Is this normal?

[skaught]

I think if you try to force them apart, all that will do is draw them closer together. The boy will become taboo and therefore more attractive to her. I would explain to her that you are a little uncomfortable with him but you want her to be happy. Let her know that you think she is a good and smart kid, and that you love her, but that you don't feel right about things. If its not meant to be, then it wont happen. But you may need to accept that you can't always protect your little girl, and she will have to make mistakes in life. All you can do is be there for her at those moments.
As for the boy, maybe have a little chat with him and let him know that you are very protective of your daughter, and you will extend some trust to him, but he better watch his Ps and Qs.

 

[scott3x]

Give her some condoms. If they want to do it, you cannot stop them.

Maybe you can, but.. I think it can safely be said that you may learn to regret it. Whenever dealing with anything even approaching love, the stakes can get really high.

Notes, heart to heart talks, beseachings.. you know, it's fair to express yourself, even emotionally if you really feel she's headed down the wrong path (I can easily imagine myself getting emotional about it). But forbidding your child to be with the person, switching her school or moving to another neighbourhood may simply get your child to never tell you about another love interest again, or atleast until they move out. Right now, atleast she's bringing the guy over. In my mind, she's essentially giving her mother the ability to give her opinion and perhaps influence whether she stays with him. That's much better then knowing nothing all, or suspecting but not knowing.

 

[scott3x]

I think if you try to force them apart, all that will do is draw them closer together. The boy will become taboo and therefore more attractive to her.

I'm not sure this would happen, but I can definitely agree it's possible
.

I would explain to her that you are a little uncomfortable with him but you want her to be happy.

It seems she's more then a little uncomfortable. I think she should express just -how- uncomfortable she is, but at the same time, if she feels that she may be mistaken, she should say so.

I also think that she has latched on to the fact that he's had sex at 12, but it seems that she doesn't know under what circumstances it occured. Was he pressured into it? Did he think it was a good thing. Perhaps most importantly, at any time did he suggest that he wanted to do this with her daugther? I think any of these answers is much more important then the act itself.

Let her know that you think she is a good and smart kid, and that you love her, but that you don't feel right about things. If its not meant to be, then it wont happen. But you may need to accept that you can't always protect your little girl, and she will have to make mistakes in life. All you can do is be there for her at those moments.

I definitely agree with that.

As for the boy, maybe have a little chat with him and let him know that you are very protective of your daughter, and you will extend some trust to him, but he better watch his Ps and Qs.

I personally would hesitate to address the boy without her daughter's consent, if not outright presence; I, atleast, would be afraid of how my (hypothetical) daughter would react to going behind my back.

When I lived with my parents, I only know that they went behind my back one time and this was with a girl I knew when I was 6 years old. Here's the story:
A girl in my class gave me a popcorn. I thanked her and started munching. Then she told me that she had stuck it 'down there'. Apparently I had never been taught that it was 'bad' down there. I actually seemed to think I was very privileged, since I already knew that girls hid it and I seemed to think it was some kind of treasure. So I kept on munching .

I don't remember doing this, but apparently I told my parents; I can easily imagine I did this, however, because I have always been someone to tell my parents anything important in my life and seeing as how I remember the event to this day, I think it would qualify.

Anyway, I heard many years after the fact (I was perhaps 30 by the time I found out), that one of my parents talked to the principal and a teacher and I'm guessing it got back to the girl in question. I -really- don't like the fact that they did this without talking to me. And I was 6. If I had been older and had found out at anywhere near the event, I can only imagine my reaction would have been stronger.

Anyway, I was a shy kid and the first date I had was when I was 20. It was my last date with this woman too. I had my first online girlfriend when I was 22, but my first 'actually there' girlfriend I didn't have until I was 30 (I'm 32 now). So, as you can imagine, this whole 'what will my parents think' didn't happen so much with me .

 

[scott3x]

On a side note, my eldest sister 'did it' (I have 2; she's the older one, but still 2 years younger then me) when she was just 13. Apparently, a girl who was in my class and who I'd invited to Mexico with us for the holidays encouraged her and my mother was.. very mad . She managed to get my friend to go back before the trip actually ended.

I didn't even find out until my friend coyly asked me why my mother was so upset with her. I had no idea and pestered my mother about it until she finally told me.

I actually felt mad with my sister too for a bit. I was supposedly supposed to make sure that she didn't get into trouble but I had trusted that she would do the 'right thing'. My friends persuaded me that it was ok, but they were decidedly biased; they were generally decidedly attracted to her. I can't imagine them saying the same if it was their own sister in question. However, I'm glad they persuaded me that it was fine because I really loved my sister (still do) and hating her was killing me .

