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Jokes and Funny Stories II
- Thread starter Billy T
- Start date
Blonde walking alone the bank of a narrow canal
Another blonde on the other bank calls out “Can you please tell me how to get to the other side?”
First blonde looks around an calls back “You're already there”
Another blonde on the other bank calls out “Can you please tell me how to get to the other side?”
First blonde looks around an calls back “You're already there”
From friends email
Jesus and his mates walk up to a restaurant
I'd like a table for 26 please
The booking waiter does a head count
There are only 13 here. Will the others be here soon?
No we are all going to sit on one side
View attachment 3259
Reply my own post because I found this
Enjoy
A nun asked female student “What would you like to be when you grow up?”
“Prostitute” Nun faints. On coming around nun ask “What did you say?”
“Prostitute” “Oh that's OK, I thought you said Protestant”
“Prostitute” Nun faints. On coming around nun ask “What did you say?”
“Prostitute” “Oh that's OK, I thought you said Protestant”
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
1.The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2.The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3.I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5.The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
1.The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2.The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3.I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5.The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Strange fact
The Flat Earth Society has membership groups all around the globe, including Australia
The Flat Earth Society has membership groups all around the globe, including Australia
I remember a female contestant on Eddie McGuire's Millionare Hot Seat a few months ago, wearing a T shirt espousing a flat Earth...When Eddie questioned it she started rattling off some nonsense, we see here on occasions in the fringes. Eddie quickly short circuited the conversation and continued on with the game. Obviously the fool fell at the first hurdle [question]Strange fact
The Flat Earth Society has membership groups all around the globe, including Australia
DaveC426913
Valued Senior Member
https://lifewithoutandy.com/news/en...th-theory-eddie-mcguire-millionaire-hot-seat/I remember a female contestant on Eddie McGuire's Millionare Hot Seat a few months ago, wearing a T shirt espousing a flat Earth...When Eddie questioned it she started rattling off some nonsense, we see here on occasions in the fringes. Eddie quickly short circuited the conversation and continued on with the game. Obviously the fool fell at the first hurdle [question]
Yep. She blew the first question. A spelling question.
But, based on the way she's plasticized, I suspect she was only there to get her face on TV.
I love the part where Eddie asks her about the flat Earth theory, and she replies, "Oh, its not a theory it's true" Sounds like an old sparring partner of mine here...
DaveC426913
Valued Senior Member
I have become very skeptical of this new world we live in.I love the part where Eddie asks her about the flat Earth theory, and she replies, "Oh, its not a theory it's true" Sounds like an old sparring partner of mine here...
I think it is as likely she is pretending to be dumb for publicity. I mean, if that's her goal, she achieved it - she's all over the interwebz. That's how kids these days get their big break.
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."
Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week."
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."
Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week."
Interesting concept...is river pretending? serious question.
M.C. Escher may have been inspired by your neighbourhood.
sculptor
Valued Senior Member
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.
This means that in the near future, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
This means that in the near future, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A atheist, much to his surprise, found himself in heaven and sitting on a cloud for his chat with god
“Are you surprised we can do all that you did when you created us?” he asked god
“That's news to me” replied god
“Oh yes we can make life AND a human”
“Care to show me?”
“Sure” Atheist puts his finger into a soft part of mud and brings it into heaven
“What are you doing? ask god
“I'm going to make a human”
"OK, but first you need to make your own mud, not use mine”
“Are you surprised we can do all that you did when you created us?” he asked god
“That's news to me” replied god
“Oh yes we can make life AND a human”
“Care to show me?”
“Sure” Atheist puts his finger into a soft part of mud and brings it into heaven
“What are you doing? ask god
“I'm going to make a human”
"OK, but first you need to make your own mud, not use mine”
foghorn
Valued Senior Member
Someone at MIT is having a laugh. [URL=http://www.mit.edu/people/dmredish/wwwMLRF/links/Humor/Electricity.html]From here [/URL]
" Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.
It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- almost.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousand of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball." "
" Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.
It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- almost.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousand of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball." "