Would you pursue a romantic relationship with someone who has been sexually abused?

[Beryl]

Yes, if I liked them otherwise. Sure they might be a little messed up, but I don't think it's right to turn your back on people just because they have problems.

 

[Closet Philosopher]

For me, it would depend on how the abuse affected the person. If they have strange tendencies and sexual functions due to the sexual abuse that bothers me then I tould rather not have a relationship with that person. If they accept what happened and were able to work through their issues then I would consider having a relationship with them. I'm not attracted to the "I have issues" type of person.

 

[Light]

"These people" are still people.
Treat them as such.
Don't try to deal with their situation. As a lover or friend, you're not in charge of their recovery.

And if it bothers you one tiniest bit that they have been raped or abused -- then leave and never communicate with them again. Don't think that that discomfort can be hidden; sooner or later they'll notice that you have a problem with their past.

I realy do understand what you're saying here. You should also realize that what you've just said IS a way of dealing with their situation. Ignoring and abandoning is a very common way of dealing with problems in today's world.

One other thing. What you've presented in the post above and in several others, you've presented as absolutes. You should at least be honest enough with everyone here to make it clear that it is only YOUR version - and that it's most certainly NOT the only way.

I haven't seen anyone state - or even indicate - that they were "in charge" of someone's recovery, as you put it. The real truth, if you admit it or not, is that you're simply putting your own personal spin on this whole issue.

 

[water]

I realy do understand what you're saying here. You should also realize that what you've just said IS a way of dealing with their situation. Ignoring and abandoning is a very common way of dealing with problems in today's world.

In this sense, EVERYTHING, ANY ATTITUDE, is "dealing", in one way or another.
The issue was about actual approaches in the sense of engaging into solving the other person's problem.

One other thing. What you've presented in the post above and in several others, you've presented as absolutes. You should at least be honest enough with everyone here to make it clear that it is only YOUR version - and that it's most certainly NOT the only way.

I haven't seen anyone state - or even indicate - that they were "in charge" of someone's recovery, as you put it. The real truth, if you admit it or not, is that you're simply putting your own personal spin on this whole issue.

I was asked my opionion, so I presented my opinion. There's nothing but opinions anyway, as each person who has been abused recovers on their own terms, on their own pace, and only a professional has meaningful insight into that.

What is your problem?

 

[water]

I would try to listen to them, if they would allow , and try to adjust to the situation as needed. Perhaps they might not want touch but they might want to have someone to understand and give them any type of support they would need.

I don't think laypeople are capable of many kinds of support anyway.

If they didn't want help they would not have told me to start with, wouldn't you think?

True, and a great source of problems. Not everyone who asks for help is capable of determining within a short time whether the help that has been offered is really good for them. This is why they may persist in hopeless situations with "helpers".


* * *

Worst case scenario : This person breaks down and says I can't love you physically ever , in fact i'm so f*cked up by it all I never want to see you again....

So? What is the harm in this for you? They've spared you.

The consequences of the person's experience manifest themselves in ways that such heart felt affections seem 'invalid' or 'false' and they say 'It's just not gonna work. I am sorry.' Love itself has been adulterated through the abuse so that now it appears 'false' to the abused.

At this point pursuing the relationship is about commitment. Lets say I really really meant what I said but the abused person had said the words ...

But why would you be willing to commit to such a person?
They don't love you, and they don't want a commitment with you, and they are in fact unable to have a healthy relationship. So why commit yourself to them?

I think your stance is beautiful, but very idealistic, I have to say so.


* * *

It's not the *degree* of consequences of sexual abuse and rape and how well the person copes with them that I'm interested in, but the *fact* of being sexually abused or raped -- and how this affects other people's course of action and affection towards those who have been abused.

It affects other peoples course of action because we all have things we need from a relationship.

This may sound rude, but the way I meant the "*fact* of being sexually abused or raped" is in the sense of an absolute category, a label. The it was once clearly separated between blacks or whites, or women or men.
There certainly is a politically correct way to approach victims of abuse, concentrating on the degree of the abuse on the degree of how well the person is coping with the consequences. Yet what they all have in common, no matter how bad the abuse, no matter how well they are coping with the consequences, is the label.
I don't know how exactly to test this, but I would like to find out how people react to the label "victim of sexual abuse". I do think it essentially works like a scarlet letter though. Just like one was segregated as a black person (even though they might have been of a lighter complexion), based on the label, I think that victims are segregated by the label principle as well.
That is what labels do: They erase the difference between the person who was taken naked pictures of through a teleobjective by a voyeour and published onlne, and the person who has been gangraped and beaten, for example.

