story time!!!!

A huge thunder rippled through the air. After the initial shock the eyes of the people started to move towards the origin of the shockwaves. A huge fireball and an enormous mushroom cloud of black smoke could be seen at the location where once the shuttle had been standing.

Despair had first entered the faces of the people, gradually making place with anger. Those furry motherfuckers, what the hell are they thinking. Blowing up our only hope. The situation turned explosive. The people were on the edge and someone had to pay for all this build up frustration. They grabbed anything that remotely could be used as a weapon and moved towards the enemy approaching.

I decided to save my own skin. This was not my war. I had more important things to do. I had come here for my personal revenge. Someone had wanted me dead and that person was going to die, one way or the other.

I moved away from the approaching confrontation crawling without much dignity through the thick shrubs.
 
My mother always told me to look where I crawl. I didn't, until I bumped into a hairy tree trunk. Well, it wasn't a tree actually, it was a furry leg with a smelly foot attached to it. I heard an alien grunt from above. This meant trouble.

I took my lasergun and shoved it hard into the aliens crotch. I expected him to go through excruciating pains but nothing could be further from the truth. He just stood there and started moving the pointy end of his lasergun towards my face. That was not good I decided.

I fell back to my lumbering neanderthalman instincts. I grabbed his leg and sank my teeth into what appeared to be a vital tendon. That seemed to have the desired effect. The alien started screaming and foaming from the mouth swinging his arms in a rather chaotic manner. His gun flew away in some bushes.
I sank my teeth even deeper, despite the disgusting taste of alien meat. It actually tasted like a fresh newspaper after sucking it for an hour with a hint of toilet cleaner.
 
Ha ha... good one.

I had somehow passed out when i ate an extra juicy chocolate bar. What was in that bar i began to wonder. Would everyone else on this planet suffer my fate???
 
I took out my knife, and sliced the Alien up. Then, I ran away as fast as I could. While I was running, I fell into this hole. It was some sort of underground cavern. It was pretty dark, so I pulled out my PCU, and pressed a code into it. The bulb on the top turned on, and lit up the entire area. The tunnel went pretty far straight ahead.

I entered a room with a huge round device on it. I didn't recognize it. It must have been some kind of alien artifact. I saw the buttons, and was able to make out the Alien symbols. I used the controls to turn it on. Apparently, it was some sort of transportation device. Suddenly, I heard a noise behind me.

I turned around, and pointed my gun. It was Capri.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I was following you," she said. "Then I fell into the hole."
"I found this transportation portal," I told her. "It's our only chance for escape."
"We must tell the rest of the people about this," she said.
"Screw them!" I exclaimed. "First of all, It's not our fault that they're dumb enough to take on the Aliens with no fire power. Second, there is no way out of here. We can't climb out of that hole that we fell through so even if we wanted to tell them, we can't."
"So what would YOU like to do?" she asked.
"I'm going to input the coordinates to Earth on this machine. Then the both of us are going to jump through."
"OK," she said. "Lets do it."

Using the interface of the device, I inputted the coordinates to my cousin's apartment on Earth. Afterwards, the both of us jumped through the portal. After the ride, we both landed on top of each other in my cousin's living room. The only problem was, my cousin no longer lived there. It was a Nazi cracker. He ran to his cabinet, and reached for his gun. Before he could take aim, my knife was in his eye. . .
 
I pulled my knife out and to my surprise a wooden eye was attached to the tip of it.

"Give me my fucking eye back", yelled the Nazi, "it belonged to my grandfather. He got it after his eye was taken out by shrapnel at the Ostfront".

Capri kicked him in the nuts as only women can do; with dedication and unlimited force. I cringed myself. The nazi turned white in the face and a flood of snot started streaming from his nose as he crashed into the floor.

"let's go", Capri shouted. My own balls were still in shock after witnessing this terrible act of cruelty and I wobbled after her.

I later learned that our dear nazi would remain childless for the rest of his life. That was ok, he was himself a firm believer in eugenics after all.
 
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"Where the fuck are we going Capri!!!", I shouted. She didn't pay any attention. She just kept dragging me along. She smashed the window of a parked car to open the door. The pushed me into the back and activated the car with a quite illegal program on her PCU. I need to get a copy of that, i thought fondly, until reality hit me again.
"Where the flying fuck are we going!"
The only reply I got back was a course, "shut up".
Something was wrong here. We took an exit, but I couldn't see which, because I was in the back seat. Then it hit me. We were heading straight for the headquarters of Sciforums Inc. What the fuck was this?
My eye fell on a scratch on Capri's neck. It was not bleeding. Something silver was lurking beneath it. It was not capri, it was a fucking android. How I hated androids.
I took my lasergun and pointed it at the back of her head and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. Capri laughed. The bitch had disarmed it when I wasn't paying attention.
I rammed the tip of the lasergun into the back of her head. Sparks flew out of her head. She stopped laughing...she also stopped steering! Oh shit. I hit myself on the head. I am so stupid sometimes.
The car crashed into a concrete wall. The wall didn't budge. The car crumbled. I cried in agony. The world turned black.
 
