The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!
- Thread starter The Flemster
- Start date
- Status
Police finally admit they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menez.
It was his naughty brother they were after, Dennis.
It was his naughty brother they were after, Dennis.
What do you call a black man in a Santa outfit?
Nigger. Don't let the suit fool you.
Nigger. Don't let the suit fool you.
A man, wishing to be ordained, is told he must give up alcohol and drugs and even go without sex for the foreseeable future. Two weeks later, he returns to the priests who challenged him to tell of his progress. He said, "well I've been clean of the booze and the powder for two weeks now, but the other day I saw my missus bend over and couldn't resist giving her one."
"I'm afraid that's frowned upon by the Church."
"I'm not too surprised, the people in Morrissons weren't that happy either."
"I'm afraid that's frowned upon by the Church."
"I'm not too surprised, the people in Morrissons weren't that happy either."
"I was watching Jeremy Kyle the other day just thinking: where do they find these awful people?
Then it hit me - Glasgow."
"They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags."
"My plan is to re-criminalise homosexuality - so I can feel dirty when I do it
."
"Do you remember years ago, when they were making Braveheart, everyone said "Oh it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy, that's not going to be very convincing..." and look at him now, an alcoholic racist"
"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I'm mean come on, for £9.2 billion you could've written "Fuck Off Germany" onto the moon..."
"What's that Joker? You'll be back? You know somehow, I don't think you will be."
"I like storms, I like thunder and lightning. What I like to do during a storm, is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist".
"Use the force, Luke. I've run out of lubricant."
"You're good at poker, Bond. But lets see how you do on the fruit machines."
On Worst Things for a Defendant to Say:
"Well I put it to you Your Honour, that this child is sexy."
----------------------------------
It's a testament to Frankie Boyle's comedy that I got all but one of these from memory.
Then it hit me - Glasgow."
"They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags."
"My plan is to re-criminalise homosexuality - so I can feel dirty when I do it
.""Do you remember years ago, when they were making Braveheart, everyone said "Oh it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy, that's not going to be very convincing..." and look at him now, an alcoholic racist"
"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I'm mean come on, for £9.2 billion you could've written "Fuck Off Germany" onto the moon..."
"What's that Joker? You'll be back? You know somehow, I don't think you will be."
"I like storms, I like thunder and lightning. What I like to do during a storm, is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist".
"Use the force, Luke. I've run out of lubricant."
"You're good at poker, Bond. But lets see how you do on the fruit machines."
On Worst Things for a Defendant to Say:
"Well I put it to you Your Honour, that this child is sexy."
----------------------------------
It's a testament to Frankie Boyle's comedy that I got all but one of these from memory.
D
dr_mambo
Guest
"I was watching Jeremy Kyle the other day just thinking: where do they find these awful people?
Then it hit me - Glasgow."
"They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags."
"My plan is to re-criminalise homosexuality - so I can feel dirty when I do it
"Do you remember years ago, when they were making Braveheart, everyone said "Oh it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy, that's not going to be very convincing..." and look at him now, an alcoholic racist"
"They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I'm mean come on, for £9.2 billion you could've written "Fuck Off Germany" onto the moon..."
"What's that Joker? You'll be back? You know somehow, I don't think you will be."
"I like storms, I like thunder and lightning. What I like to do during a storm, is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist".
"Use the force, Luke. I've run out of lubricant."
"You're good at poker, Bond. But lets see how you do on the fruit machines."
On Worst Things for a Defendant to Say:
"Well I put it to you Your Honour, that this child is sexy."
----------------------------------
It's a testament to Frankie Boyle's comedy that I got all but one of these from memory.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is, its heading towards the Twin Towers...
N
nuovo_valparaiso
Guest
What does WTC stand for? - "What Trade Center?"
Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds
Q: Why do tourists flock to New York?
A: It's a blast
The FBI has just identified the man who trained the hijackers: Dale Earnhardt.
At the World Trade Center restaurant, they offered three seating areas:
smoking, non-smoking and burned beyond recognition.
They dont need any more volunteers to help at the WTC:
they have found 5000 extra pairs of hands...
New York, New York, so good they hit it twice
American Airlines is now offering sight seeing tours of Manhattan!
Q: What is world most efficient airline?
A: American Airlines, leave Boston 8:15...be in your office in New York 8:48!
What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones head sitting in 90th floor of the WTC ?
- The 91st floor.....
