The 30 Commandments From the 3 Tablets
1. Thou shalt have no strange gods or singing idols before Me, for I will be jealous of them.
2. Thou shalt not ever take the surname of thy Lord thy God [Dammit] in vain.
3. Remember thou to keep holy the Sabbath Day, and thus not even lift up a finger or do wholly the laundry.
4. Humor thy father and thy mother — never tell them where you’ve been!
5. Thou shalt not kill, except outlaws and in-laws.
6. Thou shalt not admit adultery.
7. Thou shalt not steal, except for office supplies and sundries from restaurants.
8. Thou shalt not bare falsies.
9. Covet Heavenly bodies and make love to thy neighbor.
10. Ever covet thy own ass — tie it to a tree.
11. Do one to others before they can do one to you.
12. I work in mysterious (crazy and insane) ways.
13. Don’t try to walk on water except during a very cold winter.
14. Fun is sin’s evil twin outside of the Sin-a-God.
15. You can have free will, but only if it matches My will.
16. Do not lie in court — let your lawyer do it for you!
17. Thou shalt only one spouse—this is called monotony! More than one spouse is called spice.
18. You are ever at fault for the sins of your ancestors.
19. Tell Me how darn great I am — or be tortured and burned in Hell forever.
20. I think I goofed — I made you in My own image!
21. Heaven is a wild place — you can do whatever you want!
22. You may commit horrible sins if you repent them.
23. I fully expect children not to touch something when I tell them not to.
24. I shall murder all mankind again anytime that I choose, but, not by flood, for I’ve promised not to, but by Earthquake!
25. Preferential treatment is given to those who beg, grovel, and ask for favors to get ahead of others.
26. I use My higher level intelligence to throw tantrums and have emotional outbursts!
27. We have had the last supper — no more free meals.
28. I crap on the just and the unjust alike.
29. If someone kisses your ass, then turn the other cheek.
30. I am in your heart — in your mind — and in your end.