Jokes and Funny Stories II
- Thread starter Billy T
- Start date
Stranger in a strange land..we be missing you..
Why, is he actually leaving and not coming back on his own accord or is he being banned?
he hasn't posted here in a month..
Robert Schunk
Registered Senior Member
Here's my new abstract:
Nasal Bioluminescence in Flight-Capable Subspecies of Rangifer tarandus
Observations from the field indicate that some flight-capable subspecies of Rangifer tarandus exhibit bioluminescence in the nasal region, with the light emitted being in the estimated frequency range of 480 - 400 THz. This information stems from observations of an individual designated "RUDOLF".
***
Sorry it's out-of-season, but I've only been able to re-access Sciforums after an extended absence.
Nasal Bioluminescence in Flight-Capable Subspecies of Rangifer tarandus
Observations from the field indicate that some flight-capable subspecies of Rangifer tarandus exhibit bioluminescence in the nasal region, with the light emitted being in the estimated frequency range of 480 - 400 THz. This information stems from observations of an individual designated "RUDOLF".
***
Sorry it's out-of-season, but I've only been able to re-access Sciforums after an extended absence.
Pensioner #1: I went to see my doctor the other day, about my problem with gas.
Pensioner #2: So, what did he say?
Pensioner #1: He told me to blow it out of my ass.
Pensioner #2: So, what did he say?
Pensioner #1: He told me to blow it out of my ass.
Where do pirates sit?
On a sofarrrr.
On a sofarrrr.
You know you've been studying math too long when:
You go to the shed to look for your old dicycle, and realise you actually have two monocycles joined together. Then you realise your dicycle will need half a wheel, exactly 1/4 of what it does have.
You decide to learn to play the guitar, and can't figure out how to permute the digits on either hand.
Your wife asks what you'd like for dinner and you say: "As long as I don't need to solve it, anything's good.".
You go to the shed to look for your old dicycle, and realise you actually have two monocycles joined together. Then you realise your dicycle will need half a wheel, exactly 1/4 of what it does have.
You decide to learn to play the guitar, and can't figure out how to permute the digits on either hand.
Your wife asks what you'd like for dinner and you say: "As long as I don't need to solve it, anything's good.".
I've heard this one many times before. However, I'm still not tired of it.
Here is one I bet you have not heard (and won't understand, probably) It is a Russia version of a stand-up comedian's night club show; but they do things diferent in Russia - he sits down for the whole show.
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It was a happy whatever, but I like to know what's going on in a joke. So here's one that a friend sent me.
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks.
The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
"Cold day in hell, the Falcons must have won the Super Bowl!"
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks.
The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
"Cold day in hell, the Falcons must have won the Super Bowl!"
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese Dr: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese Dr: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese Dr: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese Dr: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese Dr: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese Dr: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese Dr: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese Dr: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese Dr: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese Dr: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese Dr: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese Dr: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors
So there's this mafioso, lives in Chicago, used to be in the army.
So he's in the bedroom takin' his piece apart, givin' it the GI routine. He reaches for the can of gun oil, but drops it on the bed, oil spills out all over the fuckin' place.
He gets up, retrieves the can but it's too late, there's oil fuckin' everywhere, soakin' into the sheets. He heaves a sigh, thinks "Fuck it", and goes into the lounge.
He sits down, heaves another sigh, reaches for the TV remote and changes the channel. His wife, stretched out on the couch says, "I was watchin' that honey", so he changes it back, heavin' another sigh. The wife gets the message and says, "Ok, honey, shall we just go to bed?".
"Nah", he says, "it's too oily".
So he's in the bedroom takin' his piece apart, givin' it the GI routine. He reaches for the can of gun oil, but drops it on the bed, oil spills out all over the fuckin' place.
He gets up, retrieves the can but it's too late, there's oil fuckin' everywhere, soakin' into the sheets. He heaves a sigh, thinks "Fuck it", and goes into the lounge.
He sits down, heaves another sigh, reaches for the TV remote and changes the channel. His wife, stretched out on the couch says, "I was watchin' that honey", so he changes it back, heavin' another sigh. The wife gets the message and says, "Ok, honey, shall we just go to bed?".
"Nah", he says, "it's too oily".
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!”
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says,
"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that asshole,and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.“
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!”
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says,
"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that asshole,and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.“
Got this from a joke book in a lawyer's office and didn't find searching the forums:
A lawyer and a Pope died on the same day and were standing at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter beckons them inside and shows them to their rooms.
He leads the pope down a narrow hallway with doors on either side and into a small plain room toward the end. The room is large enough to have a bed and a desk. He tells the Pope that the communal showers are at the end of the hallway.
He then leads the lawyer to another part of heaven where his room is. When he opens the door the lawyer's jaw drops. He is staring at a huge, multi storied room with marble columns and gold trim, jacuzzi bubble bath tubs, hot tubs, a private indoor pool, a training room, a huge bedroom and closet, a kitchen with a personal chef and more.
The lawyer looks at St. Peter and says 'You must be mistaken. This is surely the Pope's room.'
St. Peter replies 'No, we have lots of Popes. We've never had a lawyer before.'
A lawyer and a Pope died on the same day and were standing at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter beckons them inside and shows them to their rooms.
He leads the pope down a narrow hallway with doors on either side and into a small plain room toward the end. The room is large enough to have a bed and a desk. He tells the Pope that the communal showers are at the end of the hallway.
He then leads the lawyer to another part of heaven where his room is. When he opens the door the lawyer's jaw drops. He is staring at a huge, multi storied room with marble columns and gold trim, jacuzzi bubble bath tubs, hot tubs, a private indoor pool, a training room, a huge bedroom and closet, a kitchen with a personal chef and more.
The lawyer looks at St. Peter and says 'You must be mistaken. This is surely the Pope's room.'
St. Peter replies 'No, we have lots of Popes. We've never had a lawyer before.'