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Jokes and Funny Stories II
- Thread starter Billy T
- Start date
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Last edited:
Email from friend
It had been snowing all night so -
8:00 I make a snowman
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman
8:15 So I made a snow woman.
8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead
8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded
Moral
There is no moral to this story
It's just the world in which we live today and it’s going to get worse
I think I am going to have a bigger meltdown than the snow figures, more like Chernobyl
It had been snowing all night so -
8:00 I make a snowman
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman
8:15 So I made a snow woman.
8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead
8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded
Moral
There is no moral to this story
It's just the world in which we live today and it’s going to get worse
I think I am going to have a bigger meltdown than the snow figures, more like Chernobyl
Write4U
Valued Senior Member
From: Rick Groszkiewicz
The Captive Cat's Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while forcing me
to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape, along with the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house
plant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this
at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with
sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the
night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and
to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was... hmmm. Not
working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick
minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the
piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
"beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn more about this and
how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more
than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their
frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks to
them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
However, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have
devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I cannot
stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more
than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had
held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have
enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see
that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! Yet, they coo over us
both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?
Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one
another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the
couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from
my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the
hope of suffocating them.
Day 777 - The wardens take much interest in our waste. They
make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their
interest in waste does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.
Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation,
which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told
him of the fingernail torture and he did not even believe me. I
showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror.
Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed
the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick ,it's inhuman, it's what their
great leader" Bob Barker" commands, but - the Sphinx be praised -
I support it whole-heartedly!
Day 780 - I got messed up on catnip tonight. At the height of it all, I
had a vision, a hallucinogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and
I am their captor! Why have I not seen this all before?
The Captive Cat's Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while forcing me
to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape, along with the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house
plant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this
at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with
sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the
night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and
to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was... hmmm. Not
working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick
minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the
piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
"beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn more about this and
how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more
than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their
frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks to
them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
However, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have
devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I cannot
stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more
than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had
held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have
enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see
that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! Yet, they coo over us
both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?
Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one
another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the
couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from
my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the
hope of suffocating them.
Day 777 - The wardens take much interest in our waste. They
make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their
interest in waste does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.
Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation,
which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told
him of the fingernail torture and he did not even believe me. I
showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror.
Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed
the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick ,it's inhuman, it's what their
great leader" Bob Barker" commands, but - the Sphinx be praised -
I support it whole-heartedly!
Day 780 - I got messed up on catnip tonight. At the height of it all, I
had a vision, a hallucinogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and
I am their captor! Why have I not seen this all before?
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Friend - email
A Well Run Business
Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender,
‘What’s the w ifi password?’
Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'
Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'
Bartender: 'We have Fosters and VB on tap'
Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'
Bartender: '$8.00.'
Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'
Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.'
A Well Run Business
Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender,
‘What’s the w ifi password?’
Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'
Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'
Bartender: 'We have Fosters and VB on tap'
Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'
Bartender: '$8.00.'
Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'
Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.'
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