Would you pursue a romantic relationship with someone who has been sexually abused?

[water]

antifreeze, tablariddim, and all those who have voted no:


Consider this example: You are seeing someone, things are going really great, you like eachother very much -- and one day you find out the other person has been raped or sexually abused prior to your meeting, or recently.

What do you do? Do you break up with them? If yes, why?



* * *


cosmictraveler,

What has happened to someone that they couldn't prevent should NOT be held against them.

This is an extremely questionable statement, inviting pity.
What can be prevented, what cannot be prevented? Many peope think that rape victims are to blame for having been raped, they could have prevented it, but they choose not to.

If anything we should be more supportive of those people that were taken advantage of by giving them our trust and understanding to help them overcome the emotional scars left behind to ease them into a loving and warm relationship. By not hurting them more by not accepting them because of something that they didn't do, then we are responsible to insuring their recovery by telling them they are just fine now and hold them tightly.

That may sound nice. But tell that to a rape victim.

Most people are NOT QUALIFIED to properly deal with abuse, most people are NOT QUALIFIED to help a victim of abuse.

What happens is that many people who try to "help", end up quasi-psychologizing and pitying the abused person, which only makes it harder for the person to deal with past and current problems.

Thinking that "holding them and telling them things will be alright and that they are just fine" might work in a film, but not necessarily in real life. And when it doesn't work, the "helper" is likely filled with resentment against the other person, thinking that they "don't want to accept help".

Not every "help" is good.


* * *


Russ723,

Why mention it as relationship criteria?

Because it is. At least for those who have answered with a clear no.


* * *


Quantum Quack,

What do you feel is the most important aspect of the psychology of a "victim of sexual abuse" needs to deal with?

I wouldn't know.

Is it a question of trust?

I think this is misleading. Trust is a feeling in your gut, and the other person cannot influence that -- in the sense that they could change that gut feeling in you in that they speak to you in a certain way or give you certain information.

An extreme experience like rape may amplify a person's sensitivity to that gut feeling (which results in trusting less than one was used to -- but then again, we aren't meant to trust many people anyway), but that experience may also make a person paranoid, unable to interpret their gut feeling properly.



* * *

esp,

Does the act of sexual assault cause an individual to cease to be an person?

It may, the afflicted person may perceive himself or herself as less of a person afterwards.

Also, and this moreso, other people upon hearing that a person has been a victim of rape may discard that person and consider them "damaged goods", impossible to repair, forever filthy.

And is the relationship to be pursued to be primarily and initially sexual?

If indeed the relationship is to be romantically based, and the individual reciprocates the romantic feelings, why should they not be made to feel loved, wanted and safe just as any unviolated person?

So long as the abusee is of a sufficient psychological state to be amenable to loving nurture and support, I would have no compunction whatsoever.

Why not?


* * *


Roman,

Not that'd I'd go for any rape victim, but if I find her physically attractive.... Who the hell am I kidding? I have yet to turn anyone down I find sexually appealing.

Why do you think that "rape victim" and "sexually appealing" are not mutually exclusive?

Like, if she didn't want to go, no pressure. But if it's all, "let's make out Roman, oh and by the way I got raped once." I might get freaked out, but not freaked out enough.

Why would you be freaked out?

Besides, broken chicks are hot.

What do you mean by that? Explain.

 

[john smith]

My wife was abused by her aunt's 2nd husband when she was 8. Her whole family turned against her when she blabbed as they thought she was attention seeking and couldn't understand why she was so persistant. Her grandmother died not believing her. The truth did come out eventually and he was caught abusing children from another relationship.
Whilst it made her very wary of people in general and very distrusting of men, I didn't see this as any kind of baggage that I didnt want to pick up when we met. My love for her was genuine and to my mind that was all I could (and do) give. I think she was more pleased that I wasn't going to focus on her past and I never have. Ten years on and those proverbial demons have no power, her faith is restored, not by addressing the past but by loving the present and being hopeful for the future. Love is the light that shines in the darkness. Don't get involved with someone who has been hurt if you have no intention of remaining loyal to them. You will only enhance their feelings of mistrust.

