Bring yourself to forgive?

L

lucifers angel

same shit, differant day!!
Registered Senior Member
How can people, bring themselves to forgive, people like abusive perants, partners,

abusive perents are at times extreemly cruel and often very nasty with it, we see anti child abuse adverts on TV all the time, we even see, Anti relationship adverts on TV, in TV shows, and even in hospitals, but i have noticed that some women will actually return to the abusive partners, (and it is mostly women, men will mostly walk away) and they seem to get beat all the time, and still say things like "Oh but i love him, and he loves me" OR even "he'll change" "he needs my help", do some women enjoy the abuse, and if so why? what akes them go looking for a violent partner?

and victims of child abuse has the children get older, they forgive the Perants who abused them has a child. and seek out a new relationship with them, WHY?

why would you want to forgive some one who out you through hell and back for so long? why would you even want to take your children to see the abusive perants? i know some people can forgive but i find it really difficult to understand why.

Can anyone shed any light on it for me?
 
well in my case it was surver low self esteem, and no i didnt leave she left me
 
A matter of what's valuable

Lucifer's Angel said:

How can people, bring themselves to forgive, people like abusive perants, partners
Click to expand...

It seems to me that there are two primary factors:

(1) They are simply unwilling or unable to carry their burden any further, and ...

(2) ... we are culturally conditioned to "forgive" instead of just let go.​

I've tried, over the years, to escape this trap: Things are no longer mine to forgive. For me to forgive would mean I have the right to judge. And since people have always objected—both intimately and abstractly—to my judgments over the years, I've decided that the right to judge so finally is illusory. There is wisdom that is still observed: I would never let a certain person around my daughter, given what he's done to his own. But he's not mine to hate.
 
Lucifers Angel, I am hearing you on this one.
I just sat down to write an email to my mum who just came to visit for 3 days and has left leaving a cyclonic trail of emotional destruction in her wake.
Youch!
I'm having a major problem forgiving her actions just at the moment but somehow I will forgive. I'll put it down to her hard life and the neuroses she's carried for so long finally turning into full blown mental illness and as such absolving her from responsibility for her actions.
She means well. The fact that in the desire, the absolutely manic need to be loved as hard as she believes she loves, she loses all ability to accept love and becomes bitter, snide and destructive.
Vicious judgement, abject hypocrisy and fearful double standards become the norm and you are left wondering why you feel at once guilty and responsible and angry.
It doesn't need to be so hard, it shouldn't be yet it is.

I've got few answers LA but if it helps, a couple of things, you're not alone and you probably just wish for it to be easier and hang on to hope. Hope which will probably not bear fruit.

Should you cut the parent out and cut their grandchildren out?
Do you save your kids from the world of pain? ( your fucked up parent)
Do you save your parent from the world of pain? (feeling ostracised)
Who is more important to you?
Does your relationship with your parent necessarily manifest in the same way with your kids( probably not)?

Sorry I haven't got much positivity to offer on this isssue but some things in life just suck and this is one of those things.


I know I'm approaching my answer from my perspective not yours but there seem to be similarities.
 
Spud Emperor said:
Lucifers Angel, I am hearing you on this one.
I just sat down to write an email to my mum who just came to visit for 3 days and has left leaving a cyclonic trail of emotional destruction in her wake.
Youch!
I'm having a major problem forgiving her actions just at the moment but somehow I will forgive. I'll put it down to her hard life and the neuroses she's carried for so long finally turning into full blown mental illness and as such absolving her from responsibility for her actions.
She means well. The fact that in the desire, the absolutely manic need to be loved as hard as she believes she loves, she loses all ability to accept love and becomes bitter, snide and destructive.
Vicious judgement, abject hypocrisy and fearful double standards become the norm and you are left wondering why you feel at once guilty and responsible and angry.
It doesn't need to be so hard, it shouldn't be yet it is.

I've got few answers LA but if it helps, a couple of things, you're not alone and you probably just wish for it to be easier and hang on to hope. Hope which will probably not bear fruit.