What was the last thing going through Mr. Smiths head sitting in 110th floor of the WTC?
- The radio mast...
America's new math:
Q: Now how many sides to a Pentagon? A: 4
If one side of the Pentagon has collapsed, will it now be renamed "The Square"?
It should be renamed "The Penta-gone"
It should be renamed "Manflatten"
Famous last words: "Amal, was this tower here yesterday?"
American Airline's pilot announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be landing on New York in about 10 minutes....."
Well, this proves one thing....
New Yorkers really come together in a crunch
Today FBI concluded that New York had been hit by a U.F.M (unidentified flying muslim)
Q: What did one terrorist say to the other terrorist before boarding their respective airplanes?
A: I slam, you slam, we all slam for Islam!
NEWSFLASH.... The WTC has been destroyed.... thousands of New York executives feared dead.... Hookers all across the city are in mourning.....
"25,000 sq. ft. Office space for rent. Recently renovated. New Air Conditioning unit. Needs TLC. Contact me at One World Trade Centre. 85th Floor, Room 18."
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"It's.... Oh fuck, it IS a plane!"
Q: Why didn't Superman stop the planes from hitting the Trade Towers?
A: Because he's a quadriplegic!
Q: What do you call a dust storm?
A: Trade winds.
Q: What's the area code of the World Trade Center?
A: 220 (two to zero).
Q: What should have tipped off the ticket sellers?
A: When the terrorists asked if there was anything cheaper than one-way.
Q: What was the quickest escape time from the World Trade Center?
A: Ten seconds flat.
Q: How long does it take to reach the ground from 107 stories up?
A: The rest of your life
Q: Why are police and firemen New York's finest?
A: Because now you can run them through a sieve.
Optimism,
as you fall past the 20th floor you shout "I'm not hurt yet"
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
God knows, they keep jumping out the window when it gets too hot
What's the number one drink served on United Airlines?
Flaming Manhattan
What music do they play in the elevator in the WTC?
Jump and It's Raining Men
Floor 106...... you ARE the weakest link.... goodbye....
What color were the pilots eyes?
Blue. One blew this way the other blew that way
What team does a United Airlines pilot support?
The New York Jets
Where do Americans go on vacation?
All over Manhattan
How many Americans died in the WTC yesterday?
Who gives a fuck
What's the difference between Wembley and New York?
Wembley's still got their twin towers.
What's the difference between the attack on New York and the Oklahoma City Bombing? - Again foreigners prove they can do it better and more efficiently......
Then there's the retarded terrorist who tried to crash the A-Train into the World Trade Center..........
Yassar Arraffat and many other PLO members together with people from other Muslim nations are *Volunteering* to give blood for the victims of the tragedy...
I guess they'll have some *Volunteers* to Fly the blood in too!
Last words from Airline pilot
"Right a bit, hey the trade centre, my brother works there...lets look just a bit closer...."
The FBI have arrested the head of advertising at the Empire State Building for involvement in the WTC disaster. A spokesman said he was caught with 'Empire State: We're Back!!!' T-shirts in his office...
Top 10 Good Things About The WTC Attack
10. There are now 18 fewer Arab taxi drivers terrorizing the streets.
9. Flight training schools proved that they are expensive but worth it.
8. People are learning how to spell "Afghanistan" correctly.
7. Plenty of parking available at airports now.
6. Jerry Springer Show was off the air for a whole week.
5. Sales for U.S. flags are way up.
4. Several new job openings now at NYPD and NYFD.
3. Much lower electric bills for Manhattan.
2. Home videos of the WTC attack more spectacular than Arnold Schwarzenegger's last
5 movies.
And the number one ...
1. Some great new unobstructed views of Manhattan now
Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds
Q: Why do tourists flock to New York?
A: It's a blast
The FBI has just identified the man who trained the hijackers: Dale Earnhardt.
At the World Trade Center restaurant, they offered three seating areas:
smoking, non-smoking and burned beyond recognition.
They dont need any more volunteers to help at the WTC:
they have found 5000 extra pairs of hands...
New York, New York, so good they hit it twice
American Airlines is now offering sight seeing tours of Manhattan!
Q: What is world most efficient airline?
A: American Airlines, leave Boston 8:15...be in your office in New York 8:48!
What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones head sitting in 90th floor of the WTC ?
- The 91st floor.....
What was the last thing going through Mr. Smiths head sitting in 110th floor of the WTC?
- The radio mast...