My sister is now 30 and has 2 daughters.. bad husband (the divorce and custody battles were a real mess), but I'm very proud of my sister. And my nieces are divine . Ofcourse I almost never see them; she fled to Mexico to get away from her ex husband :-/.

 

[Kadark]

Give her some condoms. If they want to do it, you cannot stop them.

Are you retarded? She's fourteen years old, and you're encouraging her to have sex by giving her condoms? What kind of a deranged person are you? "If they want to do it, you cannot stop them" is no excuse for parents; in fact, it is imperative that parents raise their children appropriately so these types of unspeakable circumstances never arise. If children wanted to, they could easily use drugs, drop out of school, etc., especially in this day and age. Should parents assist these behaviours as well, simply because their children can engage in them if they please? Give me a break.

To the topic starter: yes, your feelings of anger are appropriate and warranted, but the question is begged - why do you refrain from separating the two? Your daughter is fourteen years old, and she's making out with a sixteen year old boy in your very own house, being groped as if they were husband and wife. How can you allow for such nonsense to take place, especially within the confinements of your very own home? The longer you wait to intervene, the further this delinquent duo will regress. My guess is, she's already given this guy head (oral sex, same thing), which means she's probably not very far off from being "drilled", so to speak.

I can't directly relate, in any way, to your grievances, but I commonly find myself hearing about such stories due to my upbringing in Canada (or in other words, the West). I remember when I was younger, visiting my best friend's house, whose younger sister (about fifteen years old, at the time) would be in her room making out with her "boyfriend". The mother? A great woman, make no mistake about it. However, she didn't care one bit about her daughter doing God knows what upstairs with a practically complete stranger! I'm a conservative and traditionalist to the bone, so these events always, to whatever degree, shock and anger me. Your daughter isn't in a vegetative state, meaning she should know full well, by this age, the shame of her actions. However, the biggest burden of responsibility lies squarely on your shoulders, being her mother and all. In the very least, explain to her why having sex at the age of fourteen with her new "boyfriend" is not allowed. If she wants to protest, then unleash a wrath like she's never seen. After all, she's legally obligated to abide by your rules for four more years.

Of course, you'll likely ignore my advice, resolving to settle this issue your own way. Oh, but if only you knew! I offer the ramblings of a madman, up until that inevitable day comes: "mom, I'm pregnant!"


Kadark

 

[spidergoat]

Lack of condoms will not prevent sex from taking place. I'm a realist. She probably doesn't want to do it anyway, girls at that age just want to be seen with a hot and popular guy, and cuddle.

 

[kenworth]

so these types of unspeakable circumstances never arise.



Your daughter isn't in a vegetative state, meaning she should know full well, by this age, the shame of her actions.
Kadark

you have very strange ideas about sex.

on topic: i dont see anything wrong with stopping them when its under your own roof

 

[spidergoat]

Agreed, you don't have to allow it in your house. But if they want to, they can find a way.

 

[kenworth]

Agreed, you don't have to allow it in your house. But if they want to, they can find a way.

yep true,but it also makes it less likely to be spontaneous and therefore less likely that she wouldnt insist on protection and probably less likely that she would do it at all.

 

[lepustimidus]

Hahaha lucifer, it's normal for you to feel that way. But it's also normal for teenagers to be getting physical.

I wouldn't worry too much. Teen relationships usually last a few weeks, if that.

 

[scott3x]

Are you retarded? She's fourteen years old, and you're encouraging her to have sex by giving her condoms? What kind of a deranged person are you?

Giving a person condoms is not the same thing as encouraging a kid to have sex. A parent can even tell their child they'd prefer they not have sex at all, but that, in case the heat of the moment gets to them, they will atleast have some protective measure.

"If they want to do it, you cannot stop them" is no excuse for parents; in fact, it is imperative that parents raise their children appropriately so these types of unspeakable circumstances never arise.

Oh boy. Unspeakable circumstances. According to Washington Post journalist Elizabeth Agnvall, in an article written 2 years ago ("Is Teen Sex Bad?", http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/15/AR2006051500713.html), this is the type of attitude that ensures that the US remains amoung the highest rate of teen pregnancies in the developed world.

Western Europe, on the other hand, has a much more accepting view of teen sexuality, and focuses on protection not abstinence. Its rates of pregnancies are significantly lower.

