The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!
- Thread starter The Flemster
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Heh heh.
A man goes to his doctors to pick up his wife's test results.
DOC: I'm affraid there's bad news.
MAN: What is it?
DOC: Well, we're not sure. Your wife has either Alzheimers or AIDS.
MAN: Bloody hell! Well, which one is it?
DOC: Dunno. But there is a test you can do.
MAN: Which is...?
DOC: Put her in your car and drive her out into the middle of nowhere.
MAN:Then...?
DOC: Leave her there. If she find's her way home, don't fuck her.
Boom Boom!
The Flemster.
(I heard about 10 corkers last night but those evil beer fairies have eradicated them from my short-term... bastards!)
A man goes to his doctors to pick up his wife's test results.
DOC: I'm affraid there's bad news.
MAN: What is it?
DOC: Well, we're not sure. Your wife has either Alzheimers or AIDS.
MAN: Bloody hell! Well, which one is it?
DOC: Dunno. But there is a test you can do.
MAN: Which is...?
DOC: Put her in your car and drive her out into the middle of nowhere.
MAN:Then...?
DOC: Leave her there. If she find's her way home, don't fuck her.
Boom Boom!
The Flemster.
(I heard about 10 corkers last night but those evil beer fairies have eradicated them from my short-term... bastards!)
man goes into a whore house, the madam say's, what can I do for you.
he say's, I'd like one of your women, but I've only got a doller.
she say's, theres a maniquin, in room one thats a doller.
so in he goes, when he's finished. the madam say's was that good.
oh yes, he say's but the maniquin, kept crying pearlly tear's. and the madam yells "ETHEL YOU'VE FORGOT TO EMPTY THE MANIQUIN AGAIN" .
he say's, I'd like one of your women, but I've only got a doller.
she say's, theres a maniquin, in room one thats a doller.
so in he goes, when he's finished. the madam say's was that good.
oh yes, he say's but the maniquin, kept crying pearlly tear's. and the madam yells "ETHEL YOU'VE FORGOT TO EMPTY THE MANIQUIN AGAIN" .
THE MIDDLE EAST PHRASE BOOK
Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.
Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.
Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.
Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Khrel, Jepaheh Maneh Va Jayeii Amrikahey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head with my legs apart.
Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Howmaeh Fekr Tamomeh Oeh Gorteh Bande
I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.
Balli, Balli, Balli
Whatever you say.
Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir Behmeshvarehma.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
Q-- How many sugars does Christopher Reeve take in his coffee?
A-- *blinks twice*.
The Flemster.
A-- *blinks twice*.
The Flemster.
What happens when a Paki eats a rat?
He will have more brains in his stomach.
What do you do to make a Paki pay attention to you?
Start your sentence with the word Kashmir.
What is black & brown and looks good on Paki?
A Doberman.
You're looked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler & a Paki. You have a gun with only 2 bullets. what do you do?
Shoot the Paki twice to make sure he is dead
He will have more brains in his stomach.
What do you do to make a Paki pay attention to you?
Start your sentence with the word Kashmir.
What is black & brown and looks good on Paki?
A Doberman.
You're looked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Adolf Hitler & a Paki. You have a gun with only 2 bullets. what do you do?
Shoot the Paki twice to make sure he is dead
A white man walks into a pub in Oldham, totally shattered, screaming “All Muslims are shitheads".
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take serious offense to that ! It's a bloody lie !”
The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Muslim?”
He replies proudly, “No. I'm a shithead.”
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take serious offense to that ! It's a bloody lie !”
The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Muslim?”
He replies proudly, “No. I'm a shithead.”
Vienna said:
The first statment -all muslims are shitheads- does not imply that -all shitheads are muslims-.
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
2 in the front, 2 in the back and the rest in the ash tray.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Why don't black people like to take aspirin?
They have to pick cotten to get at it.
2 in the front, 2 in the back and the rest in the ash tray.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Why don't black people like to take aspirin?
They have to pick cotten to get at it.
Vienna said:
Sold!
I'm using that one tonight!
The Flemster.
slotty said:Spurious, its just a juke dude. Chill
That is my problem with it. Not the political correctnes. I don't give a shit about that.
The false relationship between the two statements make the joke not funny... i.e. a very bad joke.
spuriousmonkey said:
Surely your statement is incorrect.
What makes a joke bad?
