Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp He
rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie,
however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the
stillness
two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly
at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
I recently visited my new doctor. After two visits and an exhaustive lab test, she said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
She asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."
Then she asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?" "No, I don't," I said.
She said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around?"
No," I said. "I have never done any of those things."
She looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a feck if you live to be 80?"
and some blonde jokes
The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then,
in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin,
marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"
The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that tartan one on the shelf?"
He:"Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the tartan one, I've never had a tartan one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
