The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!
- Thread starter The Flemster
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A Little Poem,
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two nice men got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
Hehehe, not offencive, but rather amusing dontcha think??
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two nice men got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
Hehehe, not offencive, but rather amusing dontcha think??
T
themightyquins2005
Guest
Q: Whats black, blue and yellow and dont like sex very much?
A: The 6 year old chinese girl in the boot of my car!!!
A: The 6 year old chinese girl in the boot of my car!!!
How do u get a thousand babies into a telephone booth?
A blender
======
How do u get them out?
Chips
======
A car full of niggers and a car full of mexicans are racing down a hill. They both fall off a cliff at the same time, who wins?
Society
======
What's wrong with 15 niggers on a bus at the bottom of a pond?
The bus has 16 seats
======
What do you call a nigger on the moon?
Problem
How about 10 niggers?
Problem
100?
Big Problem
1000?
Bigger Problem
10000?
Huge Problem
All of them?
Problem solved
======
How do u kill a million flies?
Hit a Eutopian in the face with a pan
======
Whats the difference between a Cadillac and a thousand dead babies?
I don't have a cadillac in my garage
======
Whats the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my shoes off before I jump on the trampoline
======
What do u say when your tv starts floating in the middle of the night?
Drop it nigger
======
What do u call a million niggers running down a hill?
Jail break
======
How about a million mexicans?
Mudslide
======
Why do white people go to nigger garage sells?
To get their stuff back
======
What do u call a bunch of sky diving niggers?
Black out
======
How do u get a queer to fuck a black girl?
Take a shit in her cunt
======
Why do niggers have white palms?
Everyone has a little good in them
======
What do u call the holocaust?
Utopia
======
What do u call Hitler?
A genius
======
How long does it take for a nigger to take a shit?
9 months.
======
Ahhh and that's all I can think of for now, peace.
A blender
======
How do u get them out?
Chips
======
A car full of niggers and a car full of mexicans are racing down a hill. They both fall off a cliff at the same time, who wins?
Society
======
What's wrong with 15 niggers on a bus at the bottom of a pond?
The bus has 16 seats
======
What do you call a nigger on the moon?
Problem
How about 10 niggers?
Problem
100?
Big Problem
1000?
Bigger Problem
10000?
Huge Problem
All of them?
Problem solved
======
How do u kill a million flies?
Hit a Eutopian in the face with a pan
======
Whats the difference between a Cadillac and a thousand dead babies?
I don't have a cadillac in my garage
======
Whats the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my shoes off before I jump on the trampoline
======
What do u say when your tv starts floating in the middle of the night?
Drop it nigger
======
What do u call a million niggers running down a hill?
Jail break
======
How about a million mexicans?
Mudslide
======
Why do white people go to nigger garage sells?
To get their stuff back
======
What do u call a bunch of sky diving niggers?
Black out
======
How do u get a queer to fuck a black girl?
Take a shit in her cunt
======
Why do niggers have white palms?
Everyone has a little good in them
======
What do u call the holocaust?
Utopia
======
What do u call Hitler?
A genius
======
How long does it take for a nigger to take a shit?
9 months.
======
Ahhh and that's all I can think of for now, peace.
T
thefwf
Guest
What's better than winning the para olympics?
Having legs that work.
Having legs that work.
I knew George Best was dead before it was announced.
As I walked past my local butchers I saw the sign: Best liver for sale.
Groan...
The Flemster.
As I walked past my local butchers I saw the sign: Best liver for sale.
Groan...
The Flemster.
Two guys are deciding about which pub to go out to for the night.
One guy goes to the other: "Hey, let's go to this awesome pub which I heard about! It's amazing! The locals there buy you as much alcohol as you can drink. And then, afterwards, they take you out the back, where you can have as much kinky sex as you want!"
The second guy says: "That's amazing! Who told you about this place?"
And the first guy replies: "My sister."
One guy goes to the other: "Hey, let's go to this awesome pub which I heard about! It's amazing! The locals there buy you as much alcohol as you can drink. And then, afterwards, they take you out the back, where you can have as much kinky sex as you want!"
The second guy says: "That's amazing! Who told you about this place?"