I woke up in a Canadian hospital.
"Get me out of here!"

I took the IV out of my arms, grabbed my belongings, stuffed them in a pillowcase, and ran out the back door. saw a parked ambulance so I jumped in the drivers seat. The keys were still there.
"Ya baby!"
I started her up, and put the pedal to the meddle!
I heard a strange sound, and somebody screamed. I looked back, and realized the back door was open. As I sped off, some old lady in a stretcher flew out of the ambulance. I hit the brakes hard, and the doors shut. I turned on my siren, and made off as fast as I could.
I drove down to the space center in Florida. They were launching a shuttle today. I used my PCU to crack all the door codes so that I could get deep into the space center unoticed. As soon as I got through, I snuck onto the shuttle. I hid in one of the caibets for a few hours. Finally they launched. It was going to the moon, but I needed to get to Mars. They have an underground city full of hot Capris.

As soon as we were in space on a steady course, I busted out of the cabinet. I couldn't take it anymore. There were about six astronauts.
They said, "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Die space cracker!" I yelled as I pulled out my knife.
One by one, I chopped them up. I took the controls, and changed the shuttle's path toward Mars. On the way they, I kept getting lost. Fortunately, the storage was filled with tons of food that was supposed to be for the lunar colony. Eight years later, I finally made it to Mars. I parked the shuttle by the entrance to the underground city, and put on a space suit.

I used my PCU to contact the person watching the gate. He opened it for me, and I went into a room. The gate closed, and the room filled up with air. I took off my space suit, and the door to the other side opened. I walked through to find myself overlooking the underground city. . .
 
The underground city was completely destroyed. Instead of thousands of people being present on the central square I only saw a handful of people, looking like animals, scattering away after noticing me. I couldn't help thinking that I had been quite unlucky lately. What the hell had happened here.

I found the nearest bum and put my knife on his throat demanding an explanation. He was not coherent at all. He was mumbling something about the 'great war'. What a bullshit. I slit his throat. His blood sprayed all over me. FUCK. Now I had to get clean clothes.

Of course, there was nothing that even faintly looked like a department store in this area. There was only chaos and mayhem. I just wiped my face. My face was still halfcovered in blood as I could see from a piece of dirty glass. It wouldn't go away. I was blending in quite nicely with the locals now. They didn't seem to be overtly worried anymore.

I continued to walk towards the 'little china' district. There were always answers there.
 
Stangely enough the chinese district seemed to be unaffected by the mayhem that destroyed the other areas. Maybe it was because this district always had looked like a bomb had dropped on it.

I went into one of the little shops and showed them my green dragon Tattoo. A previously hidden door opened and I entered. A modern array of SpaceNet linked computers were arranged in an extremely tiny but remarkably clean room. I sat behind a console and surfed the World Events & Politics forum.

There had been a war on Mars. In fact there had been a war throughout human colonized space. The conflict started with local clashes with the aliens, but strangely enough they disappeared. The industry was now on a warfooting and someone had decided that this should not go to waste. It started apparently with the assasination of the Queen of holland. This outraged the dutch merchant fleets. They hit back at the Belgiums. They retaliated against the French. Soon the germans had entered the scene searching for more 'lebensraum'. A few weeks later the Universe seemed to be one big videogame with bright laser trails and furious explosions.

Insanity had gripped the world.

It ended as suddenly as it had begun. No winners, only losers. My brain felt uncomfortable as I scanned through the news stories. There was a common element to all of these stories. Something didn't make quite sense. Of course, war never makes sense, but this one seemed particular pointless and vicious. And somehow all of this seemed to be connected to little me.

I was the link, but I couldn't figure out why. Well, not yet.
 
i had to get back to earth.
as i stumbled through the rubble of the once great martian city a dirty little bum grabbed my leg and started beging for food, needles to say i killed him in some fasion.
as i signaled for the hatch to open i got a mesage on my cpu from the man opurating the gate. it was mostly static and screaming, probably trying to send me a clip from a porno or somthin, damn martian perverts.
when i finaly got outside i was greeted by a larg armoda of aliens in every direction.
"atlast. we have you!" a large one said. "now we can extract your DNA and complete our super cheese- er.. i mean... super soldiar"
what the fuck!? my dna, super soldier, cheese?!
 