America's new math:
Q: Now how many sides to a Pentagon? A: 4
If one side of the Pentagon has collapsed, will it now be renamed "The Square"?
It should be renamed "The Penta-gone"
It should be renamed "Manflatten"
Famous last words: "Amal, was this tower here yesterday?"
American Airline's pilot announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be landing on New York in about 10 minutes....."
Well, this proves one thing....
New Yorkers really come together in a crunch
Today FBI concluded that New York had been hit by a U.F.M (unidentified flying muslim)
Q: What did one terrorist say to the other terrorist before boarding their respective airplanes?
A: I slam, you slam, we all slam for Islam!
NEWSFLASH.... The WTC has been destroyed.... thousands of New York executives feared dead.... Hookers all across the city are in mourning.....
"25,000 sq. ft. Office space for rent. Recently renovated. New Air Conditioning unit. Needs TLC. Contact me at One World Trade Centre. 85th Floor, Room 18."
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"It's.... Oh fuck, it IS a plane!"
Q: Why didn't Superman stop the planes from hitting the Trade Towers?
A: Because he's a quadriplegic!
Q: What do you call a dust storm?
A: Trade winds.
Q: What's the area code of the World Trade Center?
A: 220 (two to zero).
Q: What should have tipped off the ticket sellers?
A: When the terrorists asked if there was anything cheaper than one-way.
Q: What was the quickest escape time from the World Trade Center?
A: Ten seconds flat.
Q: How long does it take to reach the ground from 107 stories up?
A: The rest of your life
Q: Why are police and firemen New York's finest?
A: Because now you can run them through a sieve.
Optimism,
as you fall past the 20th floor you shout "I'm not hurt yet"
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
God knows, they keep jumping out the window when it gets too hot
What's the number one drink served on United Airlines?
Flaming Manhattan
What music do they play in the elevator in the WTC?
Jump and It's Raining Men
Floor 106...... you ARE the weakest link.... goodbye....
What color were the pilots eyes?
Blue. One blew this way the other blew that way
What team does a United Airlines pilot support?
The New York Jets
Where do Americans go on vacation?
All over Manhattan
How many Americans died in the WTC yesterday?
Who gives a fuck
What's the difference between Wembley and New York?
Wembley's still got their twin towers.
What's the difference between the attack on New York and the Oklahoma City Bombing? - Again foreigners prove they can do it better and more efficiently......
Then there's the retarded terrorist who tried to crash the A-Train into the World Trade Center..........
Yassar Arraffat and many other PLO members together with people from other Muslim nations are *Volunteering* to give blood for the victims of the tragedy...
I guess they'll have some *Volunteers* to Fly the blood in too!
Last words from Airline pilot
"Right a bit, hey the trade centre, my brother works there...lets look just a bit closer...."
The FBI have arrested the head of advertising at the Empire State Building for involvement in the WTC disaster. A spokesman said he was caught with 'Empire State: We're Back!!!' T-shirts in his office...
Top 10 Good Things About The WTC Attack
10. There are now 18 fewer Arab taxi drivers terrorizing the streets.
9. Flight training schools proved that they are expensive but worth it.
8. People are learning how to spell "Afghanistan" correctly.
7. Plenty of parking available at airports now.
6. Jerry Springer Show was off the air for a whole week.
5. Sales for U.S. flags are way up.
4. Several new job openings now at NYPD and NYFD.
3. Much lower electric bills for Manhattan.
2. Home videos of the WTC attack more spectacular than Arnold Schwarzenegger's last
5 movies.
And the number one ...
1. Some great new unobstructed views of Manhattan now
B
brummie1984
Guest
What is Sean Mercer getting for Christmas?
First off it will be breakfast consisting of bagels, salmon, scrambled eggs and washed down with champagne. He will then be allowed to watch any sky programme he wants on his 15 inch colour LCD flat screen, watch a dvd, browse the internet or play his X Box 360 or PS3 before a roast Turkey Dinner will be served at 4pm. If he hasn't got a prison job to go to at night he will be allowed to socialise with other inmates or work out. This, in fact, won't only be Christmas Day this will be everyday.
In 22 years time he will come back out to the hell hole that is Liverpool a stronger man, more dangerous and not having the luxuries he has been used to having in jail his shorter fuse will lead him to shoot someone else. So on Tuesday 16th December 2030 don't hang around Altcourse prison with an Everton top on.
