Jokes and Funny Stories II

StrangerInAStrangeLa said:
A woman is going to Italy on business. Just before boarding her airplane, she asked her husband what he'd like her to bring back for him.
He answered "An Italian girl".
When she returned, he asked whether she brought back what he asked for.
"Well, I did what I could. In 9 months, we'll see whether it's a girl.".
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A college kid gets a letter from home: "Here's a cheque to help out with some of the extras. And since you're doing so well, we're going to send you abroad fro the summer."

He replies: "Thanks for the cash but I can get my own broads."
 
"Lisa. Lisa. Why are you so upset?"
"Because I AM Christine!!!".

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It is better to have loved & lost than to never have lost at all.

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"Go ahead. Don't be shy. Ask me out."
"OK, go out.

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"I think I could make you very happy."
"Oh! Are you leaving?".

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"Lady, has anyone asked you to dance?"
"No, I'm free."
"Then will you hold my beer?".

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Boyfriend - "Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?"
Girlfriend - "Oh yes but what will you do for money?".

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Husband "If I die, will you marry again?"
Wife "Oh no. I will live with my sister. If I die, will you marry again?"
Husband "No. I will live with your sister.".

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12 year old boy to 66 year old man "Well, I didn't believe in reincarnation when I was your age either.".

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"God, is it true that a billion years is like a second to you?"
"Yes."
"God, is it true that a billion dollars is like a penny to you?"
"Yes."
"God, will you give me a penny?"
"Yes. In a second.".

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Pessimist "It couldn't get any worse!"
Optimist "Yes, it can."

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My sister bet $100 I could not make a car out of macaroni.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

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What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish

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A magician was driving down the street. Then he turned into a driveway.

You're beautiful & I love you, I shouted from the edge of a cliff. My echo said I just want to be friends.

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Being clean & sober means I've showered & heading to the pub.

I applied for a job & they asked for 3 references. I wrote "Dictionary, Encyclopedia, Thesaurus".

I was excited when my husband joined a cross country team. Then I learned they do not cross the country & they return in a few hours.

My wife said "Sex on holiday is best". I tore up that postcard.

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True story here in Darwin

One of our cemeteries is going broke because no-one is dieing to go there

It appears other cemeteries have better attractions

Go figure

I can't

:)
 
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

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I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

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At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying is also normal for my age.

I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!".

Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Makeup tip: You're not in the circus.

I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I'm walking away from talking to someone they say "What an ass!".

Telling someone to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

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100 years ago when you left the house

you would kiss your wife goodbye

Today when you leave your wife

you kiss your house goodbye

QI

:)
 
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