story time!!!!

I recalled a technique I had learned from David Copperfield, and began to slip out of the restraints. I noticed a camera was monitoring me from the north west corner of the room (or maybe it was the south east, since I didn't have a compass.) Now for the door, I would need to remember the skills that monk from Tibet who lives in the moutains taught me. I concentrated for several seconds and I could hear the alarms sounding and the foot steps getting closer to the steel door.

HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I hit the door with all of my force.
I pulled back to see that my hands was now shattered completely and my knuckles were a bloody mess. My whole right arm was completely broken. So much for that idea, I guess I wasn't that patient in my martial arts after all.

The door slammed open and several armored doctors came in with tazers and clubs. They grabbed me around my arms and applied brutal electric shocks. They pushed my face down to the floor and injected me with something. I then drifted off into another dream....

When I awoke I was in the restraints again.
 
Dude, I think your spelling and grammer has improved since the last time I've read one of your posts. Congratulations, you're evolving into a shmuck
 
and who exactly were you refering to apendrapew?

back to the story....

as i lied there held by the soft leather restraints i noticed how nice they felt as they rubbed against my callused skin... it felt so good that before long i had lost a load of jizz in my underwear.
the camera in the corner, or rather whoever was viewing me through it, must have seen me doing this for i heard "yo, stop jacking off with those! they cost us 20$ a piece for that corinthian leather and we dont need you getin your happy juice all over em!" over some loud speakers.
so i stopped and fell into a post-orgasmic slumber...
but before long i was awoken by the sound of dozens of razor sharp teeth. i opend my eyes, though it did little good as the lights were out and all i could see were flashing glimpses of beedy red eyes around me.... beedy... red... eyes... RATS! its the rats! they must have been atracted to the smell of my fermeanting semen! as they sniffed about for the source of the odor i worried they might try to gnaw off my testicals, but i then realised the voice on the loud speaker had been corect and i had indeed ruind theyr fine corinthian leather straps by geting my sperm on them. this was definetly my good fortune as these rodent comrades of mine were now bussily chewing through those very straps, and not my crotch!
 
The strap around my crotch had been gnawed through by my tiny liberators. That didn't improve the situation much. The other straps were still intact. My semen had failed to land on them. I remembered that I once was an Elvis impersonator in Vegas and started gyrating my hips vigorously.

Oh yes baby...the vibrations caused a resonance in the remaining straps. They snapped simultanously. I looked around. The rats had jumped off my body when I started my sensual act of musical art. They had gathered around me in a broad circle to watch my performance. They would probably have applauded if rat culture ever had evolved the cultural phenomenon of applause. They hadn't.
I looked at my hand. It was still severly damaged with lumps of fingers and flesh dangling from it. I picked some pieces of meat from it and threw them towards the rats. They gratefully jumped on them and ran home with their prices.

I would grow a new arm when I would get home. Or get one of those cool prostethics.

But still I had to get out of here. I looked at the camera. They must have seen the escape. I must act quickly. I decided not to try to use my absent martial skills on the door again. Instead I pushed against it. Nothing. I then pulled it....it opened.

I hit myself with my bloody stump on the head. You idiot!
 
As i ran out of the chamber several armed guards tried to stop my escape, i yelled at them "i just want to be left alone" as i did my head started to swim my vision became fuzy then a sharp pain in my head increased, i screamed in pain, the guards infront of me were disintergrated via my mental outburst. I did not question this i just struggled on for freedom with my band of merry rats following me.
 
..'Jesus, God man.' I thought.
Or so I believed.
I had taken a right after the long corridor along which 9 more guards, and 3 military doctors had ceased to be, and it was about this time that I regained an interest in the present.
Opening my teeth-clenchingly sore eyes fully I found myself at the beginning of a seemingly endless tunnel of headache-inducing, electricly glowing white surfaces.
Entrances to other corridors broke the walls every few metres.
I was confused to notice a silence, other than the humm of these damn walls, but not particularly shocked to realise that the rats had gone.
I moaned with frustration and looked down at my arm.
I almost vomited with discomfort as it appeared intact.
'FUCKING POODLE SCUM!'.

I drooled a little.

