Scivillage

I am kept very busy making Dry Martinis due to high demand. I am so concentrating on my job that once in a while I trip and spill the goods on the floor of the tunnel. Not to worry though. Every time a drink is spilled the walking tree rushes forward and soaks up all spills with his efficient roots. I pat him on his back and say every time: 'well done old chap!'.

The blanket with tiger feet is very thorough with exploring every inch inch of the tunnel. It swaggers back and forth accros the width of the tunnel. I tell it not to worry too much about being so thorough since Tarzan and the lady with sexy blue feet are not that small. Surely we would see them even if we stayed in the middle of the tunnel. But the blanket with tiger feet is a thorough chap and I poor him another drink.

The blanket with tigerfeet suddenly stops and starts investigating the floor of the tunnel up close. That takes about half an hour and it still hasn't moved an inch from the original spot. I tell the drinks cabinet on wheels and the wallking tree that the blanket is really a thorough chap. They nod in agreement.

The walking tree is getting a bit impatient though. He starts kicking the blanket in the side with a rather large root. We all think it is hilarious... I poor everyone another drink, spilling most. The tree is eager to soak it all up...

He then starts kicking the blanket with tiger feet again in the side. I tell him to stop and have another drink, but the walking tree is in a rage. He kicks so hard the blanket flies up...what the fuck???? A tiger was underneath the walking blanket with tigerfeet...What happened to the blanket with tigerfeet? The drinks cabinet on wheels suggest that the tiger probably ambushed the blanket with tigerfeet and ate it. We all think it is rather hilarious and start laughing sipping our dry martinis. Better make the tiger also a martini says the walking tree. I hear tigers like them...it is their favourite drink besides a bloody mary...And I mean a real bloody Mary...not the drink. My sister Mary got eaten once by a tiger.

And so we made the tiger a drink. The tree put the tiger in his branches and on we went, a hairless outcast in a boy wonder costume, a drinks cabinet on wheels, and a walking tree, with a stubby tiger in its branches.

Wonder what happened to tarzan and the lady with sexy blue feet.
 
I stumbled onwards, dragging the tarzan man with me, holding a stiff drink in the other hand. The blanket with the furry feet bouldered onwards, occationally hitting walls and whimpering. For some unknown reason, there's a tree following us. I was tempted to try and start a fire, but that suggestion was met with much shaking of branches and loss of leaves, so i left the slightly more distressed tree alone.
 
i have soaked up many artinis so far and i regained conciousness to find a tiger in my branches, what a party!!! i still have so idea where we are going but i go wherever the trolley goes
 
The trolley suddenly stopped. So did the walking tree who was eagerly eyeing the drinks cabinet on wheels. We had found the tarzan. Someone had tied him to sewer pipe and drawn a moustache underneath his nose with a permanent marker. We took a picture and laughed. We then noticed that the tarzan wasn't laughing with us. He looked rather angry.

Being the only female amongst us, the lady with the sexy blue feet, was the only person who could show some sympathy with the tarzan. She undied the wrope he was tied with to the sewer pipe and wiped his face with her handkerchief. We laughed at that because the moustache didn't want to be wiped away. After all it was created with a permanent marker.

We asked tarzan what had happened, but I was busy making some more Dry Martinis so I didn't quite catch what he said. Maybe the others heard, or he could tell it again???

The tiger purred from the top of the tree and pointed his claw towards the end of the tunnel. apparently he saw something.

I stared at the end of the tunnel, but unfortunately couldn't quite focus my eyes due to excessive consumption of Dry Martinis. I just hoped it was a toilet he spotted because all those martinis seemed to have gone straight to my bladder.
 
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I tried to clean tarzan up, but water didn't work, so i used the strongest alcohol i could find, which worked quiet good. Wrestling the alcohol away from the monkey was a bit of a struggle, but i succeeded!
The tiger started jumping up and down, looking at something at the end of the tunnel. Peering down there, i could make out something....no.....it couldn't be.......?????
Tarzan threw down another martini, and answered the question that both begged to be answered, and the answer that begged not to be questioned.
"It's Chris O'Donnal. He thinks he really IS Robin. And he thinks we're trying to take over the cave."
 
He was trying to hold up a bat-gun, the type that fired bat-shaped discs rather than bullets. But due to the now-empty and probably once full bottle of vodka in his hand, his aim was wobbly at the best of it.

"Getsh outta my cavesh, damnit! It's not good enough thatsh everyone eshes'dead, noooooooo, you gottash try and takesh over hish cave as well.....Well, it'sh not gonna happen...." to which he looked at the bottle, and passed out on the cave floor.
 
'Chris O'Donnal', I shouted, 'who the hell is that?'

The walking tree was a wise tree and had an answer ready to every question.

'Chris O'Donnal is a B-movie actor whose best part was a role of the gay sidekick of Batman, named Robin, or Boy wonder...you are wearing his costume'.

I was flabbergasted by the knowledge that poored out of the walking tree. He pushed an empty glass in my hands.

'Fill it up monkeyboy', it said.

'With please, Woody', I replied.

I was mixing the best Dry martini in my life when a batdisc hit my cocktail shaker and struck a huge hole in it.

I was enraged!! HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO MAKE DRY MARTINIS NOW???? Have you got no mercy....oh dear god of cocktails!....

I fell on my knees and looked up to the god of cocktail. That didn't diminish my rage at all. I ran towards Chris O'Donnal...the tiger got my cue. It jumped out of the tree and with a few graceful leaps it landed on Chris O'Donnal's unconscious body. We looked at each other and knew what foul thing had to be done. The tiger roared....me too...

and then we took out our permanent markers and started drawing moustaches, zits and funny comments all over Chris O'Donnal's body...

Then we took a picture and uploaded it on the internet.

haha...

The other members of the group stood by in shock. Apparently they were not used to having fun.

'WHAT?' I asked... and feigned innocence.

The tiger had thrown Chris O'Donnal up in the tree. He said that maybe later he would fancy a snack. Then he also jumped in the walking tree. The tree seemed happy about having so many guests up in his branches.

Then we walked on down the tunnel.

A lady with sexy blue feet, a tarzan lookalike, a hairless outcast in a boy wonder costume, a walking tree with an unconscious Chris O'Donnal and a hairless tiger up in its branches, and a drinks cabinet on wheels singing merry songs.
 
Chris O'Donald, sorry sweetheart.

Chris kept moaning" Keep the monstershs away.......We're all gonna die......the monshtershs are gonna eat ush.......gimmi a drink....."
To which the monkey hit him over the head with the broken shaker.
 
'The name is O'Donalds!', the cat food kept shouting from the top of the tree.

'Shut up McDonalds, your name is O'donnal', I replied, 'the walking tree of wisdom is never wrong.'

Drewl leaked from the corners of the tiger's mouth.

You need a miracle now boy wonder, i thought, if you want to escape now.
 
*the saddened tree of wisdom suddenly remembers a long forgotten memory*

"when i was just a seedling i was planted outside a window, a toilet window, one day a drunken husband returned home covered in cheap lipstick, carrying a shaker full of pina calata, his wife in a fit of rage poured the drink down the toilet and threw the shaker in aswell, it took her almost 10 flushes, but finally that poor shaker got sent on to a better place"

"maybe if we go into that pipe tarzan was tied to we will find the long flushed shaker, only when drunk will we be able to think of a brilliant escape plan"
 
I listend carefully to the wise words of the walking tree of wisdom. Soon I could not think of anything else but the lost cocktail shaker. I could see it right in front of me...golden...filled with a superb cocktail mix...only the finest ingredients...saliva formed in my mouth, until it had formed so much that I had to open my mouth to let it flow freely.

The tiger understood. He also had saliva flowing from his mouth...He had started to nibble on Cris Mcdonalds foot. That made Cris scream which i found repulsive, so I gagged him.

The tree asked for volunteers to go inside the sewer pipe...

'ME ME ME ME', I shouted with enthusiasm...
 
it is obvious a tree of my size will not be able to fit inside that pipe, one of you will have to do it
"mememememememe" shouts the hairless outcast,
"very well, but take mcdonalds with you, sewer alligators are going to eat something" i relpy in my infinite wisdom

*the hairless outcast heads off into the unknown, leaving the rast of us to lick the inside of the empty vodka bottle*

"godspeed"
 
I take ronny Mcdonalds with me into the sewer pipes.

'It is CRIS FUCKING O'DONNALD, for crying out loud', ronny mcdonalds shout.

The gag must have fallen out of his mouth. I put it back in.

The tiger can't bare to see his snack leave and follows us into the pipe. Soon we find a room with a large table. On it are displayed an assortment of coacktailshakers. I want to grab one, but a guy dressed as a bartender stops us.

'You only can pick one cocktail shaker', he says, 'If you pick "the shaker of life" you will live, pick the wrong one and you will be struck dead by the god of cocktails'.

The tiger groans. Apparently he finds the idea of a death before having his snack unappealing. I tell him not to worry. I have seen a movie once where indiana jones has to pick the holy grail out of a bunch of non-holy grails. It was really easy...the grail that looks like shit was the real one. So we just pick the shittiest cocktail shaker.

The tiger moans...he seems to think that you can't trust bartenders. Maybe the golden cocktailshaker with diamands is the real "shaker of life".

I ask the bartender if he can make us some dry martinis. He takes a shaker from the table and starts mixing.

HAHA..he fell for the oldest trick in the book. HAHa...we pick the shaker you just picked up...

The bartender seems upset. I tell the tiger to eat him, because I am in a good mood and I don't want it spoiled by having grumpy people around. The tiger is eager to oblige and I mix him a dry martini. Miraculously his fur grows back. WOW...that is quite some shaker I say...

The tiger starts licking his fur into proper condition and after he is done we head back.

When we exit the sewer pipe the tiger coughs up a hairball.