peace

c20

Thats beautiful man :m:

 

[milkweed]

I would have to say it would depend. Sexual abuse implys systematic abuse that may or may not have been of years worth of duration, years during the developmental stage of the persons psyche. The long term effects of this abuse have an impact that people with no, or even limited comprehension of the effects of this kind of abuse would struggle with. Most people would struggle under the best conditions to develop a long lasting relationship with the person who was victimised under this scenario. It takes two to make a relationship last, especially for the long term. Which is what I think you mean.

And if you dont mean potentially long term for this relationship I would have to say no. I would not pursue a relationship with someone who has endured years worth of abuse. I would not want to hurt them further. They as human beings have expectations when begining a relationship and I wouldnt want to cause them further pain by misleading them in my own level of commitment.

Someone who has been raped once, while potentially experiencing PTSD and/or other mental effects, still has a better chance of resolving this issue and being mentally healthy. It would be easier for me to adapt to this persons needs and not cause them further pain. So yes, I could see myself pursuing a romantic relationship with a rape survivor.

For someone who was sexually abused by a priest for example, yes, again I think I could pursue a romatic relationship with this person. While probably this abuse may have been systematic in nature, it could be something that may be resolved better by the victim than say, systematic sexual abuse by the biological father.

So I cannot answer the poll. I have both yes and no conditions.

 

[Quantum Quack]

it's a bit like asking a man if he demands all his romantic partners to be virgins..... "damaged goods and filthy", sheesh !!!

Water,
where have those words come from?

 

[Baron Max]

Most people are NOT QUALIFIED to properly deal with abuse, most people are NOT QUALIFIED to help a victim of abuse.

That sounds like a damned good reason not to get romantically involved with a victim of sexual abuse.

For me, it's not the sexual abuse that's at issue ...it's the psychological baggage that she would probably carry with her because of it. It would be the same with any other psychological baggage ...she wouldn't be worth the effort! ...and more so because, as you've stated, most people aren't qualified to help.

Baron Max

 

[c20H25N3o]

Most people are NOT QUALIFIED to properly deal with abuse, most people are NOT QUALIFIED to help a victim of abuse.

Love requires no qualifications.

c20

 

[Light]

Love requires no qualifications.

c20

While that is very true, you're missing the whole point. Unless you are able to deal with it, you could wind up being a basket case yourself. That's a nice, wholesome mantra you've expressed but it doesn't take into accound the amount of abuse, bitterness, rejection, dissappointment, etc. that YOU could wind up being handed.

Try applying a little depth of thought here. You're not talking about someone who is simply "different."

 

[c20H25N3o]

While that is very true, you're missing the whole point. Unless you are able to deal with it, you could wind up being a basket case yourself. That's a nice, wholesome mantra you've expressed but it doesn't take into accound the amount of abuse, bitterness, rejection, dissappointment, etc. that YOU could wind up being handed.

Try applying a little depth of thought here. You're not talking about someone who is simply "different."

This is why I had a little caveat in a previous post ...

Don't get involved with someone who has been hurt if you have no intention of remaining loyal to them. You will only enhance their feelings of mistrust.

True love will bear all of those things "abuse, bitterness, rejection, dissappointment" . When the abused realised that they are being loved unconditionally, the proverbial demons lose their power. My relationship is testimony to this.

peace

c20

 

[water]

it's a bit like asking a man if he demands all his romantic partners to be virgins..... "damaged goods and filthy", sheesh !!!

Water,
where have those words come from?

Real life.

 

[water]

Love requires no qualifications.

Love is not enough.

 

[cosmictraveler]

This is an extremely questionable statement, inviting pity.

If you felt that is what I ment then you took it the wrong way.

That may sound nice. But tell that to a rape victim.

