A bible story ...
An X Rated King Solomon For Kids
It always facinates me to leaf through the myriad volumes of Bible stories for children that populate every bookstore. The familiar fable King Solomon's wisdom invariably appears in each and every collection, but the severly sanitized adaptation bears very little resemblance to the original text as found in 1 Kings 3:16-28. In the very unlikely event that I might decide to write an X-Rated Bibles Stories for Children some day, here is how the popular parable might unfold:
King Solomon and the Little Bastard
Once upon a time, there was a very wise man, King Solomon. The king was very rich. In fact, he had so much money that he married 700 wives and he also had 300 concubines. A concubine was a women who lived with a man without being married to him. Today, if a man and a women live together without being married, we say that they are living in sin because they are guilty of fornication. Fornication is having sex with someone you are not married to, but God doesn't want us to do that anymore.
Also, today, if you have more then one wife or husband, you are called a bigamist and bigamy is again the law. And of course, if your daddy cheats on my mommy and has a secret girlfriend, or if your mommy cheats on your daddy and has a secret boyfriend, that is called adultry, and God doesn't want us to do that either. The bible tells us that if people commit adultry, we should throw stones at them and kill them because God thinks it is much better to murder someone than to commit adultry.
Now, in Solomon's day, it was OK to have as many wives as you could afford to support because that was the time of the Old Dispensation which was God's plan A for the world. But today, we are living under the New Dispensation which is also know as God's plan B.
One day, two prostitutes came to see King Solomon. A prostitute is a women who sells her body for sex, and God never want us to do that. These two women brought a baby boy with them who was illegitimate. This means that no one knew for sure who the father for the child was. Since these two prostitutes had sex with so many different men, they could never know for sure which one of those men made them pregnant. Being pregnant means that their belly swelled up and got very big with a baby developing inside.
But this little bastard (another word for a child who's parents never got married) had a double problem. Not only was their doubt about who his father was, there also some doubt as to which of the two prostitutes was his mother.
One of the whores (another word for a prostitute) explained to the king that she and the other whore lived together in the same house. The first prostitute had a baby just three days before the other one also gave birth. But the second whore's baby dies one night when she accidently rolled over on it while asleep and smothered it to death. Then she got up and stole the baby from the other mother while she was sound asleep and put the corpse of her dead son in place of the living child.
When the first mother awoke and was ready to nurse her son with the milk from her breast, she realized that the dead infant was not hers and she accused the other whore of kidnapping (child stealing).
As the two prostitutes argued back and forth before King Solomon, each one claimed to be the real mother of the little bastard. The king asked for a sword because he was going to cut the living child in two pieces and give one half to each of them. The women who cried out and begged him not to do that, turned out to be the real mother.
When the people heard about Solomon's decision for the two prostitutes and their little bastard, they soon realized what a really wise king they had.
Now boys and girls, wasn't that a wonderful story?
Source: The X-Rated Bible: An Irreverent Survey of Sex in the Sciptures by Ben Edward Akerley
An X Rated King Solomon For Kids
It always facinates me to leaf through the myriad volumes of Bible stories for children that populate every bookstore. The familiar fable King Solomon's wisdom invariably appears in each and every collection, but the severly sanitized adaptation bears very little resemblance to the original text as found in 1 Kings 3:16-28. In the very unlikely event that I might decide to write an X-Rated Bibles Stories for Children some day, here is how the popular parable might unfold:
King Solomon and the Little Bastard
Once upon a time, there was a very wise man, King Solomon. The king was very rich. In fact, he had so much money that he married 700 wives and he also had 300 concubines. A concubine was a women who lived with a man without being married to him. Today, if a man and a women live together without being married, we say that they are living in sin because they are guilty of fornication. Fornication is having sex with someone you are not married to, but God doesn't want us to do that anymore.
Also, today, if you have more then one wife or husband, you are called a bigamist and bigamy is again the law. And of course, if your daddy cheats on my mommy and has a secret girlfriend, or if your mommy cheats on your daddy and has a secret boyfriend, that is called adultry, and God doesn't want us to do that either. The bible tells us that if people commit adultry, we should throw stones at them and kill them because God thinks it is much better to murder someone than to commit adultry.
Now, in Solomon's day, it was OK to have as many wives as you could afford to support because that was the time of the Old Dispensation which was God's plan A for the world. But today, we are living under the New Dispensation which is also know as God's plan B.
One day, two prostitutes came to see King Solomon. A prostitute is a women who sells her body for sex, and God never want us to do that. These two women brought a baby boy with them who was illegitimate. This means that no one knew for sure who the father for the child was. Since these two prostitutes had sex with so many different men, they could never know for sure which one of those men made them pregnant. Being pregnant means that their belly swelled up and got very big with a baby developing inside.
But this little bastard (another word for a child who's parents never got married) had a double problem. Not only was their doubt about who his father was, there also some doubt as to which of the two prostitutes was his mother.
One of the whores (another word for a prostitute) explained to the king that she and the other whore lived together in the same house. The first prostitute had a baby just three days before the other one also gave birth. But the second whore's baby dies one night when she accidently rolled over on it while asleep and smothered it to death. Then she got up and stole the baby from the other mother while she was sound asleep and put the corpse of her dead son in place of the living child.
When the first mother awoke and was ready to nurse her son with the milk from her breast, she realized that the dead infant was not hers and she accused the other whore of kidnapping (child stealing).
As the two prostitutes argued back and forth before King Solomon, each one claimed to be the real mother of the little bastard. The king asked for a sword because he was going to cut the living child in two pieces and give one half to each of them. The women who cried out and begged him not to do that, turned out to be the real mother.
When the people heard about Solomon's decision for the two prostitutes and their little bastard, they soon realized what a really wise king they had.
Now boys and girls, wasn't that a wonderful story?
Source: The X-Rated Bible: An Irreverent Survey of Sex in the Sciptures by Ben Edward Akerley
