The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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How do you make a pheromone?

Kick him in the bollocks and tell him he's an arrogant twat.


How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They just stand and hold it as the whole world revolves around them.

What is the superfluous, flapping, waste of skin around a penis?

A man.

There's two main ways to damage a man's fragile ego. Firstly tell him his IQ is tiny, then tell him his dick is even smaller.
 
a man was out with his girlfreind, when he decided to park the car, and when they stoped, he leant over to her and put his hand under her blouse, so she stormed out of the car and walked home, when she got back home she worte in her diary, see, a girls best friend are her own two legs, anyway she met up with him again the following night, and again he decided to park, this time though he slid his hand up her dress, well, and again she stormed out of the car and when she got back home, she wrote in her diary, "see a girls best friend are her own two legs", so the following night again her boyfriend decided to park, but this time he decided to kiss her gently and rub her legs, but this time she didnt storm out of the car she stayed there, so when she got home she wrote in her diary "there comes a time when even the best of freinds must part"
 
Reebok have designed a new set of womens lycra running shorts , they are called "mumbles " , cos you can see the lips move bt can't here what the cunts saying!
 
Father Duffy walks into the convent kitchen and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He is overcome with lust and desire and pushes her to the ground, as he is shagging her , the reverend mother comes in , "sister Rose", she roars , "have some respect, arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet stone floor "
 
How do you know your teacher is a paedo?

Your homework comes back and HE'S drawn a cock on it.
 
I'm all for total disarmament of mankind.

Of course, that's only the beginning.

Next it'll be his fucking head.
 
EmmZ said:
How do you make a pheromone?

Kick him in the bollocks and tell him he's an arrogant twat.


How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They just stand and hold it as the whole world revolves around them.

What is the superfluous, flapping, waste of skin around a penis?

A man.

There's two main ways to damage a man's fragile ego. Firstly tell him his IQ is tiny, then tell him his dick is even smaller.
Click to expand...

i found out why no one can please a women... cos no man has a cock made of chocolate which ejaculates money
 
Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman in a playground

Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?
A. A golf club.

Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs all taste like shit!
 
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
 
EmmZ said:
How do you make a pheromone?

Kick him in the bollocks and tell him he's an arrogant twat.


How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They just stand and hold it as the whole world revolves around them.

What is the superfluous, flapping, waste of skin around a penis?

A man.

There's two main ways to damage a man's fragile ego. Firstly tell him his IQ is tiny, then tell him his dick is even smaller.
Click to expand...

lucifers angel said:
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
Click to expand...

oh lawd mum that was just weak.

So, a daughter in the cellar, and an axe murder in the closet.


I can't help but feel the Austrians are taking the game of Cluedo a little too seriously.
 
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ?5" he says.
"?5 !! Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ?10" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"?50" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"?100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and ?100 would be very handy...."Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god'?"
While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get ?100 ?"
 
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What's the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"
 
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He was getting into everybody's hair.
 
what do you call a women with 2 black eyes? nothing you already told the bitch twice.
what do you call a women with 1 black eye? A fast learner
 
Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner??
A: Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
 
There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."
 
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