In a 2001 study done by the Alan Guttmacher institue (http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/eurosynth_rpt.pdf), it was found that only Russia had more teenage pregnancies then the US; Russia had about 100 pregnancies per 1000 teens aged 15-19, while the US, despite the age of consent being 16-18 (for them be sexual with any age) had a bit over 80, followed close behind by Bulgaria. Meanwhile, a country such as spain, with one of the lowest age of consents on the planet (13), had was one of the lowest, only having a little over 10 births per 1000.

I mention the age of consent to demonstrate what is mentioned in the the Guttmacher institute study:
"Contraceptive use is higher and pregnancies and stds less common, where teenagers have easy access to sexual and reproductive health services. Only in the United States do substantial portions of adolescents lack health insurance and therefore have poor access to health care. Study countries other then the united states have national systems for the financing and delivery of health care for everyone. Although the systems vary, they ensure that teenagers can access a clinician."

If children wanted to, they could easily use drugs, drop out of school, etc., especially in this day and age. Should parents assist these behaviours as well, simply because their children can engage in them if they please? Give me a break.

I've never been interested in drugs, but the war on drugs is also a terrible failure. Billions of dollars are spent on it in the US, more then 200,000 prisoners are in US prisons because of it, and yet I believe the US is still the illegal drug trade's largest market. Again following a trend from Western Europe, North America is beginning to believe that harm reduction makes much more sense then what is mainly being practiced here. I highly recommend you read "Ending the War on Drugs" by Dirk Chase Eldredge. I also recommend seeing the movie "Traffic".

To the topic starter: yes, your feelings of anger are appropriate and warranted, but the question is begged - why do you refrain from separating the two?

Her opening post already answers your question:
"should i stop her seeing him? should i kick his head in? should i ban him from the house?

My mind say's yes to all three questions but she is such a head stron young girl that i worry that she will go of and meet this boy without me knowing"

Your daughter is fourteen years old, and she's making out with a sixteen year old boy in your very own house, being groped as if they were husband and wife.

Sigh. Again, quoting luci:
"i feel sick when i see him touch her, (there is nothing sexual about it, that i can tell, but i am so scared)"

He's touching her in such a way that even luci, the girl's mother, can't tell if it's sexual.

How can you allow for such nonsense to take place, especially within the confinements of your very own home? The longer you wait to intervene, the further this delinquent duo will regress.

Start treating your kid like a criminal and they'll start acting like one; stealing away to get some private time with each other, for instance. I, for one, hope that this girl's mother can simply talk to her daughter in a straightforward manner about her concerns and see how she responds.

My guess is, she's already given this guy head (oral sex, same thing), which means she's probably not very far off from being "drilled", so to speak.

And you base this guess on what exactly?

I'm a conservative and traditionalist to the bone, so these events always, to whatever degree, shock and anger me. Your daughter isn't in a vegetative state, meaning she should know full well, by this age, the shame of her actions.

The.. shame. I'm surprised you haven't brought up original sin yet; perhaps this is what you're alluding to. Ah well, it's not like I don't have my own sexual hangups; my mother went to schools with catholic nuns running them and I'm sure a part of her upbringing has clung to me. The thing is that unlike you, I'm not proud of it. I find it more as something I have to struggle with.

However, the biggest burden of responsibility lies squarely on your shoulders, being her mother and all. In the very least, explain to her why having sex at the age of fourteen with her new "boyfriend" is not allowed.

Actually, I'm not even sure it's not allowed by law where she's at; her boyfriend is only 2 years older so perhaps she could qualify for the 'near age' exemption. But you're probably speaking of moral reasons (the shame). I'm not a bible thumper so I really can't follow you there...

If she wants to protest, then unleash a wrath like she's never seen.

I'm not sure I want to know what you have in mind.

After all, she's legally obligated to abide by your rules for four more years.

Read above on same age exemptions. In any case, those rules aren't her mother's, they're the government's. Also be aware that even if there ages weren't so close, some states in the US have their 'any age' AoC at 16, not 18.

Of course, you'll likely ignore my advice, resolving to settle this issue your own way. Oh, but if only you knew! I offer the ramblings of a madman, up until that inevitable day comes: "mom, I'm pregnant!"

Here, at last, we can agree on something; minors getting pregnant in almost all circumstances in a developed country is not a good idea. But I think I've made a fairly convincing argument that your tactics are not the ones to be following in order to prevent this.

 

[scott3x]

Lack of condoms will not prevent sex from taking place. I'm a realist.

Thank God for realists ;-).

She probably doesn't want to do it anyway, girls at that age just want to be seen with a hot and popular guy, and cuddle.