Relationships should not be one sided life adventures wouldnt you agree? What exactly does a person who is struggling with abuse issues that have not been resolved have to offer me in this relationship? Past abuse issues can affect a relationship greatly, you would agree with that right?

Of course.

I dont know of many successful relationships, regardless of the past of the persons involved, who do not try to help their partner in many aspects of their lives. To deny a partner a chance to help you become more than you are alone is to deny your partner a huge part of what a relationship is about. Do you think a partner in a healthy relationship doesnt get something out of helping their partner succeed in whatever endeavor they are undertaking?

There are limits to everything.
There are "lighter" issues that partners can and should help eachother with, and then there are "heavy" issues that should be left to professionals.


* * *

hat's excellent advice. But surely ye're aware that the advice goes both ways, right? If she keeps bringing it up or it keeps bothering her, surely HE will notice and have a problem with THAT part of it. So perhaps it's best if women who are sexually abused get a "Scarlet Letter" tattooed on their foreheads so everyone knows up front that she has a problem.

Sure. It would certainly make things easier for men, don't you think? This way, they would not waste their time on potential basketcases.

But you do realize, right, that your statement means that a great majority of men would not/could not "handle" that kind of thing ...IF... the woman was the slightest bit of an ongoing "basketcase"?

Of course.

Don't try to deal with their situation. As a lover or friend, you're not in charge of their recovery.

Hmm, what does that mean? ...that perhaps he moves out and leaves her alone until she calls to let him know that she's fully recovered??

I meant that some partners or friends take it upon themselves to counsel the abused one and set the pace of recovery. This, I do not agree with.

He may not "be in charge" of her recovery, but he has to hang around and deal with the consequences of that recovery. That can't be easy!

Why would he?! There's plenty of fish in the sea.

 

[c20H25N3o]

So? What is the harm in this for you? They've spared you.

I am hurt because the abuser's actions are adulterating the good things that caused the relationship to happen in the first place. I have no business feeling self pity but I can challenge the abused person's will to let the abuse continue stealing from them.



But why would you be willing to commit to such a person?
They don't love you, and they don't want a commitment with you, and they are in fact unable to have a healthy relationship. So why commit yourself to them?

I refuse to let the abuser win.

I think your stance is beautiful, but very idealistic, I have to say so.

Someone has to take up a sword and slash through the forest to get to Sleeping Beauty. The motivation is to awaken the beauty that has been poisoned.

I cut myself on enough thorns to get through to my sleeping beauty ten years ago but boy was the kiss from her lips worth it.

peace

c20

 

[Light]

In this sense, EVERYTHING, ANY ATTITUDE, is "dealing", in one way or another.
The issue was about actual approaches in the sense of engaging into solving the other person's problem.




I was asked my opionion, so I presented my opinion. There's nothing but opinions anyway, as each person who has been abused recovers on their own terms, on their own pace, and only a professional has meaningful insight into that.

What is your problem?

I have no problem. Please stop being so danged defensive, please!

Quite the contrary to what you declare, there have been countless individuals who have actually been helped through the honest efforts of others.

Your declaration on that actually sounds a lot like "Don't touch me! Leave me alone! I want to wallow in my own self-pity! So go away! I'll get over this completely on my OWN and don't need or want anyone's help!"

Can you honestly deny that?

 

[c20H25N3o]

Your declaration on that actually sounds a lot like "Don't touch me! Leave me alone! I want to wallow in my own self-pity! So go away! I'll get over this completely on my OWN and don't need or want anyone's help!"

Can you honestly deny that?

That is the effects of the poison. It's not willful. Sleeping Beauty cant wake herself.

peace

c20

 

[water]

I have no problem. Please stop being so danged defensive, please!

This is your interpretation.
You keep assuming, and assuming, and falsifying, and distorting whatever I say.

Quite the contrary to what you declare, there have been countless individuals who have actually been helped through the honest efforts of others.

What have I "declared"??!
I'm not denying that some people can be helped by laypeople. But not everyone can.

Your declaration on that actually sounds a lot like "Don't touch me! Leave me alone! I want to wallow in my own self-pity! So go away! I'll get over this completely on my OWN and don't need or want anyone's help!"

Can you honestly deny that?

My experience is that other, "normal" people, consider those who have been abused to be "damaged goods", and that once abused or raped, you can't be a decent person anymore.
My experience is that "normal" people shun those who have been abused.

The abused ones are better off without such "helpers" who in fact inherently despise them because of the past abuse.

How is preferring professional help over lay help a declaration that actually sounds a lot like "Don't touch me! Leave me alone! I want to wallow in my own self-pity! So go away! I'll get over this completely on my OWN and don't need or want anyone's help!"?

 

[water]

I think your stance is beautiful, but very idealistic, I have to say so.