Should you cut the parent out and cut their grandchildren out?
Do you save your kids from the world of pain? ( your fucked up parent)
Do you save your parent from the world of pain? (feeling ostracised)
Who is more important to you?
Does your relationship with your parent necessarily manifest in the same way with your kids( probably not)?

Sorry I haven't got much positivity to offer on this isssue but some things in life just suck and this is one of those things.


I know I'm approaching my answer from my perspective not yours but there seem to be similarities.
Click to expand...

i was born to a very abusive mum, my dad wasnt always around to see certain things, but i havent spoken to my mum now for, years, at least, 6yrs. and i never want to see her, talk to her, and yes i still hold hatred for her, and i have always said, that i wll not be going to her funeral, (if i will feal differant when she does die i dont know) and i cannot forgive her, does that make me a weak person?
 
I don't think it makes you a weak person. Forgiveness should only be granted if someone is truly repentant and change their future behaviour. If then.
 
Because the only person that is hurt the most is yourself when you cannot forgive others for their own foibles for then you carry the burden of hate and despair with you always and that only eats away at your inner self driving you crazy.
 
lucifers angel said:
i was born to a very abusive mum, my dad wasnt always around to see certain things, but i havent spoken to my mum now for, years, at least, 6yrs. and i never want to see her, talk to her, and yes i still hold hatred for her, and i have always said, that i wll not be going to her funeral, (if i will feal differant when she does die i dont know) and i cannot forgive her, does that make me a weak person?
Click to expand...

No. It makes you human.

why would you want to forgive some one who out you through hell and back for so long? why would you even want to take your children to see the abusive perants? i know some people can forgive but i find it really difficult to understand why.

Can anyone shed any light on it for me?
Click to expand...
The desire to see if the other person has changed. The desire and mostly, the need for that contact, especially when it is the parent(s) who have been abusive. While the parent may have been abusive, that parent is still your parent, the reason you are the way you are today and the reason you are even alive. I don't know, I guess when it comes to one's parent's, most will try to make something out of the destructive relationship.
 
Cos was right. Forgiveness is vital to your own peace of mind. We have to let go of ALL the cr@p in our minds/thoughts. Otherwise it will be like weeds and take over the good thoughts.:(

Forgiveness is HUGE. It's mandatory for a happier life.

Saying "I forgive you" to someone, whether just in your mind or actually in person--is freeing.

It's best to forgive fast and frequently. Most people don't know you're mad at them. And most of the ones who do may not even care. So why mess up your peace/happiness/joy?

Not forgiving can ruin your health and life. :(

Joyce Meyer wrote a book called "The Power of Forgiveness". It's wonderful.
 
When you're attached to someone by having feelings for them and caring about their wellbeing(sometimes above your own), then a lot of people forgive things they know in their heads they shouldn't, that's why no matter how many times you tell someone to leave an abusive relationship they don't often do it, they know you're right, but they try to justify that they almost need this person, that they aren't always this way etc. It's a normal part of being human.
The more it happens to someone however the more emotionally repressive they will become, and the next time it'll be easier to leave. It's also about learning through experience when the person is just an abusive jerk and when something else is affecting the way they behave for a short time and they can get over it. They may also feel guilty themselves for past behaviour or because the person makes them feel guilty as though it's their fault.
 
They may also feel guilty themselves for past behaviour or because the person makes them feel guilty as though it's their fault.
Click to expand...



But many times it is their own fault but they cannot see past their own lies they tell themselves. They actually become psychopathic liars and can't live with the truth so go on through life always lying to themselves in order to keep themselves believing they have done nothing wrong. :(
 
Is it forgiveness or letting go? I just had to let stuff go and move on. I didn't talk to my Dad for the last 4 yrs of his life, even as he was painfully dying. He wrote, I never answered. He sent money, I sent it back. He died, but for me had had already been dead.
I cut my losses and if people consider it a cold thing to do, so be it. I don't answer to them.

