way around. He knows when, I do not. I will try very hard not to stick out my tongue when he does. And we'll see about the book...someone's going to have to write one.
Love,
Lori
ps...I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you talking to me about all of this and your ability to be sincere and open minded. I appreciate it so much. Thank you. *smooch*
