Irish Wisdom...
Email from friend
Email from friend
Jokes and Funny Stories II
- Thread starter Billy T
- Start date
At the end of a premium horse race the winner was auctioned
When Paddy found out he had won he drove out to the stud farm to pick up his horse
The old owner took Paddy to the stall where the horse lay dead
Paddy said he wanted his money back but was told it had been spent
So the horse was loaded up and Paddy drove home. On the way he was thinking about what he could do
Next day he placed a ad for a new raffle this time horse plus trailer
Raffle drawn and winner turned up to Paddy and Paddy took him to the dead horse in the trailer
Seeing the dead horse winner demanded his money back
Paddy a true gentleman gave the winner his money back and then showed real heart by saying the winner could take the trailer for the small task of disposing of the horse
Paddy shouted drinks all-round that evening
When Paddy found out he had won he drove out to the stud farm to pick up his horse
The old owner took Paddy to the stall where the horse lay dead
Paddy said he wanted his money back but was told it had been spent
So the horse was loaded up and Paddy drove home. On the way he was thinking about what he could do
Next day he placed a ad for a new raffle this time horse plus trailer
Raffle drawn and winner turned up to Paddy and Paddy took him to the dead horse in the trailer
Seeing the dead horse winner demanded his money back
Paddy a true gentleman gave the winner his money back and then showed real heart by saying the winner could take the trailer for the small task of disposing of the horse
Paddy shouted drinks all-round that evening
In Praise of Universal Medicare (?)
"When I came to this country, I was so weak I couldn't even sit up. I couldn't feed myself; I couldn't eat solid food at all. I couldn't speak a word."
"How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
"When I came to this country, I was so weak I couldn't even sit up. I couldn't feed myself; I couldn't eat solid food at all. I couldn't speak a word."
"How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
...and the Donkey looks him straight in the eyes and without missing a beat says, "Purple hat!"
ALABAMA LITERARY TEST
By Art Buchwald
Getting to vote in Bull Whip, Alabama, isn’t as easy as one would think. First, you have to sneak around a mounted sheriff’s posse, then fight your way through a cloud of state police tear gas, and then you have to leap over a hundred cattle prods. And finally, if you still want to vote in Bull Whip, you have to register, and the registration office in the courthouse is open only from 11:55 p.m to midnight on every sixth Saturday of the month.
The problem is that, although the registration office is open, the courthouse is closed, and it’s kind of hard to get into the building.
Even so, Mr. George Abernathy, an [African-American], manages, much to the surprise of the registrar, to get in and asks to register to vote.
“Fine, George, fine. Ah’d be glad to register you as soon as you answer a few of these here questions,” the registrar says. “Now, first off, what is your educational background?”
“I was a Rhodes scholar, I received a B.A. from Columbia, a masters from Harvard, and a Ph.D. from MIT.”
“That’s just fine, George. Now let me ask you this. Can you read an’ write?”
“I’ve written three books, on cybernetics, Christian philosophy, and advanced political theory.”
“Ah’d appreciate it if you didn’t use such big words, George. If there’s anything Ah hate it’s an uppity voter.”
Abernathy says, “I believe I have a right to register.”
“Yes, you do, George, but I have to give you this here literacy test ‘cause we cain’t have ignoramuses voting for our great Governor, George Wallace, if you know what Ah mean. Now, first off, would you please read somethin’ from this here newspaper?”
“It’s in Chinese.”
“That’s right.”
Abernathy reads three stories from the Chinese paper. The registrar is thrown, but he doesn’t want to show it.
“All right, now will you read the hieroglyphics off this here Rosetta Stone?” he says.
Mr. Abernathy reads the hieroglyphics and the registrar begins to get nervous.
“George, here is the constitution of Finland, in Finnish. Would you please interpret the first 14 articles for me?”
“What has that got to do with voting in Alabama?”
“We got to keep out agitators and the like. Now, you going to take the test or not?”
Mr. Abernathy interprets the 14 articles and the registrar becomes truly frightened. He telephones the Governor’s office and reports what is happening. An aide comes back in a few minutes and says, “The Governor says to give him Part 4 of the test.”
The registrar goes to his safe and takes out a clay jar. “George, there’s only one more thing you’re obligated to do for this here literacy test. Would you be so kind to read for me any two of these Dead Sea Scrolls?”
Mr. Abernathy reads the first one but stumbles on a word in the second one.
“Ah’m sorry, George. You’ve failed the literacy test, but you can come back next year and try again.”
As Abernathy leaves the office, a white Alabaman comes in to register to vote.
The registrar says to him, “Would you please spell cat for me?”
The white voter says, “K-A-T.”
“Try it again. You’re getting warm.”
Bob Metcalfe
https://www.quora.com/How-could-Jim...iterate-whites-who-had-no-trouble-registering
100% cut / paste
By Art Buchwald
Getting to vote in Bull Whip, Alabama, isn’t as easy as one would think. First, you have to sneak around a mounted sheriff’s posse, then fight your way through a cloud of state police tear gas, and then you have to leap over a hundred cattle prods. And finally, if you still want to vote in Bull Whip, you have to register, and the registration office in the courthouse is open only from 11:55 p.m to midnight on every sixth Saturday of the month.
