Pannozzo - "My Story"
Is it okay if I take this one seriously in my own right? Normally I would be on the floor laughing, but this topic arises as a nexus of events reveals itself and I haven't even begun to fathom what it is I'm supposed to learn.
Let me preface this by saying that this is what I get when I disconnect myself from the part of the world I'm most comfortable with. Also, let me please note that the issue of HIV has never really struck close to me. Yes, I've known people with HIV, and at least one of them surprised me recently when I heard a random conversation about him and stuck my nose in to say, rather bluntly, "He's not dead?" Of course, that was followed by the customary, embarrassed, "But ... but ... I thought ...." And one of the best teachers I had allegedly died of AIDS, but this episode has been curiously hidden from me. Wait a minute ... I have the net ... hmm ... he's famous enough to be noted as "late" among florists, but ....
It was one of those things where you were told, months after the fact, that someone you knew was dead. And you were told it was of cancer. And then you heard that he was alive. And then you heard he was dying of AIDS. And we all knew he was gay, and at that time the stereotype still prevailed that gay and dying must equal AIDS.
So please understand that this random moment is, for reasons I hope to make somewhat tangible, the damned closest this disease has struck. (Before that? Honestly? It was a cartoon character; that's hard to explain, I know, but he got obits and front-page coverage in the Washington Post and other majors when he died. He changed the face of AIDS for thousands, if not millions. For many of us, it was the first face we could put to the disease.)
But I hadn't been paying attention; the news is old now. But it is in the wake of finally getting around to buying Styx's 2003 album
Cyclorama that I had cause to wonder why Glen Burtnik was playing bass.
Styx was my first favorite rock and roll band. Hooked by Robotos, I quickly plunged past that, and went wild with it for years. (It would be, in essence, "grunge" that started chasing certain bands out of my heavy rotation.) For those that chuckle at the notion of Styx, I laugh with you over "Lorelei," smile with Tommy when he says, "I just couldn't write songs about robots," and am willing to bet that there's a number of songs you don't know or don't know are Styx. It is, for instance, a
spiritual moment when reality caught up to me and realized that not only did Brian Wilson drop by the studio, but he dropped by specifically to lay backup vocals for a 40-second reprise (26 years after the fact) of Styx's "best song ever," which was also an announcement that, in case anyone doubted it, Styx was officially Tommy's band. (We always knew.)
To avoid turning this into a record review, all I can say is these are the songs that I hum; these are the songs that I
know. These songs were among the soundtracks to my dreams at night.
In a live version of "Too Much Time on My Hands," Tommy casually refers to his drummer as a cue--"John Panozzo." We were all saddened by John's death when we learned of it. Judging by the gasp, several thousand of us learned of John's passing when his brother, Chuck Panozzo, nearly reduced himself to tears toward the end of the show several years ago by noting that this was only the second drummer he had ever played beside in his professional career. The house, accordingly, wept.
Chuck ... he's the bass player in Styx. Or at least he was. He's credited on
Cyclorama, and even included in the band photo. But he's in semi-retirement or full retirement now. And here I turn to his website:
Being so involved in music had become my way of living with the secret I kept from most. My sexual life was never a topic of discussion amongst the band. We had too many other things to focus on, besides our personal sexual lives. I had told my brother and sister when I was 20 that I was gay. My sister thought it was just a "phase", John just thought, "Well that's just Chuck." Again, my sexual orientation was never a big focus of discussion even with family.
Just for time frame, this is during the 1970s that Chuck Panazzo told his brother and sister he was gay. All told, the reaction could obviously have been worse, but still:
In 1991, a doctor diagnosed me as HIV positive. I in turn asked the doctor, 'how long do I have to live?' The doctor said, "I don't know".* I then asked, 'what can I do?' The doctor's reply, "I don't know". So I walked away not knowing. The attitude seemed to be, I don't know when you're going to die, but it doesn't matter. I then did something that turned out to be somewhat prophetic, I walked into a clinic where gay guys are treated for sexually transmitted diseases. I wrote a check and told them I knew they were doing research on an STD that there is no cure for right now, and that I wanted to donate money to the effort, thinking some day it might come in handy for me. Little did I know how true that would be later on in my life.
