I suppose I should tell you why I wrote this book, well, it's like this. I was drifting from church to church looking for the right one. The true church. Unfortunately it seemed that none of them upheld the correct doctrines. My eternal soul is begging for salvation and there seemed no one was here to help me. I was very depressed. But I still read the Bible cover to cover, over and over. One day as I was reading through James and read the passage "If any man lacks wisdom let him ask God." I don't know why I hadn't noticed it before. I quickly ran to the woods and tripped over a log in my hurry. Since I was on my knees anyway at this point I decided this is where I should pray.
Dear God,
I am young and pretty ignorant according to most people. I've read your book and enjoy it greatly. Well lately it seems like none of the churches around here have the truth. Can you tell me which is the true church? It says here you'll give me wisdom if I ask. I want to know.
Amen.
There was a bright light that shined above my head as I finished my prayer. I tried to look up but was blinded. "Hello, I'm Jesus Christ." Came a voice, "You know you're right, these churches are all corrupt. Bunch of a apostates. You know they all came from that whore of Babylon. What do you expect?" "Wow, Jesus Christ, will you sign my book?" I asked eagerly. "That book is a waste of time. Do you really believe that after 2000 years, it has stayed the same?" Jesus then floated the book out of my hands and burned it in mid air. "Tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to help you right a new book. One that is not corrupt." "But who would believe it came from you?" "You ever seen a Tel-evangelist?" "Well, yeah." "You tell people 'Jesus said so' and most people will believe anything you have to say." "Oh. Neat."
"But wait, doesn't there need to be two or three witnesses?" "Kid you got me cornered. Meet my dad." Another light came down from the sky. I looked and say a man with a great white beard and a slightly off white rob. "Hi. This is Jesus, my kid, in who I am well pleased." I could only stare in amazement. "Do you have a name?" "Father." "Oh…neat." "I got work to do, call me if you need me." And the light went away. "Well, what about the Holy Ghost?" Jesus looked around quick and then pointed to a tree. In it was a dove. "He's the quiet type." A light shined down on the dove and apparently scared it. The bird flew into the street and got nailed by a semi truck. "Gasp." I could only stare. "Come on, we have work to do." "But…"
Over the next several months I listened to the doctrines of Jesus and wrote them down. Most of the time Jesus sat in the recliner watching PAX TV cursing everyone who said "Jesus said so." He also drank a lot of wine. I began to think he really was a wine-o. But I couldn't complain, he tells the best stories when he's drunk.
Within a year I was ready to tell the world. I titled the book, "What Jesus Really Said." I was horrified at the response. Everyone was calling me the apostate. I tried to tell them it was all true. I ran crying home and went up to Jesus as asked "I thought you said…" "Are you better than me? I tried to tell people myself and within three years I was nailed to a cross. Do you have any idea how much that stings?" "I understand…." "Go back out there and preach the good news. Soon they will see your strength in the face of adversity and they will begin to follow you."
Sure enough. After being hit by a few cars, tarred and feathered, shot a couple time, I got a following. And soon after that I was on TV. FOX gave me the spot. The show was titled "Who Wants to Listen to a Jesus Freak?" I was living large. I had fame, money and Jesus Christ living in my home.
Then one day I returned home to find only a note. "Tomorrow your life will be required of you. Just make sure you call it martyrdom. Jesus" "Christ…" Well I went to bed and prepared myself for the next day. I went into the studio and took my seat. The show went on and out of the audience came a shot. Hit me right in the chest. I knew it was over but I would go to hell rather than not take my revenge on my killer. I spotted him in the audience and pulled out my gun from my desk and shot him in the head. "I have been slain as a lamb at the slaughter!" I died a happy man.
As I stood before the pearly gates I saw Jesus walk over. "Hey, how's it going?" I asked. "Going great! Thanks to your martyrdom I've got claims on millions of souls. Come with me!" He took my hand and walked me away from the gates. "Wait a second…shouldn't I be going through the gates?" "I know another way in." He responded. Well I knew that teaching. As sure enough there I was. Sitting in hell watching Tel-evangelists for all eternity on PAX TV. Jesus turned into his true form and sat down in his chair and began drinking wine and pointing out which were quotes from him. "You know, you say you're Jesus Christ and people will believe anything you tell them."
So that is why I am writing this book. Because just reading the Bible is not a substitute for understanding it. Because just blindly following those you trust is not a wise thing to do. I want to write a book that makes you think about what you believe and why. I don't expect anyone to agree with everything contained in "The Book of Ben" but I would hope everyone who reads it will take the time to consider what it says and take the time to evaluate it by the scriptures to see what they really say.
Sir Loone? your name fits!, you I can see are a lost puppy bible thumper from the south eh?