I began shivering.
That, or I noticed it for the first time.
I staggered over to the nearest side-entrance, my limbs numbing and my vision blurred. It was a balcony, overlooking ...

'whhh... .'
I felt extreme vertigo.
'This is no asylum...'
...
 
So I thought, 'I am really that fucking insane?" Suddenly I felt a butt itch and started to scratch my ass, then I felt a crotch itch and started to scratch that too, then I felt my dick, my armit, my ears,...everywhere itching, and itching. Fuck! What is this mess? Ants? Eek. Ack. Crap. Argggggghhhh.Before I knew it, I was the ground with fingers to my face, neck, ear, armpits...toes on my stomach, back,... hell, I was in more positions than a New York hooker on a saturday night.

Suddenly,...
 
I noticed bugs underneathe my skin. I could only be the crack. What else would fuck me up this bad? But where did I get crack from. I noticed doctors running towards me and with all of my hatred I tore them to bits. I chomped down on the first doctor's nose, ripping it right off! I then bit the other doctor in the balls, which caused him to pass out from the pain. I picked up a gun and started firing in random directions. The guards fired back and a bullet hit my leg. Strangely, I could not feel it, so I limped over to the other cells and started to free every insane inmate. The hallways were filled with psychopaths who could not be controlled but could not be legally harmed. I got lost amongst the crowd and made my way to an air vent in a bathroom. From here I began to crawl up the vent.
 
I kept crawling until all of a sudden, the floor gave in and I started to fall...Then suddently cold coarse wind started to hit my face, and my mind slowly started to clear. I was actually falling off a building!!!!! Somehow through my vertigo, itching and constant hallucinations, I had managed to fall off the balcony I was standing. It seemed to take forever,.. I felt myself gathering speed as wind passed by my ears: "whoosh, whoosh"....then CLASH!! Fortunately for me, the balcony was only I storey above ground. I am a lucky son of bitch....
 
This amount of unrest was unhealthy for a man like me, and I knew it. So, I quickly made the decision to rest here, despite what mental horrors this chemical/lesser god/organisation/coma fantasyland could be attempting to hurl at me now.

So I waited, thinking as little as possible, eyes closed.
...
...
...
...
...
...

'..what are you doing?'

Hell, at the time it seemed like a perfectly sensible question to ask a larger-than-usual poodle, caked in fecal matter, which was licking at a wound in my shin (quite worryingly through which an 11 inch glass spike protruded).

The air was misty and cold, quite refreshing after this night (..or was it a decade?) of rolling around in blood, shit, jizz and piss.

I was definately outside, and the light suggested it was dawn, and I lay splayed on top of the ruins of a large, crushed greenhouse.
The poodle trotted in circles.
It dawned on me that I had not soiled myself for quite some time...
 
quite a long fucking time to be exact. It seemed that I was finally conquering that filthy habit. Ahhhhhhhh. Mmmmmmmmm. Wheeeewwwwwww. Aaaaaaaaa. Stretching sure does feel good doesn't it? What is that smell? Geez, not again! Well, .. Aaaaaahhhhh. As I started pissing, it dawned no me that I was NAKED! Being covered in caked fecal matter sure draws one's attention from their nakedness. So whilst pissing, it again dawned on me that I was mildly shaking from the cold. I decided then to piss on myself. Yes it is very logical-- I mean, I was dirty and cold; the piss would clean and warm me. It dawned on me yet again that there was something weird about this poodle. I mean what kind of poodle eats shit? Hey, isn't that my poodle? I thought I killed that stealing, lying son of a bitch. It again dawned on me that too many things were dawning on me.