In 1998, I became really sick. It was then I came to the realization, that I couldn't live like this anymore. I would live alone, by myself, and never connect with anyone. So I set goals, to get well, to perform again, and to out myself as a gay man with HIV. The hardest goal to reach was going to be getting well. I had severe anemia, which the doctors didn't know how to treat very well at first. I began a treatment of 23 different pills a day and various shots. It was a very aggressive regimen. This disease is not for sissies. I feel I have a moral obligation to help further the cause of research by my participation in study groups. I will continue to do so . . . .
. . . . I had told the guys in the band I would not be able to tour, that my goal at this point was to get well, and I would keep them informed as to how I was doing . . . . I was very weak at the time and it was very difficult to take the medicine through it all, but I did . . . .
. . . . I just completed a 40-city tour this past year (2001), however I don't think I could do that again. It is too difficult to try to maintain taking medicine, get enough rest, and eat the right foods while out on the road. I do not totally want to retire from performing. I plan to appear with the band occasionally. Now my second goal had been met, next was to out myself.
I wanted to find a way to out myself in a positive and meaningful way. I began communicating to various people I knew about how to do this, and while I was doing this, my best friend of 22 years, Richard, passed away. I had told him to get an HIV test, he finally went in February, then he died in July. Here I was getting better, and he died senselessly. When my friend died, there was no funeral, he was cremated. I had to be the one to call his employer and break the news of his passing. I didn't want my life to end up like this. If I was going to die, I was going to be the one to write my own obituary ... I wanted to say it while I was alive. I didn't want people to read in the paper "Chuck Panozzo dies from complications of AIDS". It was through all of this that I became involved with the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and decided that was the avenue I wanted to use to out myself.
At the HRC dinner, in front of 1000 guest, I announced that I was gay and HIV positive.* I had the support of family and friends that were present. My aunt and uncle, my sister, her husband, a cousin, James Young, and other friends were there for me . . . . (Chuck Panozzo)
I'm not going to sit here and ask if a more tolerant world would have helped Chuck, and subsequently Richard, avoid HIV. It's not something we can know.
But I will say this: Nobody should have to live in the closet for fifty years. Nobody should have to bury their mother and their best friend of 22 years from the shadows of the closet.
I can't be angry for his troubles. Chuck doesn't seem to have time to be angry, and hell, it's
his life. If I love him as much as it feels like, then I ought to take the cue from him.
But if you can forgive me for taking this topic gravely seriously, it's just one of those moments. I wasn't paying attention. I had no idea.
When I'm talking to a practicing or professional bass player about music, and that musician understands what I'm
telling (as opposed to
asking) him, it is in extremely large part due to Chuck Pannozzo. It wasn't spectacular, but he was part of a rhythm section that knew what it was about, and whose band struck my first firm, individual musical passion and pop-culture identity. It's not a matter of mere celebrity, or the frustration of finding something beautiful like Stevie Ray only to lose it inside a year. This strikes, literally, as close to home and heart as it can. This is a man whose work has provided me deep comfort and affecting knowledge.
Would Chuck and Richard have married if they could? Without sarcasm, I apologize that I simply don't feel like writing him and asking. Maybe it'll pop up on a FAQ somewhere, but as much as I'd like to know, it's just not my business.
But to someone's twelve reasons why homosexuals should not be married, I offer one powerful reason why they should:
I am adamant about "Gay Rights" and I want to be sure laws are made and protected for all. There will be no second-class citizens in this society. (Chuck Pannozzo)
So to those who would insist on a second-class citizenry to hold in contempt, I must insist that you hide your true character from the world for half a century, and then tell me how you feel about the issue.
In 1983 or thereabout, Pannozzo's bandmate James Young wrote a cryptic song that left many of us wondering about
his fancy parachute pants and blue eyeshadow:
In the dark so all alone
Slowly reach for the telephone
A message waits just for you
A secret place, another rendezvous
It's not always honesty
That is the best policy
But little lies can give you away
Though you'll deny it if they say maybe you're just
Leading a double life
Friends in the daytime, strangers at night
Leading a double life
Can it be wrong when you know that it's right? (Styx, "
Double Life")
Lastly, I apologize for the massive post. But when I say a nexus of events arises, I mean that I write this as I'm mulling these various issues. I
just found out.
And, apparently, this is how I feel about it. Imagine that.
Note on Edit: I had, initially, included the link at the end of the first quote from Chuck Pannozzo's site, but in revising that quote, I ended up leaving out the link altogether. My apologies for the oversight. The page in question can be found at http://chuckpanozzo.com/mystory.htm
