Should I stay in the closet?

[Xerxes]

I am a closet non-believer with a dilemma:

a) Should I tell my family, and risk being kicked out. Or
b) Should I wait until after school is done and I have a FT job?

With the first option, I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I have been doing this for the last few years and it feels as though I am using them. They are allowing me to stay at home rent-free doing this in the unspoken confidence that I will grow up to raise a Jewish family. This of course will never happen.

The truth is, I AM using them. It feels dirty. So when I do tell them, they will feel betrayed.

Then again, I feel betrayed myself; they forced me into this predicament by raising me under religious terms. If I do admit to not believing in any religion or book of rules, some BAD shit will go down. My family is not as stable as it appears and this could end up destroying it as my parents will feel obligated to take sides.

So.. do I go on being a coward, hiding my true self. Or do I come out with the truth regardless of any consequences? I am leaning towards b) but once I break the news there will be no turning back.

What do you people suggest? And please no yes/no answers. I need reasons. How do I go about telling parents the one thing they don't want to hear?

 

[geeser]

I am a closet non-believer with a dilemma:

a) Should I tell my family, and risk being kicked out. Or

so you think you family dont love you then.

b) Should I wait until after school is done and I have a FT job?

With the first option, I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I have been doing this for the last few years and it feels as though I am using them. They are allowing me to stay at home rent-free doing this in the unspoken confidence that I will grow up to raise a Jewish family. This of course will never happen.

The truth is, I AM using them. It feels dirty. So when I do tell them, they will feel betrayed.

why do you feel guilty, were you not indoctrinated, from birth, did they not abuse you as a baby( by that I mean, circumcision, but not on medical grounds.) you have nothing to feel ashamed of, they have made you the person you are, you've grown up to be a sensible person, have you not, what the hell do you think you need to defend yourself for.

Then again, I feel betrayed myself; they forced me into this predicament by raising me under religious terms. If I do admit to not believing in any religion or book of rules, some BAD shit will go down. My family is not as stable as it appears and this could end up destroying it as my parents will feel obligated to take sides.

then I sorry if this is harsh, they are not worthy to be your parents, you should come first before any religion.

So.. do I go on being a coward, hiding my true self. Or do I come out with the truth regardless of any consequences? I am leaning towards b) but once I break the news there will be no turning back.

sooner better than later I would say,once it's done the pressures off, the problems solved and you know where you stand.

What do you people suggest? And please no yes/no answers. I need reasons. How do I go about telling parents the one thing they don't want to hear?

theres no easy way, than just say it, if they really need a explaination, then they've only to look to themselves.

 

[superluminal]

Bummer dude.

1) You are not using them. If you are truly convinced that they will have a meltdown if you are honest with them, then they don't deserve the truth.

2) I would suggest you keep up the pretense until you are out of the house. That way you at least have the ability to bail on them if they give you too much shit at one time. You've been doing it this long already.

3) Clearly you have to tell them at some point since it seems to be a major expectation of you and your future family. I would do it long before I got to the family stage. You can tell them that you simply don't follow religion of any kind and you're quite happy that way. You don't have to defend yourself. They may rant and rave, but you don't have to. They're the irrational ones after all.

 

[Xerxes]

so you think you family dont love you then.

They love me of course. But as soon as I move on, it's almost a given that they will disown me. My father has done that to almost everyone in his own family. He's fucking psycho.

why do you feel guilty, were you not indoctrinated, from birth, did they not abuse you as a baby( by that I mean, circumcision, but not on medical grounds.) you have nothing to feel ashamed of, they have made you the person you are, you've grown up to be a sensible person, have you not, what the hell do you think you need to defend yourself for.

I like being circumsized actually But you're right, I do harbour feelings of resentment towards them.

I sorry if this is harsh, they are not worthy to be your parents, you should come first before any religion.sooner better than later I would say,once it's done the pressures off, the problems solved and you know where you stand.theres no easy way, than just say it, if they really need a explaination, then they've only to look to themselves.