The problem is that, although the registration office is open, the courthouse is closed, and it’s kind of hard to get into the building.
Even so, Mr. George Abernathy, an [African-American], manages, much to the surprise of the registrar, to get in and asks to register to vote.
“Fine, George, fine. Ah’d be glad to register you as soon as you answer a few of these here questions,” the registrar says. “Now, first off, what is your educational background?”
“I was a Rhodes scholar, I received a B.A. from Columbia, a masters from Harvard, and a Ph.D. from MIT.”
“That’s just fine, George. Now let me ask you this. Can you read an’ write?”
“I’ve written three books, on cybernetics, Christian philosophy, and advanced political theory.”
“Ah’d appreciate it if you didn’t use such big words, George. If there’s anything Ah hate it’s an uppity voter.”
Abernathy says, “I believe I have a right to register.”
“Yes, you do, George, but I have to give you this here literacy test ‘cause we cain’t have ignoramuses voting for our great Governor, George Wallace, if you know what Ah mean. Now, first off, would you please read somethin’ from this here newspaper?”
“It’s in Chinese.”
“That’s right.”
Abernathy reads three stories from the Chinese paper. The registrar is thrown, but he doesn’t want to show it.
“All right, now will you read the hieroglyphics off this here Rosetta Stone?” he says.
Mr. Abernathy reads the hieroglyphics and the registrar begins to get nervous.
“George, here is the constitution of Finland, in Finnish. Would you please interpret the first 14 articles for me?”
“What has that got to do with voting in Alabama?”
“We got to keep out agitators and the like. Now, you going to take the test or not?”
Mr. Abernathy interprets the 14 articles and the registrar becomes truly frightened. He telephones the Governor’s office and reports what is happening. An aide comes back in a few minutes and says, “The Governor says to give him Part 4 of the test.”
The registrar goes to his safe and takes out a clay jar. “George, there’s only one more thing you’re obligated to do for this here literacy test. Would you be so kind to read for me any two of these Dead Sea Scrolls?”
Mr. Abernathy reads the first one but stumbles on a word in the second one.
“Ah’m sorry, George. You’ve failed the literacy test, but you can come back next year and try again.”
As Abernathy leaves the office, a white Alabaman comes in to register to vote.
The registrar says to him, “Would you please spell cat for me?”
The white voter says, “K-A-T.”
“Try it again. You’re getting warm.”
Bob Metcalfe
https://www.quora.com/How-could-Jim...iterate-whites-who-had-no-trouble-registering
100% cut / paste
Very good Michael345.
I'm upset. I've just found out my wife's been lying to me. Every morning when I wake, she says she's going to leave me, and when I come home in the evening she's still there.
A man walks up to a Jew at a bus-stop and asks, "What time's the bus due?"
Duncan Doughnuts.
Herby Dumpling.
Pamela and 'er Son.
Herby Dumpling.
Pamela and 'er Son.
The Doctor told me the other day that I have a drink problem.
I said, "I ain't got a problem, I likes it!"
I said, "I ain't got a problem, I likes it!"
How do you get Picachus on a bus?
Poke 'em on.
Poke 'em on.
Have nice camping areas around Darwin. Nice swimming spots close. Unfortunately some of the swimming spots off limits because of crocodiles
A young couple from Prague came to the Darwin and went to the tourist shop asking about camping areas
Neither could speak good English but the staff managed to direct them to a suitable place
After they left the manager called up the ranger to look after them when they arrived. When they came to scenic spot the ranger showed them where to set up camp
After a few days the ranger went back and found the tent all messed up and the couple nowhere around
Getting his rifle went down to the creek and saw the well known pair of crocodiles. He shot the female and the male swam off
Checking the contents of the female he found items the girl had been wearing but nothing from boyfriend
He radioed his boss for advice
Boss said no problem come back to Darwin to write your report
What will I say about boyfriend
Simple put on the report The Czechs in the male
A young couple from Prague came to the Darwin and went to the tourist shop asking about camping areas
Neither could speak good English but the staff managed to direct them to a suitable place
After they left the manager called up the ranger to look after them when they arrived. When they came to scenic spot the ranger showed them where to set up camp
After a few days the ranger went back and found the tent all messed up and the couple nowhere around
Getting his rifle went down to the creek and saw the well known pair of crocodiles. He shot the female and the male swam off
Checking the contents of the female he found items the girl had been wearing but nothing from boyfriend
He radioed his boss for advice
Boss said no problem come back to Darwin to write your report
What will I say about boyfriend
Simple put on the report The Czechs in the male
DaveC426913
Valued Senior Member
Suggested tweak:
The punchline doesn't make sense if they're both Czech.
The girl should something other than Czech. Slovak would be good.
Strange I agree and thought of the same thing but to late to edit. Was going to make girlfriend French
Cheers
DaveC426913
Valued Senior Member
Czech Republic and Slovakia used to be part of the same country, so you could add some element of artistic unity to the opening of the story.