Luci, you need to let go of the anger. I don't think you need to forgive a damn thing to do so. She's not worth a second spent thinking about her or typing about her. Years after the damage was done, she's still hurting you and controlling you. Don't give her that power. And don't let anyone guilt you about her grandkids. She didn't deserve you and she doesn't deserve them.
 
Orleander said:
Is it forgiveness or letting go? I just had to let stuff go and move on. I didn't talk to my Dad for the last 4 yrs of his life, even as he was painfully dying. He wrote, I never answered. He sent money, I sent it back. He died, but for me had had already been dead.
I cut my losses and if people consider it a cold thing to do, so be it. I don't answer to them.

Luci, you need to let go of the anger. I don't think you need to forgive a damn thing to do so. She's not worth a second spent thinking about her or typing about her. Years after the damage was done, she's still hurting you and controlling you. Don't give her that power. And don't let anyone guilt you about her grandkids. She didn't deserve you and she doesn't deserve them.
Click to expand...

i feal......erm........pity for her i think more than anything, but i cannot forgive and i sure has hell freezes over will not forget, what i went through was at times sheer hell, she has no contact with my children and i pity her for that, because i will see my kids grow up to be old teenagers and into adult hood and she wont, and she doesnt know what she i missing.
 
cosmictraveler said:
But many times it is their own fault but they cannot see past their own lies they tell themselves. They actually become psychopathic liars and can't live with the truth so go on through life always lying to themselves in order to keep themselves believing they have done nothing wrong. :(
Click to expand...

Perhaps I could have worded my statement better, did you realise I meant the victims feel it's their own fault for the abuse they receive? Sometimes - although it isn't PC to say it - they are to blame, they start the abuse and then cry foul when they're on the receiving end. Although idealistically nobody should be abused and it isn't right to react to it some people find it hard not to. The guilt complex created on both sides can cause people to feel they simply have to forgive the other as they've both been just as bad, or one person can be the sole abuser and make the other feel as though they're causing it even if they aren't.
Complex issues indeed.
 
cosmictraveler said:
Because the only person that is hurt the most is yourself when you cannot forgive others for their own foibles for then you carry the burden of hate and despair with you always and that only eats away at your inner self driving you crazy.
Click to expand...
That is not my experience.
At at least one other poster pointed out, it is important how the other person views their behavior. If someone rapes me, for example, and never has any remorse for this, I won't forgive them. Period. I will certainly try to get to a place where I have worked through all my feelings. I don't need to gnash my teeth about the asshole. But there is no need to forgive him.

Also if there is someone you have an ongoing relationship with and they shit on you in some way, it is silly to forgive them each day while they continue to do it.
 
if there is someone you have an ongoing relationship with and they shit on you in some way
Click to expand...

Then you shouldn't be in that relationship should you. If your letting someone shit on you then your the fool to allow it to continue. Move on.
 
lucifers angel said:
i was born to a very abusive mum, my dad wasnt always around to see certain things, but i havent spoken to my mum now for, years, at least, 6yrs. and i never want to see her, talk to her, and yes i still hold hatred for her, and i have always said, that i wll not be going to her funeral, (if i will feal differant when she does die i dont know) and i cannot forgive her, does that make me a weak person?
Click to expand...

No.

Has she ever really realized what she did to you?
Has she apolagized for what she did in a way that let's you know she REALLY understands both how it affected you and what was wrong with her attitude and actions?

Those would be the MINIMUM requirements for you to forgive her, it seems to me.

But even if she did those things it does not mean you should forgive her.
 
cosmictraveler said:
Then you shouldn't be in that relationship should you. If your letting someone shit on you then your the fool to allow it to continue. Move on.
Click to expand...

1) I notice you said nothing about the other point I made.
2) It could be a boss or a parent where some contact or contact for a while after the pattern is noticed is the best choice. For example, I might go to family gatherings even though my father tends to disrespect me, for example, about my work. I tell him off, or ignore him, but there it is. Or perhaps he is a decent enough Dad in most ways, but he will not budge on the way he talks about my career choice. I don't decide to forgive his disrespectful attitude and it does cause some distance between us, but I don't just cut him out completely.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top