whitewolf said:
Two years ago, I tired of chasing Happiness. I promised myself to remain single until I turn 20; after that, I vowed, I'd accept the first (hu)man that proposed affection. (Laugh, but it's sad.)
I think tragic is more the word in this case. You became tired of chasing happiness when you were 18? Eh? Sheesh you must have been one miserable teenager if you were chasing happiness. White, happiness is a state of mind. One does not chase it. It is not some object that one has to obtain.
I did remain single; circumstances assisted me. Now, I turned 20 and the usual issue came back. Some nights ago, I cried out to my pillow: "God, why didn't you make happiness for me?!" (Laugh.) Lo and behold, a man came along!
Ah... so for you happiness means having a man. Sad indeed. If you aren't happy with yourself, you wont be happy with anyone. No man can give you something that you can't identify in yourself first. It would have been greatly amusing if the first human to show you affection turned out to be a 70 year old man taking viagra.
He is good-looking, as many would say. His personal qualities are good, too. He has remembered me since the first and last time we saw each other years back and he is interested in me. He is about 30 years old, with wrinkles. He scares me. Besides that, I am secretly praying for affection from certain others.
Let me get this straight. He has good qualities but he scares you? How in the hell can being scary to you be a good quality? Dear god where does one even begin with this.
1. His looks should not matter.
2. If his personal qualities are good, he should not be scary.
3. If he is 30 and has wrinkles then he is either not 30 or has been out in the sun too much and you could be facing a future of caring for him later on when he develops skin cancer.
4. If you're secretly pining for the love of another, steer clear of the man who's too old for you because you maturity level appears to be that of a 13 year old and he could only be interested in you because your boobs havent dropped down to below waist level as yet.
5. If he scares you, then keep on walking. Why in the hell would you want to become involved with someone who scares you? Scares you how anyway?
This dilemma deals strictly with personal values, will power, integrity, promises, loyalty to self.
If you're loyal to yourself and have any sense of integrity, you wouldn't become involved with someone just because they showed you some affection. Does he know that you promised yourself that you'd accept the first human being who showed you some affection? Does he know that you don't feel happy unless you have a boyfriend? Does he know that you're desperate for any guy that comes along because of the promise you made to yourself?
I must reach a decision before this Friday evening. The situation is fully under my control. Discuss and share personal experiences.
Why this Friday? Does the magical spell expire on Friday evening? Has he proposed to several girls and the first one to accept wins? And you want us to share personal experiences? White, by the time I'd reached 20, I was mature enough to understand and know what happiness means and mature enough to know that happiness does not come in the form of a man. I was mature enough to be happy without a man by my side. I was also mature enough not to be obsessed and desperate to be married and willing to settle 'for the first human to show me affection'.
It is ridiculous to think of dating him, precisely because he is 30; I know exactly what he wants. Another one of my (very good) resolutions was not to date anyone younger than me and anyone older than me by over a year. And I can deal with him (being 20, not 18).
Let me guess, you also have a resolution that you won't date anyone who's shorter than you. White, age doesn't come into it. If you love someone, you love them. Frankly, after reading through this thread, I think the only guy that would be mature enough for you right now would be a guy that is 13.
Sad part is, he's had a habit of dating girls 10 yrs younger. Tells a lot about his mind. What my friend (mediator) said sounds precisely like he's trying to charm a 14-yr-old. It makes me sick already. Those are "what-if's". I can be open-minded.
WTF? At least he's mature enough to know what he wants and likes. He's not desperate enough to grab the first one that comes along. What's wrong with dating someone 10 years younger, 10 years older or even a difference of 20 years? Your mediator said that it's like he's trying to charm a 14 year old probably because your mediator sees that you have the mentality and maturity level of a 14 year old.
God, you have no idea how badly I want to settle down and never have this headache. It'll take time to find the guy and to get him to commit, so even if I start now I'll look at marriage only in some five years, even more.
Are you serious? You're that desperate? What about school? Travel? Most importantly, growing up? Christ little girl, if you wanted to be married that much, you should have started to look when you were 15. Then you could force him to commit by the time you turn 20, then you wouldn't have had to face the possibility of waiting until you're in your old age of 25, or god forbid 27, before you force the first guy that comes along to marry you. The way you sound, it's as though you'll just marry anyone who fits into your provisions and resolutions. You actually think you'll find happiness that way? Oh wait. For you happiness comes with being married and having the title of 'Mrs'.
And white, you can't 'get' a guy to commit. The guy must actually want to commit to you.
My problem is the promise I made to my dear self. When I was making it, I had valid reasons (which I still have), and I made a point that this is the promise I will definitely keep.
Promise? You made a promise to yourself to settle for the first guy that comes along and shows you any form of affection. Unless you've promised to remain chaste until you get married and now you're getting antsy.
There are plenty of successful relationships with a larger age difference than this. I even know of one, personally. Be open-minded. Or at least bring up more arguments while keeping in mind I'm not a little girl and our aims in the relationship may match.
You're the one who appears to have a problem with the fact that he's 10 years older than you. To quote you from earlier posts in this thread:
He is about 30 years old, with wrinkles. He scares me.
Hell you almost described him as being a peadophile in this one:
It is ridiculous to think of dating him, precisely because he is 30;
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Sad part is, he's had a habit of dating girls 10 yrs younger. Tells a lot about his mind. What my friend (mediator) said sounds precisely like he's trying to charm a 14-yr-old. It makes me sick already. Those are "what-if's". I can be open-minded.
It's not a matter of being open minded. It's a matter of not having the maturity of a gnat.
He is not a completely useless acquaintance; he is quite knowledgeable in various areas, including martial arts, yoga, ballroom dancing, computers.
How lovely! That means that he can protect you from the bogey man while waltzing with you as he demonstrates his ability to stretch into all sorts of positions while he tells you what's wrong with your hard drive.
To me, marriage is for making a family and ensuring happiness for a child. Thus, it is a promise to stand by the spouse through all joys and sadness; marriage is for life.
Pray tell, how much happiness can you ensure a child if you aren't happy yourself in the marriage? What kind of role model would you be for a child seeing what your thoughts of needing to settle down and getting a guy to commit? Let me ask you a question. Would you stay married to a person because of the children, even if your partner who beat you on a daily basis?
It follows, that all legal considerations "in case of divorse" are a sign that the partner isn't planning to keep that promise even before the married life begins.
One would think that it is more a sign of being prudent and not wanting to be stripped of all of one's belongings if things do go sour. With the exception of death and taxes, nothing in life is certain. A marriage can end in divorce, no matter how much both parties to the marriage are against the idea of a divorce.
Obviously, to me, marriage is absolutely necessary. And it is my ultimate goal in a relationship. I'll consider your reasoning on how that's idiocy.
Why is it absolutely necessary? It's only a piece of paper and a little bit of jewellery on your finger.
White, I'll give you some advice. Any guy you date or become involved with from now on, tell them that you think marriage is absolutely necessary and is your goal in a relationship. Tell them that on the first date because the guy needs to know where he stands and you need to be honest.
Just remember to keep your eyes closed after you've told him though because the dust flying up from his fleeing in the opposite direction could get in your eyes.
And if I were you, I'd listen to Sarge. He put it best when he said 'Grow up'.