That’s when it hit me. It’s how I was the reason for the whole war. I finally realized that it was I who jacked the shuttle that was to deliver all that food and water to the lunar colony. People were angry about it, and caused war to erupt. Now these scummy Aliens have nobody else decent to extract DNA from except for me and those Martian Chinese foreigners. And who wants Chinese Martian DNA? I was the Aliens only hope. I dived back into the hatch, and shut it. I made my way to the transport district, and found a nice fission jet. I jumped in, and took off through the garage. A gate opened up to let me out. The Aliens were all on the other side. Now would be my chance to pull a sneak attack. I flew behind their fleet, and started picking off their crafts one by one. After I took them out, I headed towards the great mother ship. I attempted to blast it, but the shields were to strong. I had to use my special nuke beam. I swerved off, and turned around. I headed straight at it dodging all of the turrets shooting at me. A soon I was near, I dropped the nuke beam. Then I sped away. The entire thing blew to pieces.

This jet had a tachyon drive on it. I set the coordinates for the Alien planet to rescue my friends from imminent slavery. The jet jumped to tachyon, and before I knew it, I was across the galaxy. Only I wasn’t anywhere near the Alien’s home planet. I must have dialed the wrong coordinates because I was in the Idol zone. There was a planet nearby with a broad fields, and lush forests. I flew to the planet, and landed on a green pasture. The skies here were blue just like earth. As soon as I jumped out of the jet, two Idols came down from the sky greet me. The Idols were huge beings with almost plastic like skin and almost metallic like clothes. They were about five times my size with the same human proportions. Unlike humans though, they were able to fly, and go into outer space without any space suit.

“Greetings human,” one of them told me. “The prophets have foretold of your coming. You are to be our savior that shall defeat the Dark Sinister once and for all.”
“Who the blazes is Dark Sinister?” I asked. “All I wanted to do was hang out, and visit the sites before I depart to the Alien planet.”
“You must follow us,” said one of the Idols. “Come.”
“I’m coming. I’m coming,” I said.

I got in my jet, and the Idols flew off. I followed them closely for about ten minutes over the grassy hills until we arrived at a golden metallic tower. . .
 
I followed the Idols into the gold metallic tower, which looked remarkably like a gigantic golden dildo. Inside I found many Idols occupied in devious sex acts. I didn't have my breakfast yet, and felt a bit queezy.
My guides walked towards the central altar and one of them exchanged some words with the priest behind it in a language I didn't understand. The translator on my PCU came up with nothing more than: "Huge...bleep... ass...dildo...behind...rotten meat...cadaver...bleep...bleep...hahaha...crotch...milk...the...little...one....for...his..sperm...bleep..."
Wait a sec, milk the little one for his sperm? Was that what they were saying. I was to be their stud, they needed me for basically the same reason as the frikking aliens? Well, they didn't really know me then.

I took my lasergun and shot at the base of the pilar standing behind the priest. It came crashing down on the priest. His last words were, "but we wanted to give you the most powerful spaceship in the universe so you could save the human species!"

I guess translator software never progressed much since the year 2000. Although I made an honest mistake the idols for some reason seem to be pissed at me. They made threatening rumbling noises with their huge ugly mouths. I could not stand the sight. I blasted each oral cavity with pompous lips away with my lasergun. The stench of fried meat filled the golden Fallus symbol.

My lasergun stopped firing. It was empty. I guess I had been using it quite intensively lately. However, there were still quite some idols remaining. They looked none too pleased with this mayhem. I decided that running like greased lightning would be the thing to do now.

But what chance do you have on foot against giant humanoids that can fly? Well, fortunately my spaceship was nearby. I entered it, powered up my phaserbanks, and started zapping the Idols out of the sky like dirty little mosquitos. Take that you fuckers.

Soon there was nothing in the air but pillowing black smoke and a fine red mist consisting of blood and evaporated tissue.

Instead of feeling good, i was overwhelmed by the notion that I hadn't always been this violent. Sure I was a trained killer, but I had always been in control. I ran the recent events back in my head. I had been killing indiscriminately for quite some time now. That was not right.

I left the Idol planet and parked my ship at a safe distance. I ordered a full bodyscan from the medical unit. And there it was. A tiny implant in my scull. The medical unit removed it in an instant and I studied the markings on the implant.