I can't but I only stated what we should do in case we should happen to find someone like that who has been abused. I think consoling someone is helpful in bringing them back to feeling OK about themselves after such an experiance, don't you, or do you see another way in helping them other than this?

 

[c20H25N3o]

Love is not enough.

It is if expressed in action and faithfulness. Love will stick with it till the bitter end no matter the personal cost. Love will hope all things and will not be provoked no matter what is thrown at it. Love is more than enough.

peace

c20

 

[water]

That sounds like a damned good reason not to get romantically involved with a victim of sexual abuse.

But say the case would be that the two of you get along well, without you knowing of her being raped. And then one day you find out. What do you do? Do you break up with her?

 

[water]

I can't but I only stated what we should do in case we should happen to find someone like that who has been abused. I think consoling someone is helpful in bringing them back to feeling OK about themselves after such an experiance, don't you, or do you see another way in helping them other than this?

And you think simply holding them and be nice to them will help them?
I can tell you it does not help, at least not as a rule.

 

[water]

It is if expressed in action and faithfulness. Love will stick with it till the bitter end no matter the personal cost. Love will hope all things and will not be provoked no matter what is thrown at it. Love is more than enough.

It may be enough if the person was not severly traumatized.
But in severe cases, "love" will only do even more harm.

 

[c20H25N3o]

....
But in severe cases, "love" will only do even more harm.

Can you qualify that statement so I can appreciate the context.

Thanks

c20

 

[water]

Can you qualify that statement so I can appreciate the context.

If the abused person has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, severely damaged self-esteem, poor personal boundaries, to name just the most obvious, then they may likely misinterpret "love" as a try to control them and manipulate them.
But, unqualified people, who try to "love" such a person, may indeed act on their need to control or manipulate (even though this may not be apparent to themselves), while thinking they love the other person. They say "I love you, I'm there for you", but are in fact controllers.
This negatively affects the other person. A controller cannot be trusted.

 

[c20H25N3o]

they [abused person] may likely misinterpret "love" as a try to control them and manipulate them.

They say [unqualified people] "I love you, I'm there for you", but are in fact controllers.

So here the abused misinterprets love and the unqualified person is actually just a person who likes to control vulnerable people and calls it 'love' .

True love which I am speaking of is not taken into account in the scenario you present and therefore I still have to disagree with your statement that "love" will only do even more harm in severe cases. False controlling "love" sure but real love?

peace

c20

 

[water]

For those who could not answer the poll, as it offers no third option:

Choice of friends and romance partners is always a matter of "it depends" anyway, so I saw no need to offer up that option.
Everyone has problems, everyone has issues to deal with, and people are not all doing equally well at it.

It's not the *degree* of consequences of sexual abuse and rape and how well the person copes with them that I'm interested in, but the *fact* of being sexually abused or raped -- and how this affects other people's course of action and affection towards those who have been abused.


* * *

On a general note, I find that many people take the attitude of trying to help such a person, and also to "cut them some slack".

Like, "Don't be too hard on her. She's been abused by her father. Have some understanding for her, she can't deal with life very well due to that." -- I think this is an extremely unhealthy approach to victims, as it makes them "special", this way, they are neither expected nor encouraged to act responsibly in their lives, and an are treated as something less than humans. This "cutting them some slack" actually perpetuates the abuse.


How come so many people wish to help those victims? What motivates them to help?
Consider that very few people have the professional background to deal with such matters, but many people insist on helping anyway.

 

[water]

True love which I am speaking of is not taken into account in the scenario you present and therefore I still have to disagree with your statement that "love" will only do even more harm in severe cases. False controlling "love" sure but real love?

I doubt many people are capable of true love, as you speak of it.

Also, how could the relationship with a victim of abuse progress so far that real love would develop in it?
Or would you love someone *because* they have been abused, and then wait for the person to come out of the dark tunnel, while you remain unloved, waiting for them to recover and become able to love you?