Too bad the majority of parents aren't worthy. People are stupid, crazy, irrational...

I plan on telling them. The question is when is best?

Bummer dude.

1) You are not using them. If you are truly convinced that they will have a meltdown if you are honest with them, then they don't deserve the truth.

2) I would suggest you keep up the pretense until you are out of the house. That way you at least have the ability to bail on them if they give you too much shit at one time. You've been doing it this long already.

3) Clearly you have to tell them at some point since it seems to be a major expectation of you and your future family. I would do it long before I got to the family stage. You can tell them that you simply don't follow religion of any kind and you're quite happy that way. You don't have to defend yourself. They may rant and rave, but you don't have to. They're the irrational ones after all.

In a way I agree with you.. but it's more complex. This charade has to be kept up not only infront of my parents, but also my friends, aquaintences, pretty much anyone I meet. I'm being dishonest to myself.

And besides that, I feel guilty thumbing my nose at them just as soon as I don't need their support anymore. Heck I'm 20, I should be able to support myself. But it's easier living at home.



Thanks for the advice, you two.

 

[usp8riot]

I don't think the truth should be known if it causes more problems/hurts than resolutions/cures. That's my general rule. The way to peace. If you have a problem with someone and a difference of opinions, why tell them your opinion if it's going to piss them off? If I tell you everything that pisses me off about you, it would probably piss you off and it's a chain reaction. Opinions, unless asked for, shouldn't be told. But a wise man should only ask an opinion if he is mature/controlled enough to handle it if it should be something unexpected or disagreeable. Don't tell him you disagree and maybe he won't tell you he agrees with the bible or whatever. If you talk about what you don't agree on, you wind up in disagreements. Always best to talk about your likes, what you agree on, and things that will bring about peace. If he's fine believing with not much to back it up, then so be it. If you're not, then by all means, question where you can find the answer. But when it comes down to it, if he really does believe in God, he would want you to believe also if he truly has found peace within himself. If he hasn't found that peace, he wouldn't care if he shares with you what he knows or not. So if he will be angry with you, more than likely, he has no peace and therefore, has none to give for you or hasn't found the peace of belief himself. Anyhow, I'll end it before I go on too long.

 

[c7ityi_]

do what you want. do what feels right, when it feels right.

wait for the right moment. maybe it will come, maybe it won't come.

if people like you when you're wearing a mask, they only like the mask, not the real face.

anyway. you probably already know what is best to do.

 

[Crunchy Cat]

I am a closet non-believer with a dilemma:

a) Should I tell my family, and risk being kicked out. Or
b) Should I wait until after school is done and I have a FT job?

With the first option, I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I have been doing this for the last few years and it feels as though I am using them. They are allowing me to stay at home rent-free doing this in the unspoken confidence that I will grow up to raise a Jewish family. This of course will never happen.

The truth is, I AM using them. It feels dirty. So when I do tell them, they will feel betrayed.

Then again, I feel betrayed myself; they forced me into this predicament by raising me under religious terms. If I do admit to not believing in any religion or book of rules, some BAD shit will go down. My family is not as stable as it appears and this could end up destroying it as my parents will feel obligated to take sides.

So.. do I go on being a coward, hiding my true self. Or do I come out with the truth regardless of any consequences? I am leaning towards b) but once I break the news there will be no turning back.

What do you people suggest? And please no yes/no answers. I need reasons. How do I go about telling parents the one thing they don't want to hear?

This all depends on how well your family can cope with the truth and you can cope with the consequences. I took the path of a) because I grossly mis-judged the power belief had over my family. It was a pretty ugly scene.

 

[Godless]

Break the news to them gently.

They are your parents, they will probably think your going through some fase in your life, so let them belive such a thing.

You have nothing to be quilty of.

Don't worry hang in there, it's family they will always love you, and if they want to disown you so be it, make a fortune and give it to charity, but not a single dime to them, this will let them know were you stand.