It again dawned on me that I have a weird way of speaking! One minute this….another minute that…another this that.. Man, I must be one .....
 
scary SOB to meet on a dark night. Whilst still pissing on myself for warmth the poodle started to do back flips, looking at the poodle it dawned on me (all this dawn and its still night??) that it was the start of my troubles. I'd never shit myself so many times before it arrived, so i decided that the poodle had to go. Being not very stable at the moment i decide the best way to get rid of the poodle would be to shove explosives down its throat, so whilst limping toward my house pulling glass from my body i tried to remember how to make plastique from house-hold bleach.
Several failed attemps later i realised that putting plastique in a blender is not a good idea as my missing kitchen wall seemed to be causing a draft.
After moulding the plastique into the shape of a cornish game hen i went back outside to look for that pesky poodle.
I called and called but the blasted poodle was nowhere to be seen, so i soiled myself for effect. As i did i saw the poodle approaching obviously drawn to the smell of my defecation. i threw it the cornish game hen shaped explosives and watched as it devoured it. Wile e coyote has nothing on me!
 
after belching triumphuntly, thinking that it had just caut itself a cornish game hen (whatever the fuck that is...), the poodle again stagard twards me.
"wholy ass raping jezus christ... must have used too much iodine in that last bach..."
damn poodle.
then i grabbed a 14 inch long shard of glass from the ground and ran at the evil demon poodle from whatever hell were all damned to. as i sunk the make-shift weapon deep into the wicked beasts side i rememberd.... plastiuqe has a delayd reaction when at a high ph level... stomach acid, like a dogs for example, has a very high ph levle.
i blinked and stood stunned by my stupidity for several seconds before falling backwords and scrambling away from the evil-infected mut. as i turned and clawd my way over the blood and shit staind ground, not caring about the shards of glass becoming embeded in my body as i scrambled for my life, i had one thing on my mind.
as long as that bloody fucking poodle dies before me this trip to hell will be worth it.

all i remer after that was a slamming BANG and too much light and noise all at once....
 
a car had hit the poodle. It was lying squashed beneath one of the rear tires. Its guts had spilled on the floor. It seemed pretyy fucking dead. Flies were already gathering around the corps.

The owner of the car, an elderly lady with a red handbag, came out of the car. She was obviously in distress. I kicked her in the kneecap and heard it brake. She fell to the floor screaming. I got in the car and drove away.

I was heading for the implant store on Sciforums street. I needed two functional arms for this job and maybe some gadgets.
 
Unfortunately all that was available was 3 outdated wooden legs and a dvd set of the tv series "gidget".
I begrudgingly grabbed the items off the shelf and paid for them, but not before defecating in the sink of the staff lounge.
I raced back to the scene of the accident and found the elderly woman still writhing in pain on the sidewalk, a large crowd was now surrounding her, I grabbed disk 1 of my gidget dvd set and jumped out of the car...
 
weilding the dvd in my left hand, for my right hand was now an old peg-leg, i charged into the croud.
bashing in heads with my new wooden limb and gashing throats with the shiny plastic disk i made my way twards the woman. i had to finish her.
as i finaly got through the onlookers, now mostly corpses on the ground and a few of them still twitching, i noticed that it was not an old woman at all that they were surounding, but rather it was...
 
pauly shore's hollywood square, apparently it was new, the crowd had gathered around in disbelief that such an international joke could be recognised in such a fashion.
I too was in disbelief, initially for the same reason as everyone else, but then I realised I had somehow ended up in hollywood.
To make sure I asked one of the survivors from my dvd weilding massacre;
"yep, you're in hollywood bub" a portly man confirmed as he lay on the curb bleeding all over marilyn munroe from a sliced artery, "although I don't like to call it hollywood any more, not now that stinkin paulie shore has a square, I mean what is that? really?! .... ugh, I think I'm dying.."
He died as I nodded in agreement that it was indeed a travesty that paulie shore had a square, but now I was confused, even more so, over how this could have happened, paulie shore is such a poor performer, and a 5 minute drive had somehow landed me in a completely different state, this must be the work of Dr Robarto, the master of setting up invisible transportation devices accross city streets, but why?
Did robarto want to show me the latest edition to the hollywood squares? Or did he want to draw me away from the scene of the old lady incident?
I thought about it some more as I slowly got back into my car, but before I could close the door...
 
The ghost of paulie shore appered and I shit on my self once more. paulie shores ghost told me I only had one chance to save my self from this maddness and that was to find bill gates so I could kill him with the knife of mac and escape this damn microsoft game.

Now all I had to do was retrieve the msytical knife of mac which was hidden in steve job's ass. Throught some contacts I learned that steve was protected by an army of jaguars. All hope seemed lost.....
 
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