Lightgigantic ....
Lightgigantic ....
Locking a car door, using a club, locking your house doors and keeping the porch light on ... yeah, these are the equivalent of an open-ended prevention theory that women are somehow expected to subscribe to.
To reiterate:
• So when people say that we all have to take precautions, well, sure, this is true. But it's a vastly different context for men than women.
(#15, to Bells)
• No, really, at what point does this get ridiculous?
(#6, to Lightgigantic)
• But if we leave the discussion at your points about self-therapy for rapists and prevention for potential victims, the best way for women to prevent their own rapes is to never associate with males, period.
(ibid)
I don't think you have the merest speck of a clue how stupid and offensive it is to compare putting a Club lock on my steering wheel to the insane, open-ended prevention theory that puts the burden of men's behavior onto women.
And you still seem to be ignoring the fact that most rapes are committed by people known to the victim. So let us try applying your prevention theory:
Meet Jane. She works for a small architectural firm in a mid-sized city, and has been there for years. Jane is well liked and respected among her co-workers, and she even considers them friends.
Meet Bob. He works for the same firm, and has known Jane for several years. Everybody thinks they're good friends. After all, Jane and her husband have hosted Bob and his girlfriend for dinner. Jane's kids call him by name. Even her husband likes Bob; he's a fun guy to have a beer and watch the football match with.
On an autumn evening, the team finishes their work on the current project. Jane and Bob are left to file away the last of the paperwork.
The thing is, Bob secretly wants Jane. So as they're walking out to the parking lot, he makes a pass, which the married woman obviously is not anxious to take. So Bob is more forceful, pinning her against her car and groping her. Jane happens to be a woman who doesn't always carry her keys in her purses, and this is one of those nights. So she reaches into her pocket, grasps the keyring so that the keys are sticking between her fingers, and punches Bob as hard as she can, causing considerable pain and winning her enough time to get the hell out of there.
And perhaps we might say, "Good on her. She knew what to do, and how to prevent her rape."
But tell me, what did she do to invite the rape? That is, what precautions should she have taken to make sure that her good friend, a man she trusted even around her children, would not have attempted to rape her?
After all, since it's
her responsibility to not tempt rapists, what did she do wrong?
Really, is her haircut too sexy? How about her outfit? Does she wear the wrong style of makeup? Is it her fault for smiling at his jokes over the years?
What? What should she have done to prevent Bob from attempting to rape her?
The years have seen my car stolen twice. I've been assaulted by a drunk in a club. It even happened once that I was shot at. I have been attacked by my domestic partner; several years ago she even threatened my life—and it's worth noting she does own a handgun.
But nothing ...
nothing I have been through compares to Jane's experience. My car? Hell, I was never in any danger. The drunk in the club? Really, the idea that he assaulted me is correct only by technical definitions; it's not like he was in any condition to do me damage. My former partner? Well, we eventually did the smart thing and separated; our relationship is much better now, and our daughter is absolutely awesome.
My family and social relationships have never been shattered the way a rape or even attempted rape can turn Jane's personal sense of safety to shards in the dirt. I've never had to rebuild my understanding of friendship and human relationships the way far too many of my female friends have had to after being raped or escaping an attempted rape.
Spend a night, sometime, sitting back to back in the middle of a room with a rape survivor suffering paranoid delusions, guarding against the goddamn Devil creeping out of the shadows. Listen to your lover tearfully apologize for having been raped years before you ever met her. Watch a woman you love deeply freeze and tremble helplessly in the middle of a conversation because memories of a decade ago wash through her like an icy toxin, and not even she knows what the trigger is.
And then listen to somebody compare her burden, what she
should have done to prevent all this, to putting a steering wheel lock on their car.
What should Jane have done?
And when I think of Sarah, Sonja, Suzanne, and Theresa, yeah, there
is actually something they could have done to prevent the rape. They could never have accepted the invitation for the dates.
And we haven't even gotten to the ones who never stood a chance. I mean, when her rapist is her father, or maybe her cousin? No, really. Tell her about prevention theory.
And when the doctors in the psychiatric ward are happy to see you because their patient always calms down when you arrive, and stays in a reasonably pleasant mood for a while after you leave, maybe that would be a good time to start lecturing a rape survivor on what she should have done to prevent her rape. You know, because maybe you're smart enough to put a steering wheel lock on your car, so, yeah, you know about crime prevention.