I am guilty of...

D

draqon

Banned
Banned
I hate myself for even ever thinking to do this.
I have been straight person always, only girls excite me and I only want sex with women. Naked men do not make me sexual or do anything in me.

But nevertheless this did happen.
I was six years old and my cousin (guy) was four, I had experimented with everything at hand at that time and I wanted him to put my penis in his mouth. He did it and it felt good. I asked him to do it again but he refused and told me he wanted to try. So I did the same thing too. All this was 20 seconds the most. There was no sex. I was not erect but I liked that feeling. The 20 seconds of this have ruined my life forever as I have never told this to anyone. And my cousin has seem to forget it forever.

So now after years have passed by I feel this guilt within me and I never told this to anyone. And I am afraid to ask my cousin whether all this was for real...or was it a dream, I was only 6 and never has anything like this happened to me.

I am disgusted by what I did but I don't know what to think of it anymore. I am obviously straight person and not gay, but what do I tell my cousin? Should I even mention it? How should I feel? :shrug: I am now 20.
 
You're fine. You're fine whatever it might have possibly meant. Kids play around. They experiment. It is not the same thing as adult sexuality. It was not based on attraction the way adult sex hopefully is.

There are so many hateful messages out there about our bodies adn sex and what it all means.

There would be nothing wrong if you had turned out to be gay. There is nothing in what you did that means that you are somehow gay or a little bit gay.

To be honest: it's a pretty evil message to give someone that such an innocent act is something someone should torture themselves emotionally about. I don't know where the message originated in your life, but I think you should certainly questions both the intelligence and the goodness of the original source of that message.
Imagine if someone else came to you and told the same story. Would you really think they were disgusting and had done some evil thing when they were kids?
 
Dragon I have a lot of dealings with people who have suffered child sexual abuse as I run an online mental health support forum. And from my experience you have done nothing wrong here. You were not fully aware of the acts that you were partaking in. You were doing 'something' to see what it was like, that is all and you cousin also entered into the same game.

As your cousin was even younger than you they properly do not even remember the event and it would not be a good idea to bring it up.
 
I ones kicked some kid straight in the face when I was five or so. The moment he climed on some wooden tower thing and he felt like a meter down considering I remember I kicked his head like you would kick a soccer bal and we where both 5 or so (before first grade). The kid was fine and ren to his mother.

we all do some very dumb stuff were not to proud of afther reflection. What you did was yust stupid
 
Interesting topic.

I suspect you suffered some kind of similar event before the age of memory.

As for regretting this event, I will perscribe my usual dose of Nietzsche:

"Never Regret, it adds a second act of stupidity to the first..."
 
nietzschefan said:
I suspect you suffered some kind of similar event before the age of memory.
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well, my parents left me. My mom went to USA and my dad was constantly working in a lab in different cities. And I was in Belarus at that time, near the Chernobyl accident. So yes something did happen, my parents left me because the economic situation in the country was in chaos, and I was living few km's from the Chernobyl (Krasnaya Gora). I was living with my cousin's family which treated me very nicely, but the grandma was so deeply religious. And I felt constantly alienated because I was the only child from my father's side.

Of course 5 years have passed from than and now I am together with my family in USA, as my mother found a job as a scientist in the lab in USA in NJ and my father was allowed to come as well and got job in the same place too. And thats how it is
 
He meant other such similar situations involving penises and mouths prior to this one.
 
orcot said:
I ones kicked some kid straight in the face when I was five or so. The moment he climed on some wooden tower thing and he felt like a meter down considering I remember I kicked his head like you would kick a soccer bal and we where both 5 or so (before first grade). The kid was fine and ren to his mother.

we all do some very dumb stuff were not to proud of afther reflection. What you did was yust stupid
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No, no, no, what you did was just stupid. Violence is stupid at any age and I get real mad when I see kids behaving like that, but of course I blame the parents. What Dragon did was just very natural experimentation.

2 friends and I did exactly the same thing when I was 5, one of them was slightly older, about 7 and he had seen his mum doing it to his dad the night before so he suggested we try it, we did it in the front garden in full view of any neighbours and family that might have walked by at any moment. In fact, my godmother did just that and gave us a scolding for being 'dirty', but there was no sexual connotation at all as far as we were concerned, how could there be at that age? It is because I can look at the incident with a rational mind that I don't and never have felt any guilt or remorse because of it.

Kids do these things, they see adults doing stuff and they naturally want to emulate what they saw. When I was 6, I saw my parents making love; the next day I seduced the next door neighbour's 5 year-old daughter took her to the toilet, undressed her and tried to emulate what my dad had done the previous night. There was lots of rubbing of tiny willy on naked belly, kisses on cheeks and little bites on neck (just copying what I thought I'd seen) but no erection; just more innocent stuff that kids do.
 
Kids do these things, they see adults doing stuff and they naturally want to emulate what they saw. When I was 6, I saw my parents making love;
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I'm grateful I didn't
 
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Even if there was something sexual in the action why would that be something to be ashamed of?
 
dragon,
Even if there was something sexual in the action why would that be something to be ashamed of?
 
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