And the first guy replies: "My sister."
Last edited:
Lol!
The teacher asks the class, ' Can anyone spell dictate?'
Rufus puts up his hand, the teacher acknowledges it. 'Go ahead Rufus, spell it '
'D-i-c-t-a-t-e', says Rufus
"Now use it in a sentence please Rufus"
Rufus looks around the room and spots Vanessa, ' Hey Vanessa, how'd my dic' tate last nite?
Rufus puts up his hand, the teacher acknowledges it. 'Go ahead Rufus, spell it '
'D-i-c-t-a-t-e', says Rufus
"Now use it in a sentence please Rufus"
Rufus looks around the room and spots Vanessa, ' Hey Vanessa, how'd my dic' tate last nite?
S
Sir Hamish
Guest
This joke could have been written for my home town as the two business enterprises I'm gonna mention are right beside each other in Main Street.
So, Tommy O'Brien was blind from birth but a very good looking bloke and a great hit with the ladies.
Being a very responsible person, every month he'd get the taxi to Flanagans Pharmacy to stock up on condoms.. The taxi would drop him at the same spot and he'd measure out the distance to the chemist shop to collect his rubbers.
One day, however, as he was in the midst of this process, he literally bumpted into some friends and they had a long chat about footie, music etc - all the local gossip.
This disorientated Tommy somewhat and he forgot the amount of steps he had taken so he had a guess and continued on.
Unfortunately, he overshot the runway and ended up in Byrons Shoe Shop next door to Flanagans.
The place was packed with pre-Christmas customers and the young lady shop assistant, rather flustered, hurridly went over to Tommy.
"What can I do for you sir?", she enquired.
Tommy: "I've come for a box of the usual"
Girl: "Eh, what size do yeh take?"
Tommy: "Jaysus, I've never been asked that before, don't know to be honest".
Girl:"No problem, I'll take a quick measure".
Tommy: "Fair enough"
So Tommy whips out his schlong to the horror of everyone.
Girl: "EEK, that's not a foot!!"
Tommy: "Damn fuckin' near it
So, Tommy O'Brien was blind from birth but a very good looking bloke and a great hit with the ladies.
Being a very responsible person, every month he'd get the taxi to Flanagans Pharmacy to stock up on condoms.. The taxi would drop him at the same spot and he'd measure out the distance to the chemist shop to collect his rubbers.
One day, however, as he was in the midst of this process, he literally bumpted into some friends and they had a long chat about footie, music etc - all the local gossip.
This disorientated Tommy somewhat and he forgot the amount of steps he had taken so he had a guess and continued on.
Unfortunately, he overshot the runway and ended up in Byrons Shoe Shop next door to Flanagans.
The place was packed with pre-Christmas customers and the young lady shop assistant, rather flustered, hurridly went over to Tommy.
"What can I do for you sir?", she enquired.
Tommy: "I've come for a box of the usual"
Girl: "Eh, what size do yeh take?"
Tommy: "Jaysus, I've never been asked that before, don't know to be honest".
Girl:"No problem, I'll take a quick measure".
Tommy: "Fair enough"
So Tommy whips out his schlong to the horror of everyone.
Girl: "EEK, that's not a foot!!"
Tommy: "Damn fuckin' near it
S
Sir Hamish
Guest
As an ex-teacher, we used to share the odd joke amongst the lads when the lady teachers had fucked off from the staff room. Here's one.
Young Mary Murphy was on her very first day as a teacher in a Dublin inner-city classroom, full of enthusiasm and eager to impart knowledge to her Primary School pupils.
"Now, boys and girls, pay attention, today we're going to learn about the alphabet.
Does anyone know what the first letter of the alphabet is?"
Nigella, class swot number 1, pipes up, "A", Miss.
Teacher: "Verrrrrry good, Nigella, now can you tell me a word beginning with the letter A?"
Nigella: "Apple", Miss!"
Teacher: "Excellent, anyone else got another example?"
Back row, class gurrier Mockser shouts out, "Miss, Miss, ARSE, that begins with A"
Teacher: "No, no, that's a very bold word, Mockser" Let's pass on to the letter B".
