The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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why did the woman cross the road?

Thats not important, the real question should be what the fuck is she doing away from the fucking kitchen!
 
englishman, frenchman, american and a mexican on a plane going to the U.N. in new york when all of a sudden theres engine trouble! The pilot says over the P.A. system that theres only 1 parachute onboard.
The Englishman, ever the gentleman steps up, opens the door, shouts GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! And jumps!
The frenchman, always the fucking copycat steps up, goes to the door and shouts VIVE LA FRANCE and jumps into the abyss
The yank then steps up, looks out the door at the 2 bodies gathering speed towards the ground, takes a step back then shouts REMEMBER THE ALAMO and throws the mexican out the door!!!!!!
 
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Theres a Parachute regimental sergent major (RSM) a SAS RSM and the RSM from the Duke of Wellingtons regiment (DUKES) all arguing about which regiment is the hardest of the 3!
The para RSM orders a young para up and says get your bergen (backpack) belt kit, helmet and rifle and get to the top of that mountain and back!
Yes sir replies the para and off he runs!
NOW THATS HARD says the para RSM!
The SAS RSM says thats fuck all, and ordersup a trooper from the regiment.
Get your bergen on, belt kit, helmet, rifle, get 3 mortar bombs and the machine gun and run up that mountain quicker than that dope on a rope para!
YES SIR replies the trooper and off he goes at the speed of a thousant gazelles!
NOW THATS HARD comes the cry from the SAS RSM
FUCK RITE OFF comes the laughing Dukes RSM
Oi private,get your fuckin ass here, get your kit on, get your buddy over your shoulder, and run up that mountain, he orders
The young private looks at him,looks up at the mountain then back at the 3 RSM's
FUCK OFF!!!!! he laughs

the Duke RSM then turns and says, now thats fuckin HARD!
 
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On the hottest day of the year a man walks down the street when he passes an ice cream shop,in the window reads a sign sayin we make any flavoured ice cream you could wish for!
So in he pops.
Do you have cheese and onion flavour?
The shop owner says,ill be backin 5mins
sure enough after 5mins he comes back and hands the man an ice cream!
Takes a lick and says fantastic, can taste the cheese but no onion!
Turn it round, replies the owner!
and sure enough on the other side is the onion!
thats great says the man, how bout fish and chips (fries)!
OK i can do this, 10mins!
10mins pass and out walks the man and hands him the cooling ice cream.
He takes a lick, yum yum thats fish, but wheres the chips(fries)???
turn it round, comes the cry from the owner
and there it was, the other side tasted just like chips(fries)
that is amazing says the man, but the ultimate test now, i want an ice cream that tastes like my wifes pussy!!!!!
Blimey,says the owner, now that is a challenge!!! hold on ill be rite back, and off he goes into the back room.
an hour later he re-appears covered in sweat grasping the ice cream shouting IVE DONE IT!!!
the man takes a lick and promtly spits it everywhere shouting thats discusting it tastes like shit!!!!
The owner cool as a cucumber says
TURN IT ROUND!!!!!!!! :)
 
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whats the difference between a white fairytale and a black fairytale?
The white fairytale starts with once upon a time
the black fairytale starts with YO muthafucker you aint gonna believe this shit!
 
A man walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the goddam, mother fucking manager you cock-sucking arsewipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies,"Excuse me, sir, but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the man asks, "Are you the chicken- fucking manager of this bastard joint?"

"Yes, sir, I am," the manager replies, " and could I ask you to refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant."

"Fuck off!" replies the man. " And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of svivelling shit, show us your pissing piano!"

"Aaaah,"replies the manager. " You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the man to the piano. " Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the man proceeds to play the most inspiring and honky-tonk blues that the manager had ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the man. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the man knows any jazz. The man proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

" I want a wank over the washing machine but my bollocks keeps getting stuck in the soap drawer." The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if the man knows any romantic ballads. The man then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's that called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece." replies the man. The manager is highly upset by the man's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the custumers.

This arrangement works well for a few months until one night, sitting opposite is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her boobs are almost falling out at the top and the skimpy little G-string she is wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots with the butter dripping down her chin. It is too much for the man and he runs off to the lavatory to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.He is pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice....

"Where's the bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and - in a fluster - runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk all over your shoes?"

"Know it?" the pianist replies......

"I fucking wrote it!!"
 
How do you know that the local council designed the female genitals?

Well who else would put a play area next to a shithole?
 
why is a womans pussy like a warm toilet seat?

They both feel great but you wonder who has been there before you!
 
Little Harry walks into the bathroom and catches her with no clothes on! Startled he points at her pussy and says whats that mummy?
Taken aback and thinking quickly she tells little Harry thatthats where daddyhit her with an axe!
Little Harry then says Great shot, got you right in the cunt!!!
 
Well done s. Patel.
My all time favourite joke...first told to me ( brilliantly) by an English lad. Slightly different variation but the same punchline.

A classic!
 
what is the definition of a frenzy?

2 lesbians walking through a fish market
 
what does Mike Tyson and Dr Harold Shipman have in common?
They both have a killer left jab
 
whats the best thing about schizophrenia?
It turns a wank into an orgy!
 
whats the hardest part of cooking vegtablesin a microwave?
Getting the wheelchair in through the tiny door!
 
what does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex ?. It means your in the wrong fuckin house!
 
3 men watching a lap dancer, cockney , brummie and a scouser , cockney pulls a £20 note and sticks it on her left buttock, brummie pulls a tenner and sticks it on her right buttock , scouser pulls out his stolen visa and swipes it beteen her arse cheeks and takes £40 cashback
 
What is white, 6foot and hops across Australia?



Skippy the kanga-fridge :)
 
As a relationship expert, a lot of people ask me "when do they tie the knot". Well, first of all you eventually tie it during or after the sour times. What times are these? When you come home and the kids are making noise while watching tv, your wife is in the bathroom taking a shitter with the door wide open and the sink can barely contain her all 400 lbs arss. And if your a woman, its when he constantly leaves the sit down(even after jerking off), he doesn't wipe any part of his body after the bathroom, and when he still comes back to you after fuckin that 18 year old. Go ahead, tie the knot.
 
After the break up of his marriage recently, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again? He said he'd prefer it if we kept calling her Heather!
 
Its a sad world when Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have been divorced and all anybody wants to do is make fun and tell jokes about her false leg!
Personally i think its PROSTHETIC :)
 
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