Here is a copy of an interview I did regarding this topic.
~ Could you please explain what it feels like to do the drug Ecstasy?
Wow. That’s a tough first question (laughs). That would be like trying to explain what it feels like to love. Or trying to explain what it feels like to be happy. The feeling is probably different for everyone, but if I were to generalize it, then I would say it feels “pleasurable” – extremely pleasurable. It’s sort of like being a kid on the night before Christmas… with all those butterflies in your stomach; all that energy.
~ Tell me about the first time you took Ecstasy.
Well. I was at a party with a bunch of people and I knew I was going to roll that night. So I was already pretty nervous about the whole thing. I’d bought the pills earlier in the day and they were burning a hole in my pocket. I showed up with some friends and almost everyone there was already rolling. It was an E party – I wasn’t really into clubs at the time. We would all just hang out and trip together. It was fun. Everyone was super happy and super open about everything. We were all in love with each other – it was like a giant orgy without the sex. But, there was a lot of hugging and kissing and touching and whatnot. Every girl was beautiful and they were all interested in me. And I was in love with all of them.
Right as I was peaking, I was dancing in the middle of the room. I felt like there was nobody else around me – like I was in Heaven, dancing on a cloud. I couldn’t feel my body because my mood was so overwhelming – so fantastic. It was like an out of body experience. One of the best feelings I have ever felt… At least I think that was the first time.
~ So you would say that taking E is a good experience?
Yeah, but not exactly… There are also a whole lot of negative things that come along with taking Ecstasy. For example, it’s very addictive. And the more you do it, the harder it is to know what real happiness is. Essentially, it’s an easy escape from reality – and no matter how real it feels, it’s not. Because the drug forces the release of obscene amounts of serotonin in your brain, biologically it really does feel like love. But it’s a false love without all of the emotional and mental bonds that support true love.
I remember the first time I took E, I was so happy that I was crying. I was talking to the most beautiful girl and telling her everything. I mean everything – my deepest, darkest secrets that I never told anyone. And I didn’t care at the time – being totally honest felt so natural and real. And she was doing the same thing. We shared our souls like we’d known each other forever… and we were closer than Romeo and Juliet. It was amazing. I never knew I could be that way.
But the next day, I had to deal with the consequences. The truth was, I barely knew the girl. And I had told her private things that I should have reserved for my true love. Emotionally, it was a real shock. I learned how to be open and honest in a way I never knew was possible, but I wasted it on the wrong person. It was pretty disappointing.
Also, taking any drug can be dangerous – especially E. When you’re on it, you’re so damned happy that you don’t care about anything – so safety isn’t really an issue. You can barely feel your body, and even if you could it wouldn’t matter. Pain would probably feel good.
~ Did you take the drug again?
Yeah, but I was more careful about my emotions. And I was much more careful about my environment. It’s a great feeling and once I did it once, I had to do it again. Like I said, it’s very addicting. Who wouldn’t want to feel like a little kid again, without a care in the world? Who wouldn’t want to dance on a cloud? Plus there are a lot of other things that happen to you physically – it opens up your mind in a way. You can learn a whole lot about yourself and about the world when you’re on Ecstasy. As long as you’re a smart a responsible person, you’ll enjoy it. It you’re not – or if you have emotional problems – then you’re going to have a really bad trip. Rolling isn’t all fun and games.
~ What do you mean by that?
Once you’re comfortable with yourself like that, you see the world in a different way. Also, there are a lot of psychedelic side effects – so it feels like you exist on a different level of consciousness. When you’re coming down off the high and the euphoria wanes, your mind starts playing tricks on you. Things look different – no, that’s not right… things are different. They feel more real.
I’m not a philosopher or anything, but I read a lot – and I’m lucky to be as smart as I am. Most people don’t really understand that tripping can be a spiritual experience. Everybody that does drugs thinks that they understand, and they use “expanding your mind” as an excuse to get fucked up. But hardly anybody I know actually uses drugs for that purpose. They sit around and stare at the wall and listen to Led Zeppelin over and over again. It’s a shame really, because the experience could be so much more than that. I’d compare it to what Socrates said about separating yourself from the body in order to understand the true nature of the universe.
I’m lucky. Or maybe I’m just smart. Before I ever took a psychedelic drug, I learned about Plato and Aristotle. I read The Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley, the guy that wrote Brave New World. I’ve studied Existentialism and Buddhism. And I’m always searching for meaning and I’m always thinking about the nature of the world. I’m into poetry and religion more than I’m into partying and forgetting. So when I took E, I used it a medium to understand the teachings of Siddhartha. I guess you could say that I used it to get closer to God - to understand a little better all of the stuff I’d been reading. And it worked. It really changed me… and when I learned everything I could, I stopped.