BTW i'm the only atheist in my family. I still live with mom, and communicate with all of them, some know, some don't need to know.

Godless

 

[leopold]

I am a closet non-believer with a dilemma:

a) Should I tell my family, and risk being kicked out. Or
b) Should I wait until after school is done and I have a FT job?

what does you heart tell you to do?

on a personal note i was raised in a bible thumping religious household
i went to church EVERY sunday no exceptions

do i believe in a god?
mankind has been grappling with that question since the dawn of time
i haven't seen any evidence that says there isn't
i also haven't seen any evidence that says there is

what do i think you should do?
there are some things that a man has to take that last step alone

 

[perplexity]

I saw your appeal to E-Sangha and I wonder if you tried anywhere else.

My heart is with you.

As a child I was jealous of orphans,
so much so that I turned my back on the family as soon as I'd finished school,
and with nowhere else in particular to go to,
but I got by somehow, by the good grace of the Universe,
and my own appreciation of strangers who were kinder to me than family had been before.
Those first few years of freedom were indeed the best of my life, by far.

Then the guilt trip that I'd run away from began to catch up with me.
With a few years gone by I went back to see them again,
and from there on too much of the rest of my life was wasted on minding their inadequacies instead of my own survival.

Eventually, for ten years before my mother died,
it had soured to such an extent that I never went to see her and hardly knew how to talk to her anyway.
The adult that I had become was a total stranger to her;
She was so totally stuck with her preconceptions and expectations formed half a century before,
that the realiity of the changed me was nothing but a cause of terror to her.

What then you should do immediately for yourself, Xerxes,
that is for you to decide,
according to your knowledge of the personalities and the real time circumstance,
but this I do say confidently:
If you are thinking in terms of some kind of action to resolve the situation as if then to proceed to cope, think again.

For better or for worse, parents are a life long issue.

"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
(W. Shakespeare, Hamlet: Act I, Scene III)

---

 

[Xerxes]

usp8riot,

Funny thing is I'm not trying to argue or create conflict. I am internalizing this crap instead of letting the parents deal with it themselves.


Godless,

Best advice yet. But eventually one has to say if they "are" or "aren't", unambiguously.


leopold,

My heart is telling me to get piss-drunk and THEN break the news! Seriously. Is this wise though?


perplexity,

I saw your appeal to E-Sangha and I wonder if you tried anywhere else.

Only these two. For some reason I am unable to access E-Sangha.

so much so that I turned my back on the family as soon as I'd finished school,

The least that I want is to cause family problems. This would be easier if I weren't so dependant on them.. wouldn't have to see them everyday. Hence, they wouldn't have anyone to yell at. But the way things are, there is too much room for conflict.

Good quote. What would Shakespeare do? Wasn't he disowned for becoming a playwright ? (shaming the family..)

 

[duendy]

It obviosly is bothering you keeping this big secret....so tell them??
then IF they react negatively realize that THEY own that reponse. this way you wont take on THEIR negativity, yeah? you are simply being your own person. itegral. not cowtowing to anyone's authority.

did ou know that 'heresy' means literally 'wrong choice'?.....so what we need is the POWER of choice, right?

 

[perplexity]

Deleted

 

[Godless]

My heart is telling me to get piss-drunk and THEN break the news! Seriously. Is this wise though?

No they'll think you'r just drunk.

You can make it clear to them, by giving hints bits by bits, break it to them gently, they'll realize the way you think of things, give your honest opinion often, make mild jokes, ext. then just let them know. By then you would have conditioned them about your doubts and concerns.

Godless

 

[Hapsburg]

I am a closet non-believer with a dilemma:

a) Should I tell my family, and risk being kicked out. Or
b) Should I wait until after school is done and I have a FT job?

If your family would kick you out because of your personal beliefs, then they really aren't much of a family. You'd be better off without them, living with people that would care about you.

 

[TheVisitor]

I am a closet non-believer with a dilemma:

a) Should I tell my family, and risk being kicked out. Or
b) Should I wait until after school is done and I have a FT job?

