it's not a question of liking babies... it's just.... eeew.
The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!
- Thread starter The Flemster
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Hmm, do you think this is offensive too?
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
hey guys, just spent an hour or so laughing my arse off at some of these jokes, and felt that i had to register and have my say
i have a few old ones, mostly pertaining to british disasters.
what has four legs and goes woof
Piper Alpha
anybody want to buy a lorry - fell of the back of a ferry
what does NASA stand for
need another seven astronauts
why was there only one black astronaut on the shuttle when it crashed (the first one)
they did not know it was going to crash
what do you call a pakistani lesbian
mingeeta
what do you call a pakistani lesbian wearing a bullet proof vest
mingeeta pting ptang
what do you call a paki that shags sheep
ramalam
what do you call 500 pakis running down the street
hindi 500
will post more when my brain lets me
keep on laughing
i have a few old ones, mostly pertaining to british disasters.
what has four legs and goes woof
Piper Alpha
anybody want to buy a lorry - fell of the back of a ferry
what does NASA stand for
need another seven astronauts
why was there only one black astronaut on the shuttle when it crashed (the first one)
they did not know it was going to crash
what do you call a pakistani lesbian
mingeeta
what do you call a pakistani lesbian wearing a bullet proof vest
mingeeta pting ptang
what do you call a paki that shags sheep
ramalam
what do you call 500 pakis running down the street
hindi 500
will post more when my brain lets me
keep on laughing
Thought of some more guys! These are not truly offensive - well maybe just a wee bit.
What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
How do you swat 200 flies at one time
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
So it doesn't split when you fuck it.
What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
Drowns.
What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
What do 54,000-abused woman every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen.
keep it real
What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
How do you swat 200 flies at one time
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
So it doesn't split when you fuck it.
What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
Drowns.
What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
What do 54,000-abused woman every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen.
keep it real
what's the most intelligent thing, that's come out of a womans mouth,
einsteins cock.
einsteins cock.
OK, here's a slightly offensive and gross joke.
One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself.
The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times. So, she kills him.
The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother, and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times.
The youngest brother then goes to the lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and then says "What about 100 times? Or 200?"
The mermaid goes "Err, you think that you can handle it?"
And he replies "Sure! How do you think all the cows died???"
One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself.
The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times. So, she kills him.
The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother, and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times.
The youngest brother then goes to the lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and then says "What about 100 times? Or 200?"
The mermaid goes "Err, you think that you can handle it?"
And he replies "Sure! How do you think all the cows died???"
OK, here's another slightly childish one, but I cracked up when I heard it.
Two whites were captured by a tribe of aboriginals. The tribe go "You have trespassed on our land, you must be punished. You can either be punished by "Bogga Bogga", or death".
So, the first guy goes "AWWW... I don't want to die, so I'll take Bogga Bogga". Anyway, the tribe rape the man, and then let him go.
The second guy is disgusted, and says "I'll take death!". So the leader of the tribe goes "OK. You are sentenced to death... by Bogga Bogga!"
Two whites were captured by a tribe of aboriginals. The tribe go "You have trespassed on our land, you must be punished. You can either be punished by "Bogga Bogga", or death".
So, the first guy goes "AWWW... I don't want to die, so I'll take Bogga Bogga". Anyway, the tribe rape the man, and then let him go.
The second guy is disgusted, and says "I'll take death!". So the leader of the tribe goes "OK. You are sentenced to death... by Bogga Bogga!"
Blonde Joke:
One day a blonde woke up feeling really good and intelligent, so she decided to take a walk to work and enjoy the city.
On the way to work she stops at a shop and looked through the window and saw the one thing she always wanted, so she decided to enter the shop to buy it.
She goes up to the counter and asks the man if she can buy the tv on display
The man replys "Nope I don't sell anything to blondes"
So she stomps out of the store really mad. The next day she dyes her hair red and goes back to the shop and asks the man again.
The man replys "Nope I don't sell anything to blondes"
So she starts getting angry and decides to turn dye her hair brown. The next day she goes back to the shop and the man refuses to give her service again!
So finally the blonde decides to dye her hair completely black, she goes back to the store and demands the tv.
The man says "I told you once and I told you twice, I do not sell anything to blondes"
The blonde replies " I don't get it, when I was blonde you wouldn't sell it to me, when I was redhead you wouldn't sell it, then I was brown and now I have black hair, how do you know I'm blonde?!?"
