Scivillage

With amazement I am looking at the tarzan. He is trying to lodge free the boulder from the whole with a big branch. SOOOoooo smart!!! Why did I never think of this? I never knew that Tarzan was a member of the MENSA. I can remember seen all his movies, but in those he mainly roared, climbed trees and had an unnatural affection of apes.

In fact I can vividly remember Danish goatmilkers protesting against the public viewing of tarzan movies because of his unnatural affection towards apes. But tarzan was too popular and remained in the cinemas, which led to violent clashes between Danish goatherders handing out brochures on the beauty of having a goat and Tarzan fans who just wanted to see the film with some popcorn and a nice drink.

This eventually led towards a negative attitude towards goats throughout Europe. This was of course very ironic since the goatherders and lovers wanted the oppossite. How sometimes your actions can backfire!!! This lead to an anormous goatmilk reserve in the European Union. This was then turned into a goatcheese mountain in Denmark, where the Danes for the first time in their lives could do some downhill skiiing. That is, after they discovered that rubbing the goatcheese mountain with goatbutter reduced the friction to that of actual snow. In fact some reports indicate that skiiing on goatcheese covered with goat butter is better than actual skiing in snow. But this report got buried by E.U member Austria.

Unfortunately Tarzan movies were no longer made and people all forgot about monkeys and started consuming goat products again.

Soon people started bringing bread to the goatcheese mountain covered in goatbutter and made sandwhiches covered with goatcheese and goatbutter for their lunch. Yes indeed, they didn't bring the butter and cheese themselves, but took it from the skiing hill.

Soon the goatcheese mountain was gone because of selfish behaviour of the Danes and what once was called the 9th world wonder was gone.

When I woke up from my thoughts the boulder was gone and I was ready for a drink. I looked down the hole. The drinks cabinet was still there...excellent,...now...how to get it out of there?

Well, if mozes can't come to the mountain, the mountain will have to come to mozes. I jumped down the hole and poored myself a drink.
 
My plan had worked perfectly! My alcohol fueled lighthouse rocket had blasted off from the Isles deep into space in the direction of Earth. According to my calculations the journey should take less than a month, so I settled back next to the petrol tanks with a straw inserted sipping away at the rocket fuel. I cast my gaze casually out the window... and saw the moon fly past...

Moon?

Already?

Fuck.

I hit the Earths atmosphere like a shockwave. I was going way way way too fast... I had totally miscalculated the strength of the alcohol and the lighthouse rocket was flaming through the atmosphere like a meteorite. There was only one thing left to do. I hid in the beer fridge, closed my eyes and waited...

With a sickening crunch the ship hit the water, bounced off the bottom of the sea bed, went flying through the air and landed upside down in a hole... with a monkey and a drinks cabinet in the bottom. I was either delusional or dead so I decided now would be a good time to black out... so I did.
 
fuck, fuck, fuck, a meteorite just landed in the hole, i better check on the drinks cabinet, phew, its ok, now to find a rope to pull it out... and spurious too if i have enough time, as for the newcomer, well if he has some alcohol he is more than welcome to join us
 
An alien from outer space landed in the hole. My grandfather was the ambassador for Albania in outer mongolia and had told me everything on diplomacy. You always have to poor drinks on the first meeting with a representative of a different government.

So I mixed the alien a dry martini.

Oh...apparently the trip had been exhausting. He was sound asleep. Not to worry. I grabbed the alien's nose, which was suprisingly humanlike and poored the martini down his throat, which also looke suprisingly human. The alien ambassador still looked thirsty, so I continued making and pooring drinks. Once in a while I stopped to make myself a drink, because it was hard work.
 
Top side, embers from the massive and still hot ethanol powered engiens had falled of the craft just priour to its less then gentle landing or impact depending on who you ask.
The embers landed in the forest, setting of a small fire in the undergrowth, which by now and risen in propertions to a small and rapid moving forest fire, a forest fire rapidly moving up the hill towards the small group of people assembled there.

Look the tiger said fiiiiiirrrree, and ran towards the flames. For he had never listened to his mothers warnings about playing with fire.
The tiger push and pull everything it could find and threw it on the fire, feeding it, making it grow. Even a few branches from Tree the tree and most of a pants leg from the girl with SexyBlue feet was sacrificed to the now blazing sea of flames.

Then the tiger found a large steel container with the words "100% Ethanol" written on its side, pushing the round container down the hill the tiger watch on in awe as the container started rolling by its self, happily it rolled and bounce right in to the fire all by its self. Amazed by the containers willingness to enter the flames the tiger looked around for another one, which it eyed inside the spacecraft. Quickly the tiger went to work inside the craft, tugging and tearing with claws and teeth.
 