Class swot number 2 Patricia, squeals, "Beautiful, like you Miss"
Teacher: "Excellent, Patricia, thank you AND an adjective as well"
Mockser: "I-I-I've got one Miss, eh, bollix"
Teacher:"Now stop that Mockser, that is a very vulgar word"
Teacher:"Now, let's try a C word"
Damo, class four-eyes: "Eh, cow, Miss, that begins with C"
Teacher: "Great answer, Damo"
Mockser:"Ah Jaysus, Miss, I've a better C word.....cunt, Miss"
Teacher:"Mockser, I'm warning you now, NO MORE". Right, onto D words now"
Nigella: D starts the word dumpling, Miss"
Teacher: "Terrific, Nigella, any more D words.
Patricia: "Dublin, Miss"
Teacher:"Very apt, Patricia, given that we live here" Any more examples?"
Mockser:"Miss, Miss, I swear, I've got a nice word with a D starting it"
Teacher: You're on your final warning, Mockser - what is it?"
Mockser:"Dwarf, Miss - that's a D word"
Teacher:"Whew, very good, Mockser and what is a dwarf?"
Mockser:"It's a little cunt with a big arse and a small bollix"
Young Mary Murphy was on her very first day as a teacher in a Dublin inner-city classroom, full of enthusiasm and eager to impart knowledge to her Primary School pupils.
"Now, boys and girls, pay attention, today we're going to learn about the alphabet.
Does anyone know what the first letter of the alphabet is?"
Nigella, class swot number 1, pipes up, "A", Miss.
Teacher: "Verrrrrry good, Nigella, now can you tell me a word beginning with the letter A?"
Nigella: "Apple", Miss!"
Teacher: "Excellent, anyone else got another example?"
Back row, class gurrier Mockser shouts out, "Miss, Miss, ARSE, that begins with A"
Teacher: "No, no, that's a very bold word, Mockser" Let's pass on to the letter B".
Class swot number 2 Patricia, squeals, "Beautiful, like you Miss"
Teacher: "Excellent, Patricia, thank you AND an adjective as well"
Mockser: "I-I-I've got one Miss, eh, bollix"
Teacher:"Now stop that Mockser, that is a very vulgar word"
Teacher:"Now, let's try a C word"
Damo, class four-eyes: "Eh, cow, Miss, that begins with C"
Teacher: "Great answer, Damo"
Mockser:"Ah Jaysus, Miss, I've a better C word.....cunt, Miss"
Teacher:"Mockser, I'm warning you now, NO MORE". Right, onto D words now"
Nigella: D starts the word dumpling, Miss"
Teacher: "Terrific, Nigella, any more D words.
Patricia: "Dublin, Miss"
Teacher:"Very apt, Patricia, given that we live here" Any more examples?"
Mockser:"Miss, Miss, I swear, I've got a nice word with a D starting it"
Teacher: You're on your final warning, Mockser - what is it?"
Mockser:"Dwarf, Miss - that's a D word"
Teacher:"Whew, very good, Mockser and what is a dwarf?"
Mockser:"It's a little cunt with a big arse and a small bollix"
S
Sir Hamish
Guest
Hi folks, just found this site today and my sides are sore laughing at the jokes.
I have a few which I'm apprehensive about sharing as you've all probably heard them before but, ah fuck it, here goes.
Scene: Redneck country.
Turleen, Mary-Loo and Mabelline were having a few drinks in their local bar, discussing various topics.
Inevitably, they got round to talking about their husbands.
Turleen said, "Guess what I call ma hus-bye-yand?"
"Eh, what?", enquired the other two.
"Ah calls him Big Dick", she chuckled.
"Why's that?, they quizzed.
"'Cos he's got a beeeeeeeg deeeeek"
Big, knowing laugh all round.
Mary-Loo then piped in, "Ah cals ma my-yan Long John"
Again, the other asked, "Why so?"
Mary-Loo, "'Cos he got a loooooooong johnnnnn"
Again, behind-the-hand chuckling and sniggering from the gals.
Mabelline then added, "Well, ah calls ma my-yan Beaujolais"
This puzzled Turleen who said, "Ain't that some kinda fancy liqour?"
