The God of the Old Testament
(Imagined)
Of all my rotten luck, The God of the Old Testament
Appeared and proclaimed, “I am Yahweh, never absent,
For, those schooled from infancy in My strange ways
Have become desensitized to MY horrific side
And so they continue to keep Me very much alive
Through their thoughts; so, Fire away at Me;
I no longer bite that hard, you see.”
“You’re too easy of a target to attack for free—
So it would be rather unfair of me.”
“True, and I won’t deny it—
It’s all there in the Testament.
I was the most unpleasant character
That anyone ever made up in literary fiction.
“I was revealed to be jealous and proud of it,
Petty, unjust, controlling, vindictive,
An ethic cleanser, genocidal, infanticidal,
Filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal,
Homophobic, misogynistic, sadomasochistic,
And much more, and a Bully—who gave it
Free will only if it matched My own Will.”
“Peace be with you.
How about the New Testament
To replace and hide Your scent,
As many religions have already
Done through Jesus sent?”
“Yes, that Testament is quite opposite in tone,
But I am still the Father of Jesus sown,
So, the problem of Me can never really go away.
I am what I was, still here unto the present day.”
“Well, so long. You’re the worst role model, yet,
That human mammals have ever dreamed up.
Who would imitate, emulate,
Or follow You as a ‘leader’?”
“Well, My followers are those numerous slaves
Who excuse my mysterious [insane] ways,
Along with my exclusive desert tribe.”
“Well, You’re the Boss, and, anyway,
Who ever said that a God had to be perfect and good?”
“Everyone that I told—and those who thought I should.”
“Oh well, never mind; whatever pleases.
So, um, Joseph was not
The biological father of Jesus?”
“No, I was.”
“So Jesus didn’t really descend from David?”
“That was on his mother’s side.”
“Well, my ancestors descended from the trees.
Hey, why don’t Catholics get the 72 virgins
That Islam gives for martyrdom for their sins?”
“I told each religious faith a different story.”
“You also gave a bible half-different
To the Mormon founder,
Joseph Smith, finely engraved
On golden plates he discovered?”
“Sure. I thought at the time ‘why not’.”
“You had Islam add different things
To their Koran, as well?”
“Yes of the many more ways to avoid Hell.”
“And You told only the Catholics
That there were umpteen levels of angels
And that bread was your body
And that wine was your blood?”
“Yep, I told just them and a few other selves,
But they made up the Saints themselves.”
“And You presented differing visions
To the Lutherans,
The Episcopals, and the Jewish,
And to many other also-rans?”
“Pretty much, except that a King of England
Founded the Episcopals—the Anglicans, of course,
Since his own religion wouldn’t give him a divorce.”
“And you killed everyone but Noah
And his family in the Great Flood, wet,
Even young children and their pets?”
“Sure, again, why not? Life is cheap.
However, My creation of the rainbow
Says that I’ll never be so cruel again.
What can I say—I goofed. My sin.”
“But You are infallible, and even omniscient
And so You know all of the future meant.”
“My omnipotence of changing my mind got in the way.”
“But your omniscience knew you would… one day.”
“Yeah, I know—it’s a paradox; oh, the strife.
And I can still technically end all life
By means other than a flood.”
“You burned people in Hell, not saved,
When they didn’t follow
The unfree will that you gave?”
“Yes, because I was not a loving God.”
“Well. God, who made You?”
“No problem—either I was Eternal or I made Myself be”
“This is remarkably the same, but for Thee,
As the Universal ingredients would be.”
“Then who would need me—wait,
I don’t want the answer told.”
“Is the Earth only about 4000 years old?”
“Of course not, but I may have let that slip to some
To tease their intelligence apart from being dumb.”
“Do you mind-read
The thoughts of every human,
Using all of your acumen,
And write the earthly script
For each event,
Being so omnipresent?”
“I tried that, at first, but it didn’t work for Me
To put my finger on every atom that be
And micromanage its doings for all of thee.”
“That’s called ‘God’s Will’, by some, even now.
What went wrong? Was it the where and how?”
“It disrupted the atoms’ normal & natural movements.”
“And that’s what caused the storms unfocused,
The lightning bolts, and the plagues of locusts?”
“Yes, so I stopped making such a mess of things.”
“So, the prayers of six million Jews, pleaded,
In the holocaust, went all unheeded?”
“Yes, plus I have better things to do, my sooth,
Than look after some old experiment of Mine
From my misspent youth.”
“Did you really make Adam and Eve
And all of Earth and Nature, as we believe?”
“Yes, I made Nature,
Including the humans, in My image.”
“It shows in their rage.”
“Thank you.”
“God, it’s ID deja-vu all over again—
I really have to move on.”
“No, wait. I like your questions.
I’m mellower now, this being My new direction.
Not as many strictly admit to Me anymore.”
“How come so many of the gospels were omitted
From the New Catholic Testament,
Like those of Thomas, Peter, Nicodemus,
Philip, Bartholomew, and more,
As well as whole books kept from us,
Although You told some other religions to keep them,
Such as the Book of Revelations?”
“Those gospels were embarrassing and wild;
They told about My Son doing magic tricks
And practical jokes on people when He was a child.”
“Oh, we never heard much about his youth.
And didn’t You send the Mormons proof
That Jesus spent an early era
In what was to become America?”
“Probably.”
“What about the trillions of galaxies in the sky?”
“They’re just for show and scenery on high.”
“Where’s all your rantings and ravings
That I’ve heard about?”
“I now take Prozac for My mood swings and bouts.”
“You don’t really exist, do You, as mental,
For how could You have an emotional system—
A composite—and still be absolute and fundamental?”
“No, I don’t exist, for how could I since I am so horrible?
Human mammals made all of Me up
As a very bad example,
As it turned out, from their many fears
In the childhood of their species’ years.
Unfortunately, it caught on to their children’s ears.”
“So, yet You still subsist
In this indefinite locus of wishes?”
“Yes, sort of.
I am sustained here since many children
Have learned to obey and listen
To what is/was told to them,
For this obeying was an
Evolutionarily useful thing,
As many of their obedience
Resulted from warnings of things
That were truly dangerous,
And so the children grew up
To indoctrinate their own children
In all the ‘knowledge’.”
“We’ll have to offer more reason
To those so indoctrinated.
Now farewell to You, the impersonated.”
“See you. Pay no attention to Me as certain,
But to all those blinded by the curtain.”
He soon dozed off into never land.