We all laugh...
 
now that we are able to mix coctails once again, it is time to come up with a plan that seems foolproof in our drunken state but once we sober up lying on a broken bike in a prickly hedge, realise was really stupid
 
more, who have told you people you could stop!, now post more so i can have a laugth here at work
 
as i drink a delicous dry shaken not stirred martini, my branches shoot up to the roof of the cave, they push a chunk of the cave roof several metres in the air, and opens up the ceiling, spurious climbs up me and has a look outside, "its a way out" he says, so now everyone is climbing thru my branches carelessly breaking twigs off(ow), once they are all out i do a backflip out of the hole in the ceiling, on my way out i knock everyone into a prickly hedge, once they wake up theyre gonna regret it
 
'Bloody hell, I shout, 'Where is the drinks cabinet on wheels?'

The tiger got out a notepad and started drawing a schematic on it with a pencil. He drew a drinkscabinet...then he drew wheels underneath it. Then a tree...then a monkey...then a monkey in the tree grasping branches with its arms and feet and its tail...Then he drew a drinks cabinet on wheels falling out of a tree.

'Allright', i said, 'the tiger lost it again'.

'No', the lady with sexy blue feet intervened, 'I think he is trying to tell us something.'

'That he wants to go to art school?', I asked politely, because my mother told me always to be polite towards women.

'Maybe he is trying to say that a drinks cabinet on wheels can't climb trees!', she said impatiently.

'Hold your horses lady, never heard so much nonsense in my life. Every drinks cabinet on wheels can climb trees. Have you ever met one that can't???', I told her.

'Well, I never met a drinks cabinet on wheels before, but...', she replied.

'Butts are there for whiping', I cleverly retorted, ' just look down in the hole and see for yourself.

We all looked down the hole. Below was the drinks cabinet on wheels looking up.

'See, he looks like he is scared shitless', i pointed out!

'What does a scared drinks cabinet on wheels look like?', she rapidly and with great hostility asked me!

'Just like what you have just seen', i replied.

Tarzan suggested that we get a rope and lower it down so that the drinks cabinet can tie himself to it. I asked how that is going to get him up here. Tarzan mentioned that we should then pull him up. I said that this was a ridiculous idea, but we would try it anyway, because I couldn't afford to lose another person in this party. If he would turn grumpy because he didn't get his way then I had to instruct the tiger to eat him again. In fact, the tiger was looking already expectantly at tarzan.

Where is the rope?

We all looked at each other. Nobody had a rope.

Great...
 
Uuuh looking at the Outcast, human make me gasious *fart, sniff* and deadly the tiger says, grining to the outcast and moves away from where it sad before.

Looking down the hole, I suggest we build a ramp of sorts on which the cabinet could role out on its own little wheels. Suggesting w make it of rocks and stuff I start to push a few small rocks down the hole, hitting dangerously close the cabinet and the only supply of boze for miles around.

Watching this, the outcast screams, you almost hit the poor little cabinet, stop it, and you need bigger rock anyway.
Aaaah bigger rocks i ponder before eyeing a huge boulder down the hill side, a boulder just waiting there, begging to be pushed down the hole, more then happy to serve its will I start to push it up the hill towards the hole.
But the Outcast eyes the eminent danger looming over the unsuspecting cabinet on wheels, trapped and waiting down the tunnel. Jumping across hole the outcast moves faster then light and quicky reaches the boulder, where he starts to push it down, for he alone seems must save the cabinet and its precious contains. This ofcause resulting in a pushing contents, Tiger vs. Outcast.

Mean While...
Tazan, The Handy handyman has his hands hard around an ambisious long looking leen rob, he just happen to have find in his back pocket, where he had not looked at first.
Tarzan and Sexyblue starts the chase the tree around, wanting to tieing the rob around it. But the tree thinking its some form of wierd sex game(which he has seen plenty of on Channel 3's on 3's) will have nothing to do with them and tries invain to escape.
 
The tiger is trying to push a huge boulder down into the hole. There it will surely smash the drinks cabinet on wheels, the only source of dry martinis in this part of the woods. This cannot be allowed to happen. I run towards the huge rock and start pushing it back. But who am I kidding. The tiger is the king of the jungle, a lean mean hunting machine. I am a professional outcast with a fondness of too much alcohol. I have to give up more and more terrain.

I slip and fall down. The tiger pushes the huge boulder straight over me. He says Hi when he steps over me and asks how I am doing. I said I am fine. Then gravity takes over and the boulder runs down the hill towards the hole.

GOOOOOD HAVE MERCY ON MY DRINKS CABINET I SCREAM!!!!!!!

The boulder slams into the whole with a loud bang.

HOOOOORAH...THE BOULDER WAS TO BIG TO FIT IN THE WHOLE!!!!

Now it is just blocking the whole. It had sunk half way in.

I start pushing the boulder and the others join in. Even the tiger. But we can't move it with raw human and tiger power alone.

I cry...

'my drinks cabinet!!!!'
 
Not being as intoxicated as Spurious I pick up anearby branch and try to wedge it under the boulder touse it as a lever. This seems to work,but obviously I am not heavy enough to do it alone, so I grab the outcast and stadn on my self-made lever with our combined weight, which is enough to get the rock out of the hole and sends it rolling down the hillside.
 
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