But there are a lot of other people who don’t know anything about anything. All they want is that fake feeling of love – because they are depressed and they just can’t feel that great about life. But the truth is, anything that you can feel or see on a drug, you should be able to feel or see at the park on a nice day. And if you’re really lucky, you should be able to feel that way on a rainy day too. Nobody should ever take drugs so that they can escape reality, because then they become dependant. And nobody should ever take drugs as an excuse to “expand their mind” unless they’ve done a little bit of research first. There is so much to learn out there, but people are lazy. Ecstasy is lazy love.
~ Is that why you stopped?
That’s some of the reason. But mostly I stopped because I was becoming addicted and I couldn’t enjoy the drug anymore. Gradually, it became a party – I may be smart, but I’m not perfect. And worst of all, I was hanging out with the wrong people… Try talking to anyone about Phaedo or Crito or Metamorphoses or The Divine Comedy when your rolling; it’s just not possible. Hardly anybody cares about that stuff when they’re sober, let alone when they’re in super-love with the world. Everyone just wanted to dance and forget and fuck and draw stupid little pictures, and I got real tired of it. I wanted to learn more. And I was going on bad trips, so I stopped – and that’s when I realized how bad Ecstasy abuse actually is.
When I quit, life just wasn’t fun for a while. It took a couple of weeks before I started feeling normal again – and I had to turn down a lot of people who wanted me to keep partying. I had to separate myself from them. And I’m glad I did because they have lives that are going nowhere. Drugs are just an escape for them… and the ironic thing is, the escapee actually becomes a slave. They stop caring about the real love, because fake love is so easy to get. Most people don’t even understand that they are addicted because they are so happy. Your perception of yourself becomes so distorted – you’re almost schizophrenic. I know people that are still taking E… they’ve been taking it for years, and they won’t stop. I am so happy to be away from all that now.
The things that make me happy now are more real. The feeling isn’t as fleeting as a great trip. Even though rolling felt fantastic, I’d rather have the real love that my family offers me. I’d rather fall in love with a girl for real, and share my heart with her because I want to – not because a drug tricked me into believing I am safe, but because I actually am safe.
~ So does that mean you’ll never do drugs again?
If I said no, I wouldn’t be being honest with myself. I can’t see the future. E really did help me in a lot of ways, but that’s only because I’m smart enough to let it help me. I once saw this documentary on the Discovery Channel about Ecstasy and this 30-year-old man was dying from some sort of cancer. He was in a lot of pain and his marriage was utterly destroyed… He just couldn’t be happy. But then one of his wife’s friends suggested that they both take E before he died so that they could reconcile their love. They set a camera up on a tripod, took some pills, and recorded their last moments together. I’ll never forget how happy they were. The guy was dying but he looked like he was just born – Ecstasy really helped them, and it allowed the guy to die in peace. It was one of the most touching things I ever saw.
It really sucks that people ruin drugs by abusing them. After I saw that video, I had a whole different outlook on E. I think that it should probably be legalized for therapeutic purposes. There is no denying the positive effects it can have on the human psyche, that’s what it was invented for. But it should be used in controlled and safe environments. Also it could be used for spiritual purposes – to help one understand the nature of things. But where do you draw the line then? Who has the right to experience that fake inspiration? It’s really too hard a question – if people devoted more time learning and philosophy, then I could say everyone. But the truth is, only a select few people should ever take drugs for that reason. Most people can’t handle it – they are too sheltered. They isolate themselves.
I know that there is an answer to that question, but I’ll find it by myself and at the right time. As far as I’m concerned now, I’m too busy reading and writing and enjoying the beautiful things that life has to offer to be taking any drugs. But who know what the future holds. After everything I learned about Ecstasy, I think I’d like to take it again… long after I’ve fallen in real love with a girl. Sometimes, I think back to that girl at the party and I wonder what it would be like if I took E with my wife – instead of with a stranger. That would probably be one of the best experiences of my life. And you only live once, so why deny yourself that pleasure. But I will definitely wait until I have learned more about myself and about the world before I ever roll again – maybe I’ll wait until I’m 70 and I have a lot more wisdom. But by then I’ll probably be so out of the loop I won’t know where to score any bombs (laughs).
I’m lucky that I don’t have an addictive personality. Most people do, so I could never in good conscience suggest using E to anybody. But I can’t say that I’ll never roll again. Personally, I know that I’m strong enough to quit anything at anytime, because I have a lot of people who love me and I enjoy life. Also, I understand the pitfalls of addiction and I’m not about to let anything control me. If I ever do take E again, it certainly won’t be for recreation… I’ll probably mediate or something; try and float away into the clouds and learn even more about myself. But, if I don’t ever take E again, I’ll be doing the same thing – so it really doesn’t matter. Love is love, and once you find it, drugs are only inferior interpretations of the truth. You should be able to find ecstasy outside of the pill first; only then should you even consider experimenting with E. Otherwise, you’re doing yourself a great injustice.