It said "Microsoft".
 
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I was bored. I put the entire story here

maybe culthu or a moderator could put the link in the first post. I will try to keep it updated (once in a while).
 
Gates!
It was Gates that was behind everything after all. I jumped to tachyon to get to Earth to find this loser. This stupid thing must have been broken as I ended up in the vicinity of Dark Sinister’s Presid Empire. Although Dark Sinister was human, he took over the Presid’s, a race of human sized insectoid monsters that buzz around in deep space. A swarm of them surrounded my jet as I arrived. They forced the jet towards the Presid asteroid belt. Eventually, we landed on one of the colonies. I almost blasted the hell out of them, but fortunately, the chip was no longer in my skull. In fact, I was now unable to kill anybody even if I wanted to.

The Presids tore open my jet. I was lunch for sure. But instead, they brought me to a human base. I was greeted by one of the officers. He told me that the Preisds were thankful that I attacked the Idols. I was a hero. . .
 
They gave me a big shiny medal and a piece paper which said; 'for his heroic deeds against the EVIL Idols.'

I felt quite uncomfortable about the whole matter. I didn't mean to kill the Idols and I never liked bugs. The Presids creeped me out. I couldn't really tell this to any of the humans. They were acting weirdly, almost like they were drugged. I decided that this was not the place for me. Unfortunately they wouldn't let me return to my spaceship. I asked them many times to return me there, but the humans ignored this request. I felt a prisoner again. My Microsoft implant was removed from my head, but my brain wasn't.

I waited until nightfall to sneak out of my room. There were guards, well 2 idiots staning in front of my door. I used the garbage disposal system. I opened the lid and climbed in. Immediately I lost my grip and started falling down the garbage tube. It was a mess. I tried to kling on, but there was nothing but smooth walls and stinking garbage. I threw up, but the vomit just richoched from the wall into my face. I passed out momentarily until the garbage tube ended and I hit water.

Well, water was an euphenism of course. It was a sewer system after all. The rats scattered. But then their curious nature brought them back. They were no ordinary rats. They were fucking Green Turd Mutant Rats! The ones that snatch babies from their cradles and attack old ladies in their homes! I was so fucked. They looked teriibly hungry and dinner had just arrived. I only had my knife and my wits.
 
I tried to stab at them, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Without that chip in my head, I was incapable of any form of violence. I ran away screaming, and came to a manhole. I climbed out, and closed the lid. Breathing heavily I pulled the implant chip out of my pocket. I snapped it in half, and threw out one of the pieces. Then I swallowed the other piece. Tasty! I could feel the wrath coming into me, but it wasn’t an urge to kill randomly. I decided to test it out. I jumped back down into the sewer, and searched for the rats. Suddenly, one of them jumped at me from behind. I quickly turned around, and chopped the rat’s head off. I was definitely back in action. I saw a few more rats come at me, and proceeded to hold them off with my knife. Finally, I climbed back out of the manhole.

As I got out, I saw a few men wearing what looked like dresses. They told me that some of the people are working on building me a new jet since the Presids tore the hell out of the one I arrived in. I proceeded back to my room, and saw some commotion. According to one of the bystanders, Dark Sinister himself would be arriving tomorrow to greet me . . .
 
In the morning two men in dresses arrived to escort me to the 'dark sinister.' Halfway along I asked if I could go to the toilet. We have now time they they replied worryingly. I started squirming and pretending the dam was about the burst. They finally agreed. They watched me from behind in front of the urinal.
'Please guys, turn around, I can't pee if someone is watching me, give me a break.
!'
They complied. I turned around quickly spraying them with golden liquid and giving them a karate chop in the neck. They both went down. I stood there watching them contently until I noticed that I was still peeing on them. I turned around and finished the job.

I now was heading for the spaceport. I would find a suitable ship, preferably a warship armed with some doomsday weapons and I would get the hell out of here and pay a visit to microsoft headquarters.
 
When I got to the spaceport, I found something very interesting. To my surprise, there were nothing but warships armed with lots of doomsday weaponry. I gave thanks and praise to Jesus the father in heaven. I jumped into a ship, and took off. . .
 
I had put a remote radiocontrol in all the other 133 warship and now I was the master of an armada. It took me a few days to set up my armada to my specifications, but then typed in the coordinates for earth in my autopilot. I set back and relaxed, thinking over the recent events that put me in this situation. I was thinking about the real Capri and wondering if she was still alive somewhere. I was wondering what Microsoft had wanted from me. I was not going to stop and ask them though. They had crossed the final line, and it was time to put a stop to it.
 
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