The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

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2 little sperms are swimming along and one says to the other

"aaw, I'm tired! We've been swimming for ages, surely we're almost there?"

The other replies

"NO! Come on! Miles to go yet, look!....we're just passing the tongsoles"
 
AS one gay sperm said to another how do we find an egg in all this shit.

Gay men obviously wear ribbed condoms to give them traction in the mud.
 
There was three crows sitting on a power line and a little boy under them flipping the bird at a man with a shotgun.

The man shot one of the crows so how many were left?

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-

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None, the gunshot scarred the remainder away.


So how is this an offensive joke?


That is what the little boy was in it for. Dah!!!
 
That's not even a joke though.
Let alone an anti joke.
 
Oh I beg to differ it was most definitely a ludicrous or grotesque act done for fun and amusement. But obviously the type of humor required here is and must be septic.

What have illegal immigrants got in common with sperm

Millions of the little fuckers come flooding in but just one bastard works.



If women are so great at multitasking then why is it so hard for them to have sex and a headache at the same time.

Just a thought to ponder.

Oh yeah, I heard today that you were attacked by a gay rapist and he said you had to give him a blow job or die...nice to see you are okay.


Not too anti but my mind has trouble going there...
 
Whats blue and fucks old people?
--hypothermia

Steven Hawkins was admitted to hospital last night, after going on a date. He now has a fractured skull, broken arm, and severe cuts and bruises.
--Apparently his date stood him up !!

Apparently, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
--But with most doctors being muslim, I find that bacon works better !
 
What's the difference between a duck?
--One of it's legs are both the same!
 
This one is not offensive, but may induce anger. You have been warned.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, ‘We can't tell you. You're not a monk’.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, ‘We can't tell you. You're not a monk’.

The man says, ‘All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk’?


The monks reply, ‘You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk’.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, ‘Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound’.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

silver,
topaz,
and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, ‘This is the key to the last door’.


The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

















. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
 
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This one is not offensive, but may induce anger. You have been warned.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, ‘We can't tell you. You're not a monk’.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, ‘We can't tell you. You're not a monk’.

The man says, ‘All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk’?


The monks reply, ‘You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk’.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, ‘Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound’.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

silver,
topaz,
and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, ‘This is the key to the last door’.


The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

















. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


funny fucker!!

it made me laugh though, i couldnt beliove i was daft enough to sit through that
 
How do you keep blacks from bouncing on the bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling

How do you get them down?
Invite some mexicans over
 
What should you do when Dr Lou Natic is lying on the floor dying from anaphylactic shock?

Laugh, take pictures on your mobile, and refuse to let anyone give him adrenalin.
 
Apple

What's the Difference between a baby and an apple?

You don't come on an apple before you take a bite of it.
 
Fannie Green‏​


A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
 
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