Mabelline replied, "That's ma my-yan"
I have a few which I'm apprehensive about sharing as you've all probably heard them before but, ah fuck it, here goes.
Scene: Redneck country.
Turleen, Mary-Loo and Mabelline were having a few drinks in their local bar, discussing various topics.
Inevitably, they got round to talking about their husbands.
Turleen said, "Guess what I call ma hus-bye-yand?"
"Eh, what?", enquired the other two.
"Ah calls him Big Dick", she chuckled.
"Why's that?, they quizzed.
"'Cos he's got a beeeeeeeg deeeeek"
Big, knowing laugh all round.
Mary-Loo then piped in, "Ah cals ma my-yan Long John"
Again, the other asked, "Why so?"
Mary-Loo, "'Cos he got a loooooooong johnnnnn"
Again, behind-the-hand chuckling and sniggering from the gals.
Mabelline then added, "Well, ah calls ma my-yan Beaujolais"
This puzzled Turleen who said, "Ain't that some kinda fancy liqour?"
Mabelline replied, "That's ma my-yan"
S
Sir Hamish
Guest
Remember the USSR? Those big collective farms called Solkhotz and Kolkotz??
Anyway, four Soviet women were out working in the huge fields on one of those farms one day, picking carrots by hand as the machinery had, as usual, broken down and there were no spare parts.
Katrina tugged a massive carrot out of the ground and stood staring at it for quite some time.
The others noticed and asked what she was up to.
"Comrades, y'know, but this carrot reminds me of Vasilii, my husband"
Raisa said, "Hee hee, I think I know, is it the length of it?"
"Niet", replied Katrina.
Anastasiya giggled, "I know, is it the colour of it?"
"Niet, guess again", Katrina piped back.
Then, Renata laughed, "Ah, it's the thickness of it"
"Niet", again Katrina spoke.
"Then, what is it?", they all chimed.
"The dirt of it", whispered Katrina.
Anyway, four Soviet women were out working in the huge fields on one of those farms one day, picking carrots by hand as the machinery had, as usual, broken down and there were no spare parts.
Katrina tugged a massive carrot out of the ground and stood staring at it for quite some time.
The others noticed and asked what she was up to.
"Comrades, y'know, but this carrot reminds me of Vasilii, my husband"
Raisa said, "Hee hee, I think I know, is it the length of it?"
"Niet", replied Katrina.
Anastasiya giggled, "I know, is it the colour of it?"
"Niet, guess again", Katrina piped back.
Then, Renata laughed, "Ah, it's the thickness of it"
"Niet", again Katrina spoke.
"Then, what is it?", they all chimed.
"The dirt of it", whispered Katrina.
jesus and moses are fishing in heaven.
they begin talking about how cool the bible is, and stuff. they decide to have a contest to see who had the cooler miracles.
moses stands up, raises his fishing pole to the heavens, and parts the pond. the boat settles, and fish are flopping all around. he lowers his pole, and the water gently returns.
jesus stands up, takes his sandals off, and steps off of the boat.
he sinks straight to the bottom (jesus cant swim, as he is from a desert).
moses parts the waters again, and pulls jesus back into the boat.
Jesus: i dont...understand!!! i walked right off the boat the first time, and it was amazing!!! i walked right on the water!!
Moses: jesus, you dumbass...LAST time, you didnt have those holes in your feet!
:m:
they begin talking about how cool the bible is, and stuff. they decide to have a contest to see who had the cooler miracles.
moses stands up, raises his fishing pole to the heavens, and parts the pond. the boat settles, and fish are flopping all around. he lowers his pole, and the water gently returns.
jesus stands up, takes his sandals off, and steps off of the boat.
he sinks straight to the bottom (jesus cant swim, as he is from a desert).
moses parts the waters again, and pulls jesus back into the boat.
Jesus: i dont...understand!!! i walked right off the boat the first time, and it was amazing!!! i walked right on the water!!
Moses: jesus, you dumbass...LAST time, you didnt have those holes in your feet!
:m:
H
Hrun
Guest
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
The pizza don't scream in the oven.
The pizza don't scream in the oven.
T
thefwf
Guest
Or an alternative
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Jews aren't deliscious!
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Jews aren't deliscious!
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