Would you ask that if your child had shot him/herself in the head and you came home and had to call the ambulance while you cleaned up the blood. OR if say you came home and found your mother hanging from stairs with a noose around her head.
No you wouldn't.
Nebuchadnezzaar said:
I started this thread for that precise reason. When the person who has killed herself is no longer around to tell you why, you search everywhere for answers.
I didn't find my mother with a noose around her neck. The police called to tell me she was dead. Had been dead for about 5 days before anyone noticed the newspapers were piling up on the lawn. (She lived in a different state from me, so it's not like I drove by everyday). She choked to death on her own vomit after she swallowed about 20 bottles worth of pills with a chardonnay chaser.
There was a note, but it just told me and my brother how to divide up her stuff.
I'm depressed, clinically and organically. I've thought of many interesting ways to take my own life. I have stared longingly at bridges and wondered how fast my car had to go to break through the safety rail. Or if my vacuum cleaner's cord would support my weight over the ceiling fan long enough to break my neck. I saved up prescription medications and kept them on standby (like mother like daughter, I guess). I haven't done it (obviously) but in my own mind, had I chosen to suicide, I would have known why.
I have no clue why my mother did.
I've spent the last 8 months just being really angry and honestly hating her for leaving me. I'd like to move past that, but I'm stalled at the why issue. I was kind of hoping someone else who had a similar experience could share some wisdom.
In short, I have to disagree with your premise. Finding a loved one cold and dead on the floor with an empty pill bottle in their hand actually inspires asking why, because when that person is gone, they've taken the answers with them.
My mother took her life in July or 2000. Lucky for me I have sort of come to terms with why my mother killed herself, this has only been due to the help of my father and sister and some of her closest friends.
Suicide is always forgivable, if you can't forgive the person who has passed then you will never finish grieving properly. Though grieving is a process which never truely ends, it can end in terms of constant pain felt.
Soon after my died i began taking drugs(only marajuana) on a grander scale than otherwise normally would have. By 2002 I was absolutely depressed, i went to see at least four different psychologists many times always thinking they had nothing to offer me. Many times i thought about ways to dissapear, to kill myself, thinking the pain was so bad and that nothing would ever happen to change that. I used to drink so much alcohol in a night hoping that i would get poisoning and never wake up.
But I could never truely kill myself, no matter how depressed i got, probably because i was never really that bad. People can get much worse than i was and as it seems you are, you still have control over your thoughts it seems.
but you are depressed. The thing which saved me was the faact that i didn't want to end up like my mum, i didn't want to leave my loved ones behind, i didn't want to miss out on the fun things that COULD and HAVE ended up happening. I've learnt that life is a state of mind, if you think it is shit it will be shit and so on. That may sound like philosophical bullshit but it's not, it's real.
If you want to not be depressed, you have to keep telling yourself that you don't want to be depressed, that you want to get better, that you want to function properly, that you don't want to let sadness rule over you. Keep telling yourself that.
The you have to take action, be it going to see a psychologist, just to tell them your problems, it's always good to talk to a person about your problems because it takes some of the burden off of you.
I have more i'd like to write but i feel i should stop now.
remember, depression is a disease, and like any other, can be defeated.
