again i'm very sorry that i can't share the message with you. i just don't feel comfortable doing it at all. if i could find my attempt to try and recreate the second one, i might not mind sharing it, but it's worthless, and is pointless to share here. it defeats the purpose of you even looking at it because it is not perfect...not even near. the first one that i burned was perfect, and i swear that if i had it i would share it. i was so disappointed that i couldn't recreate it but then again, it just goes to show you that i didn't write it to begin with.
as for my family no, my brother has not had any experiences like this, and he wouldn't be an atheist if he had. my mom's side of the family though has had some spiritual weirdness go on. as of late, my mom doesn't connect with her spirituality at all. my grandma stopped attending church and isn't as spiritual as she used to be, or outwardly anyway, due to a series of strokes she's had over the past several years. she was the one, when i was little, who used to take me to church, and pretty much force the rest of the family to go as well as she was quite the matriarch. she used to speak in tongues a lot, and she would have these prayer meetings at her house with members of an extended family where all kinds of spiritual weirdness would go on. i have an uncle who would say that jesus inhabited his body. like he would come and go when he wanted to, and while he was "in", he would give people messages that meant something to them, but nothing necessarily to my uncle. so it was as if jesus was using his body to speak through. which is also what speaking in tongues is supposed to be to, albeit in some heavenly language that needs translation to be understood. this kind of stuff scared me when i was a kid, and i stayed out of it as much as i could. i was a polite observer. and while it was kind of intruiging in a way, because it was so weird, and it was my family, it was also a turn off for the very same reason. i think that most kids want their families to be "normal", whatever that is, and mine certainly was not. i believed them though. i knew and trusted my family members enough to know they weren't faking it, which meant something to me. i don't think i realized what it meant exactly, but it's part of who i am and i'm sure it influenced me over the years of my life. i remember one afternoon prayer meeting at my grandma's, when i was about 13 years old. my uncle ralph was in "jesus mode" and he looked at me and said, "lori, don't believe everything they teach you in school." and he said it very seriously but not emphatically. and i said, "ok." on the ride home that afternoon, my mom asked me what i was studying in school, and so i ran off a list of subjects. one being evolution in science class which grabbed her attention. i didn't think much of it myself. until this miracle happened to me.
after these writings had occurred the first thing i thought of was my uncle so i wrote him a letter. he still lives just across town but i never see him except at an occasional funeral or wedding. i wanted to know what it was like when jesus was inside of him, and did and said things through him. and i wanted to know if he remembered saying what he did to me all those years ago, and if it meant anything to him. and i wanted to know if this still happened to him. it seemed strange to me that he described it as jesus and not the holy spirit. i thought it strange that he described it as an inhabitation and not a message.
he called me when he got the letter and we talked a little. he told me that it did still happen to him a lot. he described it as a message that came through him vocally. he would be inclined to say things to people, and he had no idea why he was to say them. that what he said didn't mean anything to him, but he knew it meant something to them. my experience was the same, only in a written form, and seemingly much more amplified or intensified. i thanked him.
this was not the only weirdness that went on with me in regards to this. and when it was all said and done (though it is not as of yet, and never will be), i reacted to it in a way that made my family and friends worry quite a bit. and while i was happier and healthier than i ever had been in my entire life, it was obvious that something had happened to me. i kept trying to explain it which i found to be futile if not impossible, and ultimately detrimental, if it served to worry the people who loved me. anyway, along with taking me to the doctor for a mri of my head, and to the psychologist for...well...nothing really except to sit and listen to my mother talk incessantly like she always does...she took me to see my uncle ralph one afternoon. she was convinced that whatever i was experiencing was evil in origin and wanted a second opinion and maybe a prayer, although she turned her back on god a long time ago, and spent most of her time that afternoon smoking cigarettes outside. i told ralph some stuff about what i had been through and what i thought it meant and it seemed to upset him a bit too. he and the rest of my family, and the rest of america for that matter have been deeply entrenched in a doctrine and dogma that don't allow a lot of room for anything else. and this is something else. they've had their interpretations of things like the bible for centuries now and there is just no telling them that they're mistaken about anything. i think most people out here know what i'm talking about. people like to be right, and tie thier ego to their beliefs, and for the most part, are not open-minded at all. when he said that he thought i was lying or that i was evil (i can't remember exactly how it was stated), i got pissed off. it was so fucking typical and i just wasn't at all interested in hearing it. i was polite though not that he was. he stood in my face and pointed his finger and said, "you were warned." i didn't understand, but i could see in his eyes that he was not "himself" and he didn't understand either. and so i asked him, "about what?", and he couldn't answer, as he had no idea what he was talking about. all he could do was repeat the message, and he did, "you were warned." and i must have asked, and he repeated four or five times over the same thing until i gave up. and i was really pissed now and wanted to leave. he suggested we pray. i said "fine". he suggested we didn't. i said "fine". and we left. i was so fucking pissed off at my mother at that point i wanted to rip her face off. but i didn't. i love my mom, and what i would describe as her idiotic ways. i did though come to understand what it meant when he said, "you were warned." he was right; i had been warned. i had been told by the holy spirit, that most religious people would not want to hear what i had to say about what i had been through and what it meant and he was right. and he so graciously reminded me of it that afternoon while my uncle was giving me a perfect example of what he had warned me about. my uncle has no idea what his message meant to me. think about that for a while.
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