Jokes and Funny Stories II

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your Essendon medallion club season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the beach.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his arse with that blanket, before he catches cold."

:)
 
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one n night a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
Gong.jpg


'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
ATT00002.gif
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped
back.
ATT00003.gif
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded
silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f#k's sake, you stupid pr#ck . It's ten
past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

:)
 
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically, it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
200w.gif

:)
 
This might make sense to older Australians but feel free to insert your own people and place

In a Sydney Nursing home an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Julia Gillard and Wayne Swan before I die,” whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse.The nurse sent the request to Canberra and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Julia and Wayne would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Wayne commented to Julia “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help ourimages.”

Julia agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room,the priest took Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne 's hand in hisleft.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The oldpriest slowly said, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour,Jesus Christ.”

“Amen,” said Julia
“Amen,” said Wayne

The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards; and I would like to do thesame....”

Love it.gif

:)
 
A fifth grader asked her mother the age-old question,

'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here!

:)
 
INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY ..

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in politics playing...........

MARBLES!

:)
 
The urine sample

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.

There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk
to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,

And how are we doing this morning?

Or Are we ready for a bath? or
Are we hungry?

I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, "My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today".

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"

The nurse fainted... I just smiled.

image005555155.gif

:)
 
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
They actually have a programme here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!'
His Dad says.
'How do I get Ol' Blue in that programme?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him
in the course.'

So.... His father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?'
His father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father.
'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that programme?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
His father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,'
The boy says,
'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers,
'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The son continued his studies & eventually progressed tobe a successful Union lawyer with Slater & Gordon.

:)
 
Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

:)
 
Another one for the older Australians

Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, walked into a branch of the Commonwealth Bank to cash a cheque.

Approaching the cashier she said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?" The clerk replies "It would be my pleasure, mam. Could I see your ID please?"

Julia said "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard you know - the Prime Minister!"

Clerk: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters, fraud, forgers and the like, I must insist on proof of identity".

Julia: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows me!"

Clerk: "I am very sorry Madam Prime Minister. These are the bank rules and I must follow them".

Julia: "And I need this cheque cashed!!"

Clerk: "Perhaps there's another way. One day Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque".

"Another time, Shane Warne came in without ID. He pulled out a cricket ball and bowled a fabulous spinner kick where the ball landed in my coffee mug. With that spectacular bowl we cashed his cheque. So mam, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the Prime Minister?"

Julia stood there thinking. Finally she says "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at".

Clerk: "Will that be $50 notes or $100 notes, Prime Minister?"

:)
 
sculptor said:
Jeez Michael 345
you're really on a role here
(maybe just a little bored?)
Click to expand...
Been going since about 8am - now 9-30pm, with couple of breaks

I am sorting out my old emails so most of these are copy / paste with only tidy up edit. Back to about 2013 but unsure how many left to sort

Just about to wind up now

Tomorrow will put some in back pocket to use later

Mouse laughing.gif

I'm chuffed I found a few gifs which, like above, work in the email without being clicked

Cheers

image005555155.gif

:)
 
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough
Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

:)
 
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

:)
 
Keeping the theme going

After going through a
  • virus attack
  • losing a hard drive
  • fighting off hackers
  • upgrading all my softwarei
  • nstalling fire-walls
  • being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider
  • and a host of other problems.
I have fixed my computer

And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
Beer computer.jpg

:)
 
Weather in Scotland

I Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

:)
 
A Day at the Races

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman .They got on famously and ended upi inbed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at
Ascot that day ,she'd tip him the winner of each race she was in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2,she rode out rubbing both her boobs.The bloke looked through the race
book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1.It won by two lengths

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.He put the lot on 'Eyeliner
at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler.

Hebacked nothing .

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' 'in the sixth?,she asked 'It paid a fortune ?'

'Shit '; he said, I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!

:)
 
A COW'S TAIL

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

:)
 
Hope you know the background

To: John Hinckley
From : Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster
like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

:)
 
A CHURCH STORY

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts
were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and
told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her
not to taste any the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile. The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and
said


Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday

:)
 
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