The man replies "Cause that's not a tv, its a microwave".
One day a blonde woke up feeling really good and intelligent, so she decided to take a walk to work and enjoy the city.
On the way to work she stops at a shop and looked through the window and saw the one thing she always wanted, so she decided to enter the shop to buy it.
She goes up to the counter and asks the man if she can buy the tv on display
The man replys "Nope I don't sell anything to blondes"
So she stomps out of the store really mad. The next day she dyes her hair red and goes back to the shop and asks the man again.
The man replys "Nope I don't sell anything to blondes"
So she starts getting angry and decides to turn dye her hair brown. The next day she goes back to the shop and the man refuses to give her service again!
So finally the blonde decides to dye her hair completely black, she goes back to the store and demands the tv.
The man says "I told you once and I told you twice, I do not sell anything to blondes"
The blonde replies " I don't get it, when I was blonde you wouldn't sell it to me, when I was redhead you wouldn't sell it, then I was brown and now I have black hair, how do you know I'm blonde?!?"
The man replies "Cause that's not a tv, its a microwave".
O.K. O.K. If the jokes are like that then......
Q: What's the best thing about screwing 28 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them
Q:Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A: A rape victim
Q: What's blue and doesn't fit?
A: A dead epileptic
we're all going to hell you know.......
Q: What's the best thing about screwing 28 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them
Q:Whats black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A: A rape victim
Q: What's blue and doesn't fit?
A: A dead epileptic
we're all going to hell you know.......
A
aleboy
Guest
A copper in Bradford stops a paki leading a cow down the street. He asks "What are you doing with a cow in the middle of town?" The paki says "I am taking it home to keep it in my house" The copper asks "What about all the flies and shit?" The paki says "It will just have to get used to them."
And....
What do you call a nigger with a BMW?
The Defendant.
And....
What do you call a nigger with a BMW?
The Defendant.
ok guys....so blondes are fair game eh!!
A blonde goes into a hairdresser's to get her hair cut, but she is wearing earphones. So the hairdresser says to her "you will have to take off your earphones so that i can cut your hair" but the blonde replies " i cant take them off you will have to work round them" but the hairdresser refuses, so after some arguing back and foth the blonde reluctantly aggrees to take her headphones off, and the hairdresser gets on with the haircut but after about two minutes the blonde goes all limp and falls out of the chair stone dead, the hairdresser calls an ambulance and while she is waiting for it to come she decides to see what the blonde was listening to, as she puts the earphones to her ear she hears a voice going breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out.
ok i kniow its not sick but i think its funny
A blonde goes into a hairdresser's to get her hair cut, but she is wearing earphones. So the hairdresser says to her "you will have to take off your earphones so that i can cut your hair" but the blonde replies " i cant take them off you will have to work round them" but the hairdresser refuses, so after some arguing back and foth the blonde reluctantly aggrees to take her headphones off, and the hairdresser gets on with the haircut but after about two minutes the blonde goes all limp and falls out of the chair stone dead, the hairdresser calls an ambulance and while she is waiting for it to come she decides to see what the blonde was listening to, as she puts the earphones to her ear she hears a voice going breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out.
ok i kniow its not sick but i think its funny
A man gets a phone call from the hospital telling him his wife has gone into labour. He rushes down there and bursts into the waiting room, surrounded by family and friends.
MAN: "Doctor! Is everything okay?"
DOC: "Yes yes, everything is fine. Your wife is alright and you have a lovely, healthy baby."
MAN: "Oh, thank god!"
DOC: "But I do need a word with you in private..."
The doctor then leads the man into a seperate room and locks the door behind them. Bemused, the man frowns at the doctor.
MAN: "I don't understand, doctor, what ever is the matter?"
The doctor spins round with a massive grin on his face.
DOC: "April Fools! Your wife is dead and your baby is a spastic!"
The Flemster.
MAN: "Doctor! Is everything okay?"
DOC: "Yes yes, everything is fine. Your wife is alright and you have a lovely, healthy baby."
MAN: "Oh, thank god!"
DOC: "But I do need a word with you in private..."
The doctor then leads the man into a seperate room and locks the door behind them. Bemused, the man frowns at the doctor.
MAN: "I don't understand, doctor, what ever is the matter?"
The doctor spins round with a massive grin on his face.
DOC: "April Fools! Your wife is dead and your baby is a spastic!"
The Flemster.
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