How do you ask. . .

M

Mystech

Adult Supervision Required
Registered Senior Member
Is there a tactful way to ask someone if they are gay? As a gay man myself I often have this problem, I'll suspect someone of faggotry (always pretty much just speculation and wishful thinking, of course :p hard to really tell) but don't feel right about asking.

Now, rightly it really shouldn't matter, right? Either way should be just as good, if I don't know the person well enough that they'd tell me then I probably shouldn't be asking, right? After all it's not a question that you ask mere acquaintances. But then I've got to admit that I myself always act more defensive and secretive when palling around straight guys, it can be a bit restricting if you really want to make a friend of someone rather than just be an acquaintance, so just to get things out in the open, and so that I can feel better about the whole situation, and just relax and be myself, I often feel that it would be best if someone knew, so that I don't have to tip toe around any related issues. Another thing is that it helps one to figure out just what the hell you intend in being with this person. If you really like this person, maybe they could be a romantic prospect, especially if he's cute! But then, thinking like that if he's straight is only going to cause you frustration in the long run, thinking that way when you don't know is just annoying as hell because you just don't know what to think, and hence the urge to figure it all out!

Herein lies the problem, though: If I were to ask a straight guy if he's gay, it can only go down a few ways, and none of them terribly fun. Either he'll think I'm accusing him of something, or maybe just that I'm joking (If I try to ask him levelly and not let him in on the fact that I'm a gay person asking him so that we can share more), Or if I phrase it such that I let him know that I'm gay, say like asking if he likes boys, too, then I set myself up for some pretty nasty shit if it turns out he doesn't take too kindly to that thing (In fact the first time I tried doing this, this is the way I did it, and it ended with my receiving anonymous death threats a week later, so I've kind of ruled this one out).

Anyway, to get to the point, I'm just wondering if anyone can think of a tactful way to ask someone that you are just getting to know if they are gay or not, it's a real bitch of a problem!
 
Haven't found one

I make the joke that people don't ask if I'm gay, they tell me I am. It's happened a number of times. ("Oh, my boyfriend doesn't worry," she says, "because you're gay.")

Ah. I see.

It's true; I'm prone to want another man from time to time, but I honestly can't tell you when was the last time I had some good c--k.

If it absolutely must be established whether someone is gay, the best I can manage is to bring it up in the abstract, and usually have the answer buried about twelve seconds into any discussion that results.

I think it's partially the notion of why anyone would care.

I take it back: once upon a time, a guy did ask a female friend of mine if she thought it would be inappropriate to offer to buy me a drink. No, I don't take it back. I guess he didn't ask me.

In other words ... I'm just babbling for the hell of it.

But I have found that, statistically, the people who ask are people who have some need to know. Seems a no-brainer, that. But I mean that many people who don't ask also tend not to care what the answer is.

:m:,
Tiassa :cool:
 
Hey, an earnest bending of the wrist and raising of the eyebrows can go a long way towards discerning a man's sexuality. :) Sorry, mostly teasing.

EDIT: OH, and to actually attempt to help.. uhm.. forthright apoligetic honesty is the only way to fly I'd guess if you really have to know. Something like "Okay, dude.. I swear I'll just walk away if you'd like.. but I find myself somewhat attracted to you (or whatever the actual reason you want to know is) and uh.. well, I'm not implying anything I swear, but I'm curious as to if you are open to being approached by men?"

or some variation on that theme... I say apoligetic because that can somewhat diffuse a misunderstanding.. in other words.. you go into it expecting a misunderstanding and communicating that this is a weird topic prone to misunderstanding but I'd still like to gain this piece of information if you don't mind please.... ya know?

to be honest though, any method of discenring a man's sexual orientation that has to do with asking that man could lead to violence if that man is typical.. so your own physical abilities (with defending yourself) should probably be a factor in your decision to approach someone you don't know regarding the issue. i wish people weren't so prone to violence.. but some are, as a gay dude, I'd imagine you're familiar with the fragility of the typical male sexuality.
 
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that is a tricky question indeed. it applies to anyone too as you can't ever assume someone's sexuality. most of my gay friends swear they have "gay-dar" but i don't believe it because gay girls often assume i'm gay. i wish i had an answer for you. if you want to rely on stereotypes you can try asking a few questions and make assumptions based on the answer. scenario a: you're in a bar watching a game and mention to friend-in-question something about a particular player. then you mention that the player is a goodlooking guy..."don't you think?" scenario b: you're anywhere with friend-in-question and you point out a lady and make a comment about something non-body related, ex. her hair, her earrings, etc. and see how he responds.
 
It seems like the obvious option, but I'd just ask. Something like:

Are you gay?

If they're not, just say "Oh, ok..." (though I suspect you have strong reason to believe they are).

If they are, well, just don't respond massively, something as nondescript as "Ok" would be fine. I have a gay friend, and when he first told me, it was just because I totally didn't make a big deal of it that he now feels comfortable talking to me about it, or making jokes about my sexuality etc...

I'm sure my stance is sooo gonna be misread and I'm going to be labelled a heartless homophobe. :bugeye:
 
Depending on how well you know them, you could always go the round-about route and ask about previous relationships. I know this could lead to false results if the person is gender neutral about their answers or if they have recently begun to explore their homosexual side. But if they're comfortable telling you, they will. It's better not to force someone. I, as a hetero, would never ask someone. It's knowledge that is of no use to me. Different story if I was a lesbian. I guess you just need to make sure the person is comfortable telling you about their sexual preferences. It seems like you're talking about new acquaintances. Hetero or homo, not everyone is so open.
 
It seems to me that there should be some sort of secret hand-shake, or something, that would make these matters much less stressful.
 
my big problem was how do u tell ur friends?

only guy i have been out with was introduced by a mutual friend and after being out with that manipulative scheaming basted i wonder if its worth the effort

oh well at least i get to chose:p
 
Cool beans. Another person that doesn't discriminate based on something as trivial as the partner's sex. :D
 
no i do it on hair colour:p

DAM red heads are cute:p

but seriously after him i doubt i will ever date a guy again, it was worse than a female school girl's bullying:(

he was so manipulative and the way he talked about me to our mutual friend, after i had spent the time trying to Comfort him:'(
 
Red hair is only cute on girls I think. I've never dated a guy, and I don't think I ever will. It just isn't as cool as dating a girl. Unfortunately when you date a girl you can't fool around with the guys. :/ But I'm single for the monent. :D
 
Rather than asking if HE is, why not just non-chalantly let it be known that YOU are, and check for a response.

For example:
A certain type of car drives by.
"My ex-boyfriend used to drive one of those. I hated that car!"

Or, say something humorous can help to diffuse a possibly negative situation before it turns out that way.
You can start by saying something like, "I am sorry, but I have some bad news for you. I swore that I would never again date a man that wears jean jackets, so you already have one strike against you."
This way he will know you are interested, and if he is straight and narrow-minded it might not be AS bad because you didn't imply he was gay or proposition him.

If he is a total homophobe and wants to beat you up for something like that, then there really is no way you could have asked him without iliciting that kind of response anyway.
 
i HATE that

its so wrong that hitting on the wrong person can get u killed

at last with females it only lands u in jail for sexual harasment:p

but seriously how hard is it when saying "ur cute" can get u beaten up

sometimes i HATE this world
 
oh and Jerrek i ment on a girl

my (male) friend is a redhead and no it doesnt look right

but on a girl:D
 
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