First off it will be breakfast consisting of bagels, salmon, scrambled eggs and washed down with champagne. He will then be allowed to watch any sky programme he wants on his 15 inch colour LCD flat screen, watch a dvd, browse the internet or play his X Box 360 or PS3 before a roast Turkey Dinner will be served at 4pm. If he hasn't got a prison job to go to at night he will be allowed to socialise with other inmates or work out. This, in fact, won't only be Christmas Day this will be everyday.
In 22 years time he will come back out to the hell hole that is Liverpool a stronger man, more dangerous and not having the luxuries he has been used to having in jail his shorter fuse will lead him to shoot someone else. So on Tuesday 16th December 2030 don't hang around Altcourse prison with an Everton top on.
B
brummie1984
Guest
Dashing throught the snow....
In my pimped out Escalade
Through the hood I go theivin all the way
Sirens on cop cars wail
Making me hit the gas
Oh what fun this is
they'll never catch my nigger ass
OH
Niggers got balls
Niggers got balls
Better hope he doesn't steal from me.
Oh what fun it will be to hang that nigger from my tree
Niggers got balls
Niggers got balls
Better hope he doesn't steal from me.
Oh what fun it will be to hang that nigger from my tree
In my pimped out Escalade
Through the hood I go theivin all the way
Sirens on cop cars wail
Making me hit the gas
Oh what fun this is
they'll never catch my nigger ass
OH
Niggers got balls
Niggers got balls
Better hope he doesn't steal from me.
Oh what fun it will be to hang that nigger from my tree
Niggers got balls
Niggers got balls
Better hope he doesn't steal from me.
Oh what fun it will be to hang that nigger from my tree
damn you got balls, this shit was hilarious.
E
evo69
Guest
I feel sorry for the hot dog seller who was sttod at the botttom of the twin towers and was heard to shout who ordered the two jumbos
D
dr_mambo
Guest
Don't forget KFC. Sales of their Flaming Tower Burger took a major hit...
Not to mention their Apple Crumble...
Tomorrow, I'm going to dress up as Hitler but with no trousers or underwear on. I'm going to carry a goat under one arm and a can of spraypaint under the other. Then I'm going to rob my local bank, spray rude messages on all the walls, fuck the goat seven ways from Sunday and curl a big turd out on every desk, before walking out with the money.
Let's see Crimewatch recreate THAT.
Let's see Crimewatch recreate THAT.
M
maximus43
Guest
I've just phoned the samaritans. I was put through to their call centre in pakistan. When i told them i was suicidal they got really excited and asked if i could drive a truck.
When is an elf not an elf?
When she's sucking your cock, then she's a goblin.
When she's sucking your cock, then she's a goblin.
E
eganpe
Guest
what do michael jackson and santa have in common?
the both visit children in the middle of the night and leave with empty sacks
the both visit children in the middle of the night and leave with empty sacks
E
eganpe
Guest
some offensive rivarily jokes bewteen two collleges
N.U.I.G. VS G.M.I.T.
Q. Why don't they have Christmas at GMIT?
A. They can't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q. How can you tell if a GMIT student is heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the GMIT campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What's the first thing a GMIT bird does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at GMIT?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What does a GMIT student call a NUIG student after graduation?
A. Boss.
Q. Did you hear that the library at GMIT burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't coloured-in yet.
Q. Why do GMIT graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a GMIT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. How many NUIG students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
Q. How many GMIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three - One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
Q. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead GMIT student in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. If you see a GMIT student on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q What do you have when 100 GMIT students are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a GMIT student. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the GMIT student...twice.
Q. What do u call a GMIT student in a suit?
A. The Defendant
Q. What do u call a NUIG graduate in a suit?
A. The GMIT student's lawyer
N.U.I.G. VS G.M.I.T.
Q. Why don't they have Christmas at GMIT?
A. They can't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q. How can you tell if a GMIT student is heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the GMIT campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q. What's the first thing a GMIT bird does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at GMIT?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What does a GMIT student call a NUIG student after graduation?
A. Boss.
Q. Did you hear that the library at GMIT burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't coloured-in yet.
Q. Why do GMIT graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q. How do you get a GMIT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Q. How many NUIG students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
Q. How many GMIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three - One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
Q. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead GMIT student in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. If you see a GMIT student on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q What do you have when 100 GMIT students are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a GMIT student. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the GMIT student...twice.
Q. What do u call a GMIT student in a suit?
A. The Defendant
Q. What do u call a NUIG graduate in a suit?
A. The GMIT student's lawyer
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