With the first option, I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I have been doing this for the last few years and it feels as though I am using them. They are allowing me to stay at home rent-free doing this in the unspoken confidence that I will grow up to raise a Jewish family. This of course will never happen.

Do you know that we are at the end of the Gentile age, like it was at the end of the Jewish age.
Now, Jesus made Himself known as the Messiah to them by a Messiahic sign.
He had the Messiah sign
He said, "If I do not the works of My Father, believe Me not."
The woman at the well said, "We know when the Messiah cometh, He will tell us this."
See?... And so to know the secrets of their heart, to do just the same thing He has always done...would prove it was Him.
He promised He would do that same sign at the end time
He has come and been revealed from heaven.
He has shown the messiahic sign to the gentiles in this age.
He is still here, calling out a people....one by one
And he will send two prophets to the Israelites with the same message, when He is done with the gentiles.
Don't give up....He has hid the truth for a reason, but if you have the ability to hear, you will.

 

[duendy]

Xerxes...hey, sorry, didn't realize you were so young---ie/. still at school

yes this is a tough problem especially for one so young.
I am sure that if you can convey to you parents that you till love them despite rejecting te Jewish faith this will soften thepossible blow
this is e trouble with tradition. this is the main cause of fukin conflicts betwee families, groups, and on and on

but you have to be wstrong. you say you feel dirrty lying totem. feel like you are using tem...is that not love?? tell te all tis. get te courage. take deep breaths. tell tem you have someting VERY serious you wish to discuss with them. make sure you are all not disturbed, sat down etc. and tell te everyting. how yu have suffered worrying about tis, everyting. open our heart. but be strong and not swayed...IF they try and change yo mind

of COURSEit is not gonna be easy. tese kind of things nev er are. but i am sure you will feel fre-er once you unburden yourself from this mindfuk

 

[Varda]

i haven't read the thread and i don't know if anyone has given you this advice, but if you have a good enough relationship with your parents, you should talk to them and say that you have been questioning your beliefs... i think that they will understand, everyone goes through that at a point in life, they must have gone through this too.... that way you don't have to lie to them, and they will certainly not be upset

 

[charles cure]

I am a closet non-believer with a dilemma:

a) Should I tell my family, and risk being kicked out. Or
b) Should I wait until after school is done and I have a FT job?

With the first option, I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I have been doing this for the last few years and it feels as though I am using them. They are allowing me to stay at home rent-free doing this in the unspoken confidence that I will grow up to raise a Jewish family. This of course will never happen.

you aren't using your parents, you are towing the line to stay secure. playing by someones rules because you have to in order to get something you want is always tough, but its not necessarily wrong. lots of people hide things from their parents because they are afraid that they will receive a bad reaction or a punishment of some kind. i suggest that you decide what to do based on what you think is more important. is it more important to you that you continue to reap the benefits of living rent-free with your parents...etc, or is it simply too much for you to continue on as if you believe, because you feel like you are living some type of lie? if you can tolerate it, you can always keep doing what you are doing now and then "come out" later and act as though it is a recent revelation, once you are on your own and it doesnt matter as much anymore. many parents are too hard on or judge their children unfairly, remember that. your parents reaction to what you do or do not believe will reflect their own flaws or understandings, and not yours. if you are to do what you think is right for you, you have to be sure that you can absorb the consequences of it. good luck.

 

[alexb123]

Xerxes well done for not following the crowd. I admire your stand and I wish you well.

This is a very hard problem to deal with. What is the standard reaction of a Jewish family to a family member admitting to being a none believer? I know that J Witnesses turn their backs on their family as a matter of procedure.

Also could you play a compromise card and say that you are having problems following your religion and that you need some time away from it? This way you could test the water with their reaction. It may lead to them trying to force more religion on you, so you would have to be firm. But if this does happen you can then denounce religion and blame them for the pressure driving you away. Also this could mean that they get use to your new position over time.