It's all subjective.
This is an offensive jokes thread-- not a joke disection page, so put up or fuck off (!)
The Flemster.
I see now why that joke was offensive.
It was offensive to anyone's intelligence.
My mistake.
It was offensive to anyone's intelligence.
My mistake.
this american is in london in a taxi.
he look out of the window, and say's what's that building there.
the taxi driver say's, the bank ok england.
the american say's back in the states, we have bank's ten time's bigger then that.
a little futher on, the american see london bridge, and say's we have bridge's ten time's bigger than that.
suddenly the american spy's a buliding, with a lot of people standing outside looking dum, and he say's see that lil hol building there, we have one ten time's bigger than that.
and the taxi driver say's I'm not surprised, that's a lunatic asylum.
this londoner, goes to texas for a holiday, walk's into a reaturant,and sit's down, a waiter come's over, and say's what would you like.
the londoner say's a nice steak, and a pint of beer.
the waiter say's sorry, we dont do pint's of beer, only quart's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that, and a glass of whisky.
the waiter say's we dont do, glasses only jug's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that, and a cup of coffee after my meal.(slightly pissed off)
the waiter say's sorry, we dont do cups only mug's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that.(really pissed off)
thank you.
as he's leaving the waiter say's, how would you like your steak sir.
the londoner say's cut it's horn's and tail off and wipe it's arse and that'll do.
he look out of the window, and say's what's that building there.
the taxi driver say's, the bank ok england.
the american say's back in the states, we have bank's ten time's bigger then that.
a little futher on, the american see london bridge, and say's we have bridge's ten time's bigger than that.
suddenly the american spy's a buliding, with a lot of people standing outside looking dum, and he say's see that lil hol building there, we have one ten time's bigger than that.
and the taxi driver say's I'm not surprised, that's a lunatic asylum.
this londoner, goes to texas for a holiday, walk's into a reaturant,and sit's down, a waiter come's over, and say's what would you like.
the londoner say's a nice steak, and a pint of beer.
the waiter say's sorry, we dont do pint's of beer, only quart's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that, and a glass of whisky.
the waiter say's we dont do, glasses only jug's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that, and a cup of coffee after my meal.(slightly pissed off)
the waiter say's sorry, we dont do cups only mug's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that.(really pissed off)
thank you.
as he's leaving the waiter say's, how would you like your steak sir.
the londoner say's cut it's horn's and tail off and wipe it's arse and that'll do.
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Nice ones pavlosmarcos. True story this, friends of mines parents, on a fly drive holiday in texas, stop at this little town called armpit, windsock, whatever. Anyways they are real foodies, and of course love their drink.
They are in a bar, and have a bottle of Bud each. They decide to stay a while and have another drink. My mates mum goes up to the bar and says in her perfect Queens english, "yes, this budwieser is very crisp to the taste, but i was wondering, do you have anything a little drier? " the barman gave her a funny look and said, "No lady,all our drinks are wet".
They are in a bar, and have a bottle of Bud each. They decide to stay a while and have another drink. My mates mum goes up to the bar and says in her perfect Queens english, "yes, this budwieser is very crisp to the taste, but i was wondering, do you have anything a little drier? " the barman gave her a funny look and said, "No lady,all our drinks are wet".
spuriousmonkey said:
No, seriously, Monkeynuts, if you can't get into the swing of things then bugger off to another thread.
No one is required to have intelligence on this thread, you arrogant prick, so stop getting all menstrual about it.
(I guess we've finally found someone who is offended by these jokes. Perhaps monkeys can't read thread titles...)
The Flemster.
Ronald Reagan recently died and went to heaven, and there he met Saint Peter. He started to look around and he noticed there were thousands of clocks everywhere. As he looked over at one he noticed that the hand moved just two ticks.
He asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks in heaven?"
Saint Peter answered, "Well, every time someone on earth has a wank - their clock moves one second."
Reagan said, "OK, I think I get it, which one is spuriousmonkey's clock?"
Saint Peter answers, "God has it up in his office, he's using it as a FAN!"
He asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks in heaven?"
Saint Peter answered, "Well, every time someone on earth has a wank - their clock moves one second."
Reagan said, "OK, I think I get it, which one is spuriousmonkey's clock?"
Saint Peter answers, "God has it up in his office, he's using it as a FAN!"
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