So I'm going to disagree with Dan Savage. Not that this is any big deal, but since homophobes, conservatives, and other assorted scoundrels like to pretend that liberals never disagree with one another, it seemed worth mentioning. After all, we need to go out of our way to make sure our conservative neighbors feel welcome and accepted, so no matter how ridiculous their zealotry compels them to be, we need to pretend from time to time that they have a valid point.
Otherwise, who really gives a f@ck if I disagree with Dan Savage?
But the point of disagreement seems somewhat important.
"Auntie Mame" writes:
The letter goes on to ask two questions. The first is whether it is even possible to tell the sexual preference of a child so young. Dan Savage responds:
I disagree. While we might colloquially admit that there is a 99% chance the kid is gay, I don't think we can objectively say the same. Now, I'm all for erring to caution, so I accept the colloquial assessment. But I must protest that, in this day in which so many people are looking for a reason, and looking for a gay to criticize and hate, we should not give the semi-literate ammunition. Normally, I would protest that such a concern represents the sad process of giving over to the bullies, but right now the bullies are pushing quite hard for their "equal" right to be bullies. So perhaps my disagreement with Dan Savage is only for their benefit. Everyone else ought to be able to figure out the point in the first place.
The second question is more delicate: "Is it wrong for me to indulge my nephew even though my brother (his parent) has told me that he doesn't want my nephew doing those things?"
Because this situation involves sexuality and a five year-old, there's something inherently creepy about keeping secrets. Now, knowing that some conservatives really are so reactionary, I'm actually very careful about establishing secrets with my daughter. I get where Dan is coming from on this, but Auntie Mame actually asked the question, which suggests she's actually dealing with the potential ramifications of the answers. Now, because she needs to be reminded of the obvious ("Your nephew needs an adult in his life who loves him unconditionally and a space where he can express himself without fear"), we might also consider reminding her of the obvious thing about secrets: there are some secrets I just can't keep for you.
Savage goes on to include a third point of advice:
I should at least note that I agree with him on this point. I mean, Auntie Mame will have to tell someone where the boy has disappeared to, but if she can't figure that one out on her own, the kid doesn't stand a chance.
I should say that I feel for Auntie Mame, as well as the boy. In my own extended family there is a budding gay boy. At the outset, everyone dealt with it because they thought it was "cute"; once they realized this was more than just a passing fancy, they started dealing with it for real. My conservative Lutheran aunt has apparently decided to leave this one between the boy and God. The parents are to varying degrees uneasy, but they also seem determined to adjust to the circumstance.
And I do sympathize with the boy's father: looking around, the boy prefers his female cousins, who are more than happy to provide him with dresses and pretty shoes. And, facing his in-laws, the father sees his wife's sisters and aunt openly amused and fascinated with this developmental process they've never witnessed. He has no support on this one, so instead of alienating his son, he's going to get used to it. And if it becomes a serious frustration for him in coming years, he has an entire family that will help him get used to the fact that his eldest son is gay.
Personally, I think the whole situation is hilarious. But that's only because I'm so lucky that this is the family I get to watch go through this. Best of luck to Auntie Mame.
____________________
Notes:
Otherwise, who really gives a f@ck if I disagree with Dan Savage?
But the point of disagreement seems somewhat important.
"Auntie Mame" writes:
I think my 5-year-old nephew is probably gay. Most of the reasons are superficial (he says that Zac Efron is cute), but I also have a hunch. If he is gay, it's cool by me. The problem is my brother also thinks his son might be gay and he is NOT cool with it. He's "nice" about it, but he has taken to prohibiting most of the things my nephew loves to do: putting on makeup, watching and dancing along to musicals with vampy women (like Chicago), playing dress-up. My nephew can tell that his dad thinks there is something shameful about his doing these things, but asks me in the most heartbreaking way if we can do those things when we're at my house and not tell his dad.
("Savage Love")
The letter goes on to ask two questions. The first is whether it is even possible to tell the sexual preference of a child so young. Dan Savage responds:
Answer 1: There's a 99 percent chance your nephew is gay and a 100 percent chance that your brother will one day regret his actions. He's emotionally abusing his son—and for what? Dress-up or no dress-up, if his son is gay then he's going to be gay. Your brother can't destroy his son's homosexuality, only his son's life.
(ibid)
I disagree. While we might colloquially admit that there is a 99% chance the kid is gay, I don't think we can objectively say the same. Now, I'm all for erring to caution, so I accept the colloquial assessment. But I must protest that, in this day in which so many people are looking for a reason, and looking for a gay to criticize and hate, we should not give the semi-literate ammunition. Normally, I would protest that such a concern represents the sad process of giving over to the bullies, but right now the bullies are pushing quite hard for their "equal" right to be bullies. So perhaps my disagreement with Dan Savage is only for their benefit. Everyone else ought to be able to figure out the point in the first place.
The second question is more delicate: "Is it wrong for me to indulge my nephew even though my brother (his parent) has told me that he doesn't want my nephew doing those things?"
Your nephew needs an adult in his life who loves him unconditionally and a space where he can express himself without fear. So tell him you love him, promise to keep his secrets, and tell him that his father loves him too and will come around one day. And yes, AM, lie to your brother. In the grand scheme of things your lies are a misdemeanor; the emotional violence he's inflicting on his son is a felony.
(ibid)
Because this situation involves sexuality and a five year-old, there's something inherently creepy about keeping secrets. Now, knowing that some conservatives really are so reactionary, I'm actually very careful about establishing secrets with my daughter. I get where Dan is coming from on this, but Auntie Mame actually asked the question, which suggests she's actually dealing with the potential ramifications of the answers. Now, because she needs to be reminded of the obvious ("Your nephew needs an adult in his life who loves him unconditionally and a space where he can express himself without fear"), we might also consider reminding her of the obvious thing about secrets: there are some secrets I just can't keep for you.
Savage goes on to include a third point of advice:
You didn't ask about an extra bedroom, but I wish you had. Someday—someday soon—your nephew is going to need a safe place to go when he starts running away from home. So put together a nice guest bedroom, someplace your nephew can hide when he's sick of his father and, with any luck, over Zac Efron.
(ibid)
I should at least note that I agree with him on this point. I mean, Auntie Mame will have to tell someone where the boy has disappeared to, but if she can't figure that one out on her own, the kid doesn't stand a chance.
• • •
I should say that I feel for Auntie Mame, as well as the boy. In my own extended family there is a budding gay boy. At the outset, everyone dealt with it because they thought it was "cute"; once they realized this was more than just a passing fancy, they started dealing with it for real. My conservative Lutheran aunt has apparently decided to leave this one between the boy and God. The parents are to varying degrees uneasy, but they also seem determined to adjust to the circumstance.
And I do sympathize with the boy's father: looking around, the boy prefers his female cousins, who are more than happy to provide him with dresses and pretty shoes. And, facing his in-laws, the father sees his wife's sisters and aunt openly amused and fascinated with this developmental process they've never witnessed. He has no support on this one, so instead of alienating his son, he's going to get used to it. And if it becomes a serious frustration for him in coming years, he has an entire family that will help him get used to the fact that his eldest son is gay.
Personally, I think the whole situation is hilarious. But that's only because I'm so lucky that this is the family I get to watch go through this. Best of luck to Auntie Mame.
____________________
Notes:
Savage, Dan. "Savage Love: The Girly Boy". TheStranger.com, October 25, 2007. See http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=424590
Last edited: