The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
 
3 men chatting in a bar , 1st one says " i call my wife dove , cos she is small and pretty " 2nd one says "i call mine flamingo ,cos she is tall and pretty" 3rd one says , "i call mine thrush , cos she is an irritating twat "
 
husband and wife driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold, husband says " put it between your legs to warm it up " " but its all wet and it stinks " she said , he said " well hold its fuckin nose then "
 
Woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q , attendant asks , "do you want a screw for that " she replys " no thanks , but i'll suck your cock for a lawn mower"
 
Shit myself last night at the airport, a fuckin muslim rushed in screaming "allah allah allah allah .... allava coke and a bag of nuts please" the stuttering bastard
 
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
 
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
 
Blind man went for a job at a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell, they tested him on all types of wood and he got them all right , to catch him out , the boss got his secretary to rub it between her legs , blind man took a huge sniff , then another asked for it to be turned over , he sniffed again , "ha can't fool me " he said "its an old shithouse door of a fishing boat "
 
A man gets home from working the nightshift an decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex . He climbs under the duvet , gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy till she has a shattering orgasm and cums all over his face , he gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up , and finds his wife in there , " what the fuck are you doing in here " he yells " shhh " says the wife " you'll wake your mother"
 
New fanny wash for women , made of marijuana, anti perspirant and kentucky fried chicken , it leves your fanny high, dry and finger lickin good
 
A small boy is standing on a cliff looking down at the sea and crying , a priest approaches and says "my child why are you crying ?", boy says , "mummy and daddys car car rolled over the cliff and smashed on to the rocks below ", priest looks round while lifting his cassock and says , " just not your day is it"
 
:ITALIAN GUY , when i finish making alove to my girlafriend i go down and gently tickle the back of her knee , she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy!, FRENCH GUY says " zat eez nuttink when i finish making ze love ah kiss her all way down her body an zen lick ze soles of her feet , she floats 10 inches above ze bed " SCOUSER says " when i've finished bangin me bird , i wipe me knob on her curtains , and she hits the fuckin roof "!:D
 
Christy Brown ot a parrot for her bithday and i teaching it to talk . Say "cwisti" she says , but the parrot ignores her , say " cwisti ye kwunt", but still the parrot ignores her , christy then gets very angry and kicks the parrots cage and says " say cwisti ye tupit cwunt ", the parrot turns his head to her and says " fuck off ya retard , ya can't fuckin say it yerself .....
 
A suspected paki terrorist was shot 83 times by police on a raid to his home this morning , when interviewed a police spokesman was asked "why 83 bullets on one man ", he replied " cos thats all we had "!
 
Elsie takes her deaf elderly husband ,Bert to the clinic for his annual check-up , doc says to her , " i need a urine sample , a stool sample and a sperm sample" , Bert turns to Elsie,"what did he say ?" , she replies " HE WANTS YOUR UNDERPANTS "
 
Nigger walking on the beach finds a bottle gives it a rub an out pops a genie , who grants him anything he wants , " wannabe white and surrounded by pussy "sez the coon , so the genie turns him into a Tampax. MORAL OF THE STORY~ you may get what you wish for , but there is always a string attached
 
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