story time!!!!

As i returned home to neptune, i parked my teraformer on the drive and went into my house to find that the poodle had eaten the corpse of the man sent to kill me, i took no notice to this as i'd forgot about the poodle on my several month jaunt to restore life to earth and guessed it must have got hungry. I went up stairs to check my downloads and to my suprise LOTR:ROTK still hadnt downloaded, i silently cursed my dial up modem, and started to read through the new posts on Sci-Forums, when i came across an intresting post about...
 
still hadnt downloaded, i silently cursed my dial up modem, and started to read through the new posts on Sci-Forums, when i came across an intresting post about...
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Story Time!!!! As I read through this post, I started realizing that somebody had been documenting my life and recording all the details of these events. I was very confused and so I started to type a response to this God of sorts to find out how he had been tracking me. I hit the submit reply button and it erased everything I wrote. I stood up, looked out the window, confused.
 
If this is true, then these god beings who write my own fate MUST be the ones who blew up earth with the meteors. Then the universe will be destroyed? Or will I eat cheese? How could I appease such writers of fate?
 
so as i sat by the window, eating cheese and pondering fate writing gods on sciforums i decided it was about time to change my pants.
 
...Still peering into the mirror i was awoken from this halucination by the drip drip of feeces down my leg, what the hell had i been smoking, the olympic village?... i showered changed and burnt the soiled garments so i could NEVER be accidently wearing them again, since im sure i got changed after soiling myself all those months ago... most be all the gear i'd smoked. As i headed downstairs i noticed the poodle looking up at me. As i decended the stairs it started to growl. I stopped on the stairs in awe as the fur of the poodle split and out of the tiny poodle body stood...
 
I killed the larger poodle with my hands and offered its blood as sacrifice to great Cthulhu.

ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu lies dreaming.

A rumbling shakes the earth. It can mean only one thing. Great Cthulhu has awoken from R'lyeh. What fate awaits me now?
 
A rumbling shakes the earth. It can mean only one thing. Great Cthulhu has awoken from R'lyeh. What fate awaits me now?
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Damn, It has only been a couple months since I saved earth and now its going to be destroyed again. As I stood pondering what I should do, I looked down and the poodle was gone. I ran over and picked up the bloody knife and start looking through the house for the poodle. I came into the living room and their stood a large ghostly figure with a Crystal Rod. I soiled myself again.
 
oh my holy motherfucking brother of jezus christ!
its a shoggoth, taken on the form of... porfiry!!!!
gods, nooooo!!!!!!!!

i stood stone still as the shoggoth became aware of my presence via the unusaly strong smells being emited from my trousers, and i knew my only chance was...
 
My only chance was to light myself on fire and run toward him as Shoggoths are weak against fire. So I lit myself on fire with my lighter and charged at him. As I was getting closer, I started to come down from my acid dillusion because my body was burning. The Shoggoth disappeared as it was just an illusion and now I am on fire... What to do...
 
..My only choice is to once again soil and piss myself in order to put out the flames. Once again I am saved by my bodily discharge....but unfortunately this was my last pair of pants which are scorched, pissed and thrice shat in. *dramatic backround music*
 
after soaking in my own stool for several minutes and thinking how i could have had this halucination as i havent smoked or snorted anything in 3 days, i realised it must be a message from the elder onse!
so i ran to the closet in search of the "necronomicon: all you need to know about the elder gods. revised edition 5.8"
after flipping through its pages for some time i came across a chapter on...
 
on 'minor gods with an inferiority complex'. That was it! This hadn't been the work of a devine allmighty deity. It had been the work of an almost human god. One that couldn't stand to see beautiful things because he (or she) was ugly inside.

The book referred to the phonebook of minor gods. I looked at the corner. Shit, the phonebook of minor gods was too heavy and thick for my bookshelf. I had put it in the corner and used it as a medium sized table. How the hell am I ever going to find out who did this?
 
Oh I know how,... but I first need another hit of this acid. What the fuck? I am out of acid? Shivers started down my spear as I thought of one day without..., one hour without..., one minute without...More watery feces travelled down the back of my leg and mixed with the thickening blood on my legs. ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH no more!!! I must have! I must have, I must have! Stupid book about gods. Stupid fucking sciforums. Stupid fucking modem! It was then that I realized that my cat was walking around as if it was high. It occured to me then that the fucking cat had TAKEN MY FUICKING ACID!!! I had to kill that slimy, lying, demented cat! So I grabbed my knife and went for the cat.

Whaaaaaaaaaat??????? What are all these fucking white walls? Why am I strapped in a fucking bed? Why are my legs shaking uncontrollably? What's that smell?...
 
as i pulled and kicked against my restraints i realised that everything had been one big hallucination brought on by a huge overdose of laxatives, if i could just stop getting high off laxatives i'd stop having these hallucinations and shitting myself in the process... but as my intoxicated brain shuffled the prelaxative memorires i realised where i was...
 
I was in deep shit. They were bound to x-ray me in this mental asylum at one point or give me a thorough physcial. They would discover the truth. And that would be the end of it.

I had to escape, and I had to do it quickly.
 
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