Seeing the ethanol tank rolling towards the fire, I suddenly think it would be a pretty good idea to hide behind something concrete and fireproof, a nearby solid-rock cliff seemed appropriate for that. I grab SexyBlue and also pull here behind the cliff while calling to the tree to run for cover, the nearly full container was already at the edge of the forrest fire...
 
The drinks cabinet points to a sign on the wall above a door. It says 'E.L.E.V.A.T.O.R'.

I say 'So What?'

He then points up!

I Ignore him. A minute later I have a brilliant idea. 'What if we take the elevator up to the surface? Surely drinks cabinets can use elevators?'

The drinks cabinet on wheels bangs his head with one of the wheels and off we go.

When the elevator doors open up at the surface I see a large barrel of 100% ethanol rolling towards a fire. NOOOOOOooooooooo...

I run after it. The drinks cabinet on wheels hides behind a big rock where some other people are hiding already. One of them shouts 'PARTY!!!!', when he sees the drinks cabinet approaching.

I only have eyes for the barrel with ethanol and bounch after it since I lost my footing during the run downhill...
 
seeing the outcasts feeble attempt at saving the tank of booze, i pick him up and catapult him.

"save that booze!!!"
 
I woke up in the bottom of the hole feeling pretty happy and lightheaded... it almost felt like I was drunk! I decided I must have died in the impact and the light feeling was due to me being a ghost. Cool. I started to hover up the stairs on my way out of the hole when I slipped, banged my nose and split my lip on the bannister. Fuckin ouch!

I decided that since I was alive I would take the elevator instead.

The doors opened to... huh?

A tiger tearing at the fuel tanks of my rocket
A guy in a superhero outfit chasing a 50,000 litre drum of ethanol
A tree chasing the guy in a superhero outfit chasing a 50,000 litre drum of ethanol
A guy who looked like Tarzan hiding behind a rock
A girl with blue feet hiding behind a guy who looked like Tarzan hiding behind a rock
and a drinks cabinet on wheels...

What the f**k was this? Superman's dysfunctional f**king family picnic?

I chased after the barrel of ethanol...
 
seeing that the outcast is not able to lift the barrel i pick up the alien guy and toss him too,

"save the booze!!!"
 
I tell the alien that we can't stop the barrel, but we still must save the booze inside.

We both stick a straw into each side of the barrel and start sucking the barrel empty before we hit the fire.

Will we manage? Who knows, but it feels damn good trying...
 
(Just as a side note, as far as I remember I am no longer Trazan, I started in the Excavation/Adventurer Business some pages ago, so can I at least look like Indiana Jones?)
 
Taking a break from tearing the space ship the pieces, I look out the hatch to see the outcast and alien tring to empty a 50.000 litre barrel of pure alcohold, true a straw not to mention. Hidding behind a rock away and safe from them flames was Tarzan and SexyBlue, looking at them it was clear the heat was getting on Tarzan's nerves as he was begining to build a 2nd personalty, the 1st Tarzan the 2nd Indianer Jones.
 
Which reminds me... is Invert Nexus still standing in the middle of the town square without a soul? Because I kinda placed him there some months ago.
 
(don't know, it depends on where he/others write him back in, if his still around the village)
 
Alcoli, the god of alcohol favours me and the alien. We manage to set a new record for sucking a barrel of ethanol dry with only a straw.

The alien says something to me...The rolling barrel makes so much noise I can't quite understand him...I ask him, 'WHAT???'

'Do you think having so much ethanol in us is dangerous?', he asked.

I tell him not to worry, I have been drunk before and am still alive.

'No, I am referring to the fire we are rapidly approaching...you think we will light up like a christmas tree once we hit it with all that alcohol in our bellies?' he stated.

We exchange a glance of panic and jump off....just in time...

We run to behind the rock and regurgitate all the excess ethanol into the drinks cabinet on wheels.

I look around and ask who this indiana jones is and what happened to tarzan. Apparently they are the same person. 'Not to worry Indie, you will always tarzan to me', I tell tarzan. He looks angry.

Hola, what is that...invert nexus comes out of the forest with a fire extinguisher and ...
 
"Souls for sale! Nice shiny new souls for sale. Trade in your old drab dreary soul and get a nice new clean soul. Hardly used. Just driven to church on Sundays. And maybe sometimes an afternoon in the park afterwards. Get your souls here! You, sir, you look like you could use a soul. Step right up and take your pick. Let me take that old, dingy one off your hands."

(Sorry, guys. I'm not coming back in. Just couldn't pass up the opportunity to get a few more souls under the belt. :D Any soul will do. Yours. Give it to me. Now.)
 
Me likes my soul(s), thanks, I do not have need for one I think, but if you have some decent philosophers left, then I would take one, or that of a scientist...

Anyway, seems like the danger is over again, Spurious and the newcomer did not explode and the fire is nearly completely extinguished, time for a drink I think.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top