Someone has to take up a sword and slash through the forest to get to Sleeping Beauty. The motivation is to awaken the beauty that has been poisoned.

I cut myself on enough thorns to get through to my sleeping beauty ten years ago but boy was the kiss from her lips worth it.

You helped ONE person.

And what if the "sleeping beauty" isn't a beauty? Then she is not worth to be helped, right?

 

[c20H25N3o]

You helped ONE person.

How many relationships would you have me pursue at once?

And what if the "sleeping beauty" isn't a beauty? Then she is not worth to be helped, right?

I am already in a relationship with her remember and I find her beautiful, special, worth making the initial contact with.

If someone doesn't find you physically or mentally attractive enough to want to start a relationship with you then thats just tough, nothing to do with being worthy of their help or not. This is the same for people who havn't been abused. It's just life.


peace

c20

 

[water]

How many relationships would you have me pursue at once?

I am just skeptical about the path of love that you advised, for a person to recover.
It's probably the rarest.

If someone doesn't find you physically or mentally attractive enough to want to start a relationship with you then thats just tough, nothing to do with being worthy of their help or not. This is the same for people who havn't been abused. It's just life.

This is why your advice on love is idealistic.
Love isn't something to depend upon, ultimately.

 

[c20H25N3o]

I am just skeptical about the path of love that you advised, for a person to recover.

Is your skepticism valid or might it be the effects of the poison I mentioned? Please give reasons behind your answer.

This is why your advice on love is idealistic.
Love isn't something to depend upon, ultimately.

Let's not move the goal posts here. What you are saying now is "If an abused person is ugly to you, would you pursue a relationship with them?"

To which my reply was, 'If I dont find someone physically or mentally attractive then I would not be pursuing a relationship with them anyway and would most likely never get to find out that they had been abused or not."

A relationship can only be formed where there is some sort of mutual attraction in the first place. Both will's must be involved.

peace

c20

 

[cosmictraveler]

True, and a great source of problems. Not everyone who asks for help is capable of determining within a short time whether the help that has been offered is really good for them. This is why they may persist in hopeless situations with "helpers".

I'd suggest professional help if I felt they needed it and I could not help them at all.

 

[water]

Is your skepticism valid or might it be the effects of the poison I mentioned? Please give reasons behind your answer.

What poison?

I simply don't think that a person with problems should hope that one day they will be loved, and then their healing can finally begin. Maybe they'll have to do all the recovery work by themselves with no support form someone who would love them.

Let's not move the goal posts here. What you are saying now is "If an abused person is ugly to you, would you pursue a relationship with them?"

No, I'm not saying that.

 

[c20H25N3o]

What poison?

I simply don't think that a person with problems should hope that one day they will be loved, and then their healing can finally begin.

So why post a topic about romantic pursuit? Why not post a topic along the lines of 'What is the best way to deal with an abused person when you discover they have been abused?' or
'What can an abused person hope for in any kind of relationship?'

Had you asked a question not dedicated to romantic pursuit then my response may have been very different.

Do you see?

peace

c20

 

[Roman]

Light,

Ignoring and abandoning is a very common way of dealing with problems in today's world.

What made you feel you had to tack on "today's world"? That somehow we were more sensitive a century ago? Yesteryear's better than today?

Bullshit. We wallow in our own self pity. Have a problem? Go bitch to your friends, your shrink, a counselor, strangers. It's more ok than ever to complain about all the pathetic shit you can't cope with. It's digusting really, how people can no longer cope. It used to be people were tough and could handle their problems.

But in today's world, most people are weak and feel compelled to have a professional caress their ego, tell them they're ok, and if they're still feeling down, drug them.

 

[Hapsburg]

'Tell ya on thing: If that woman complains and bitches and "ca-caws" about her problems...

"...Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta choke a bitch?"
-Wayne Brady.

Just jokin', I ain't no wayne brady. As long as the woman cares about me and I care about her, I'll help her to get help from a professional therapist.

 

[Light]

Light,


What made you feel you had to tack on "today's world"? That somehow we were more sensitive a century ago? Yesteryear's better than today?

Bullshit. We wallow in our own self pity. Have a problem? Go bitch to your friends, your shrink, a counselor, strangers. It's more ok than ever to complain about all the pathetic shit you can't cope with. It's digusting really, how people can no longer cope. It used to be people were tough and could handle their problems.

But in today's world, most people are weak and feel compelled to have a professional caress their ego, tell them they're ok, and if they're still feeling down, drug them.

I completely fail to see your point, Roman. Look at your post again. You take a position in the first paragraph and then contradict it in the next two. :bugeye:

 

[Roman]

Are you really that thick? That was a rhetorical question. Durrrr......