Lol, that's so cute . Unfortunately, for whatever reason, some do more then just cuddle; and thus the need for condoms and/or other contraceptive measures.

 

[scott3x]

Agreed, you don't have to allow it in your house. But if they want to, they can find a way.

I must say that if my kid was dead set on it, I'd prefer it to be in a relatively safe environment. But as I mentioned elsewhere, you should check out the AoC laws wherever you're at to avoid condoning something that could land you in jail.

 

[Asguard]

what a load of crap. Girls are just as likly to want sex as boys are, ask LA herself, ask bells, ask shorty, ask orleander, as inzomnia, ASK PB

She will chose when she is ready as i already said and there isnt a thing anyone can do about it. The only thing LA can do is influance WHERE it is (ie is it a safe enviroment or is it somewhere that if she changes her mind she is likly to be raped) and wether she knows how and when to use controceptives

 

[scott3x]

Hahaha lucifer, it's normal for you to feel that way. But it's also normal for teenagers to be getting physical.

I wouldn't worry too much. Teen relationships usually last a few weeks, if that.

I can't say I wouldn't worry if I were a parent. It only takes a few minutes to do 'the deed'. However, worrying has to be held in check, lest it actually be counterproductive. You don't want to make your child reluctant to tell you about his or her relationships by excessive worrying.

I personally would want to tell my (hypothetical) child(ren) before they arrive at puberty of the risks involved with certain types of sexual behaviours. And if a kid of mine brought home someone who I felt might be bad news, I'd do my research before ultimately deciding whether it's true. And if I decided he or she was that bad news, I'd tell my kid in the most concrete terms as to why I felt that way and that I felt they should break up.

But as to forcing a teen to break up.. I have serious reservations on that one. Easier to not let them go to certain wild parties then that. And if my kid didn't want to let go of their significant other despite my disapproval, I'd -definitely- want to keep the boyfriend (or girlfriend) close, even if I didn't like him/her. There's an old saying:
"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer".

Up close, I can personally challenge him/her (in the presence of my kid, wouldn't want to be accused of dissing him when my kid's not around) as well as keep an eye on him/her. You can't do that from a distance.

 

[lucifers angel]

Give her some condoms. If they want to do it, you cannot stop them.

never ever ever going to happen, i will buy her condoms to encourage her,

 

[scott3x]

never ever ever going to happen, i will buy her condoms to encourage her,

I think you're saying that if you buy her condoms, you believe you'd be encouraging her. Perhaps if you were to just hand over the condoms without a word, she might take it that way. However, if you were to explain that you'd only want her to use them if she were dead set on doing it, I don't see how it could be seen as encouragement; you can easily make it 'as a last resort...'. I think it's safe to say that while you would prefer your daugthter didn't have sex at all, if she did anyway, you would atleast prefer that her odds at pregnancy were slim. Teen access to sexual and reproductive health services works wonders for the developed countries who use this system; I think it's high time the americans joined in.

 

[Asguard]

LA put it this way chose the best option
1) she has sex, she knows she can come to you if she needs to, she uses protection and she does it in a safe enviroment
2) you throw her BF out and forbit her to ever see him. She tells you to go fuck yourself and you never see her again. She probably gets in to drugs and she becomes an OD statistic
3) you feel uncomfertable and you dont discuss hit with her in an adult way and she doesnt have a safe enviroment. She gets raped (either by him or someone else) in the back of some car or a club because she doesnt know what to do and she has no way out
4) as above but this time its conentual EXCEPT that she doesnt use protection and ends up pregnant or with syfilis or HIV

 

[Betrayer0fHope]

If the only thing holding her back is the lack of condoms, then of course don't give them. In almost ANY other circumstance, you'd be an irresponsible parent in my eyes and the eyes of other if you didn't give her condoms and sat idly by while your daughter was impregnated by a man like that.

 

[Betrayer0fHope]

LA put it this way chose the best option
1) she has sex, she knows she can come to you if she needs to, she uses protection and she does it in a safe environment
2) you throw her BF out and forbid her to ever see him. She tells you to go fuck yourself and you never see her again. She probably gets in to drugs and she becomes an OD statistic
3) you feel uncomfortable and you don't discuss hit with her in an adult way and she doesn't have a safe environment. She gets raped (either by him or someone else) in the back of some car or a club because she doesn't know what to do and she has no way out
4) as above but this time its consensual EXCEPT that she doesn't use protection and ends up pregnant or with syphilis or HIV

lol, I think there are more than just those options. I decided to correct all of the spelling errors too. Wee!